Why do women need control?

A few weeks ago, I was on a radio show and one of the hosts made a comment that she always pays for dinner, even on the first date.  I did not agree with her, however, I kept my true opinion to myself because it wasn't my moment.

There is an underlying reason for wanting that control.  Whether a guy took advantage of her in the past or her mother brought up to think that she can only fend for herself might be an explanation.  Part of falling for someone is being vulnerable, to let go, and to be completely and utterly intimate with someone else.  When you're holding onto the control, you never get to really feel the power of what love can do.  I cannot guarantee you won't get hurt but

"Is it better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all?"

Honestly, that is your decision to make.  Personally, I want to love.  Just like Carrie from Sex and the City says,

"I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love."

I am not going to put down women in power but there is something beautiful about femininity. Why do we have to erase it from our very core? All because women need to be powerful in the courtroom does not mean that behind closed doors they cannot be someone else.  This past weekend, I went to a conference and a body language expert said something.

"A woman's biggest strength is her warmth" - Susan Constantine MPsy

Yes, there is a double standard as women as leaders in the business world, but our make up is such that we are able to multitask better than men.  That we do have a power that other men do not have, warmth.  However, there is something to be said about melting to a man’s arms in a passionate embrace in the bedroom. Personally, I feel there’s nothing like it. There is no better high than hot, passionate, sweet, raw sex. If you have never experienced it before, it is because you have never let go of control and let emotions take over. You are severely missing out.

Regardless of everyone’s opinion, after all of the books I’ve read about relationships and advice, there is one prevailing theme. Men are the providers and protectors and women are the nurturers. Why fight Mother Nature? Out of the unhappy relationships I see, there is a balance that is not met. Whether you read the The 5 Love Languages or Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, understanding your role in your relationship and how your significant other loves you is what makes it all work.

If a man offers to pay, open a door, or compliment you, take it. Don’t fight it and want to control the situation. The man is simply doing what he was brought up to do. He is not trying to take your power or make you less of a woman(unless he's a total deuche). What makes you a woman is something else. It’s the fact that you can take on 20 tasks at a time and still have time to get your nails done, or the fact we have a high threshold of pain and the ability to bear children. That’s what makes us beautiful, a woman. We are smart, beautiful, and capable. Yes, we might not all NEED a man but he wants to feel needed. Let him have it. Why take it away?

You're going to rue the day... You started my dream

I’ll be completely transparent, I was let go from my 9-5 job on Monday. Most people would think I would be distraught with thoughts going through my head like, “Oh, no! What am I going to do?” or “I can’t believe this horrible b**ch let me go. She’s going to rue the day she made that decision!” But no, that’s not how I feel at all. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.

You see, prayer is a very powerful thing, as much as some people might choose to believe or not to believe. I wrote a blog post a few weeks ago and I got a lot of praise from it after I prayed to God about my path the night before. I was a bad Christian and I hadn’t prayed in a while until Monday morning when I simply said, “Let me know where my path to living a dream will take me”. And boom! I was let go. It was apparent that the relationship was not working out the way anyone had anticipated, however, I used the job as an excuse to not fully pursue my passion for writing as much as I should have.

I had been dreaming of just writing since I was a little girl. I wanted to be a journalist, or so I thought, until I realized that would mean I would write someone else’s stories in a specific format for the rest of my life. I didn’t want to do that. I wanted to write my own stories. I wanted to be an investigative journalist but I wasn’t willing to work from the bottom of the barrel to hopefully make it to the top so I just did what society told me to do and got a job. I really deviated from my dream to write.

It wasn’t until 2011, I had my heart broken, and I went back to my roots. I was told I had talent and I remembered my purpose once again. I guess you have to hit some sort of rock bottom to remember where you came from. It wasn’t a real rock bottom, that came a few years later but it got me back to doing something I really enjoyed. Then the story just unfolded from that point. I started doing freelance work to expand my portfolio and here I am today, jobless and pursuing my real passion.

I have to say, this could not happen without the support of the Comedian who has always instilled in our relationship that to create is what makes us such a unique couple and I am reminded by him regularly to live our passion and our dream. I guess I am still living in a little bit of fear of the unknown. It’s interesting I read an article today in Addicted2Success.com basically solidifying what I have been avoiding for so long, the fear of the unknown. I’m not going to say I love or hated my job, it was just not me. Going in from 9-5, living someone else’s dream and passion, and going home a paycheck in which someone else chose the amount I was paid. Just the thought of all of that irks me a little bit. I’m not knocking it for anyone else, I’m just saying, it is not for me.

All in all, I’m excited for this journey I am just embarking on and every bone in my body is happy. Just utterly happy. I know it’s all in God’s hands now but I have faith that everything will turn out just the way it’s supposed to.

Lovenote images - Artistic images

Is the Perfect Man Out There?

Recently, the Comedian went on a radio show (shout out to Central Florida Live).  Of course, I was intently listening in on the broadcast as any proud girlfriend should.  Towards the end of the program, they brought up something very interesting.  Are women's standards way too high?  Now, I started to think, are women's standards too high, like for real? Naturally, I called in because this was my forte, this was my topic... dating.  It was funny because the conversation between the Comedian and I was natural.  He asked me, "Babe, what is that thing you always say?"

I replied, "He may not be perfect but he's perfect for me."

That's really the point.  Everyone has a different favorite flavor of ice cream.  We all get caught up in what might be "good on paper".  A guy might have all of the qualities you were looking for but if your personalities don't click, then what's the point.  Being picky is okay as long as you are willing to give up a thing or two if you really want to find love.

I think I talk about this woman all of the time, Patti Stanger.  In her book, Become Your Own Matchmaker, she talks about your 5 non-negotiables.  Like 5 things you cannot live without in a significant other.  This might take a little soul searching to figure out which 5 are it.  I would suggest writing out a list of things you want in your significant other then cut the list down until you have your 5 left.  I know this is hard... just take a pen and paper, a deep breath, and do it.

I'll give you my 5 non-negotiables and let me know how the Comedian fits.  (trust me... it's uncanny)

1. MUST BE ABLE TO TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF FINANCIALLY
2. MUST NOT BE SHY
3. MUST BE FAMILY ORIENTED
4. MUST BE WELL GROOMED
5. MUST WANT TO TRY NEW THINGS

I know... weird right?  It's pretty spot on if you ask me.  Someone once told me while I was searching for a job that you have to know what job you're looking for in order to get the one that fits.  Why should it not be the same to find the "Perfect Man"?

I am a huge advocate for narrowing down your interests so that you're not just dating to date.  Trust me, I've been there, done that.  And also, prayer does go a long way.  As they say, it does happen when you least expect it.  As many times as I didn't want to believe it, that cliche is true.

You are allowed to be picky but be picky in a way that it fits and let some things go. Not every man is going to remember to put the toilet seat down or bring you flowers every day of the week but find what fits what you need.  I needed to laugh for the rest of my life and that's exactly what I got.

Opposites DO attract!

So I was talking to the Comedian last night and, for whatever reason, it finally dawned on me that we had a lot less in common that I thought.  It's not a bad thing at all but I realized that over the last 2 1/2 years, I didn't see what those differences were. It's apparent that I'm a social butterfly.  I love people.  I will talk to a random person if they are sitting next to me because I just don't like the awkwardness of not knowing who's around PLUS you might learn something interesting.  Like this weekend, I met someone who brewed for Cigar City, a brewery in Tampa with some great beers.  Anyhow, the Comedian would prefer to sit at home and watch movies instead of go out on the town.  He does accommodate my craziness but it's all about compromise.  This was a HUGE adjustment for me in the beginning.  Growing up, my mom used to tell me I had ants in my pants.  I have no idea why I want to be out in the world discovering but its what I like to do.  A good friend of mine said it could possibly be FOMO (fear of missing out).  Who knows...

I have to honestly say though, I think the Comedian balances me out a little bit.  I am starting (yes, just starting) to learn to enjoy being at home and relaxing.  I have grown a huge appreciation for nights on the couch watching TV or movies.  Just us two.  No one else.  It's comforting.

Regardless of the fact, we do share things in common like a strange sense of humor, sarcasm, and similar goals in life like when to have kids and what kinds of careers we would like to have in the future.  The Comedian says something all of the time that makes me think.

"We spend our 30s fixing all of the mistakes we made in our 20s."

Crazy to think my 20s were as tumultuous as they were, however, I am grateful that maturity finally caught up to me and I'm able to see our relationship for what it really is.  Just two people who want to live a happy life together.  So simple... but true.

Here are some pictures from this past weekend, we had a blast!  The 80s were the best!

Why I think Jane the Virgin is amazing!

I have this new obsession.  That show on the CW called Jane the Virgin.  Maybe I felt a little nostalgic because it reminded me of all of the novelas (Spanish soap operas) I used to watch growing up, but it has reeled me in like the hungriest tuna swimming upstream.  With my new obsession, I started googling everything I could about the actors and who they were.  I happened to stumble upon this interview on YouTube that really touched me at the very core.  Gina Rodriguez, who plays Jane, starts talking about how this role came up unexpectedly.  Someone with her look and nationality would not normally go for a lead part in almost anything.  Here was her chance.  She spoke about how her father told her that she was beautiful regardless of what others think. What she said was powerful.  It means that anyone can really live their dream.  Too many times were caught up in the notion that we're not pretty enough or experienced enough or that we don't fit the mold.  But we are all beautiful.  Maybe I connect because I'm also Puerto Rican who grew up around a lot of anglos due to my dad being in the military.  I always had wild and crazy hair and I never fit into one particular crowd.  Gina from Jane the Virgin mentions that once you get past what's in your head, you are capable of so many things.  It's simply that amazing and simple.  The thing holding us all back from what we really want to accomplish is our own minds.  Once we all get past the doubt, the negative words from other people, worrying what others think, the perception of what society believes to be beautiful, and constant thoughts of remedial things, we can succeed.  Gina says, once she got past it, everything was so clear.

I do have to give major props to Gina Rodriguez from Jane the Virgin for getting a Golden Globe for best actress this past year.  I mean, this girl from Chicago who just wanted to be an actress landed a lead role in topsy, turvy show that makes my heart jump each time.  This is just as amazing as the diversity of the cast from Orange is the New Black.

When I delve deeper and deeper into the wonderful cast of Jane the Virgin, I can't help but want to watch more.  I'm just not looking forward to the season finale.  That would mean I would have to wait months to see another episode!

The Old Role Switcheroo

I've noticed from the relationship I have with parents, it seems we took on the parental role way too soon in our lives.  I read recently in the Chicago Tribune, that it's becoming more and more normal for children to take on the parental roles too soon in their lives.  This to me seems a bit unfair.  I remember having a very secluded childhood, especially in my teens.  I had my escape by going to band camp, however, when I got home, I had to take care of my younger sister.  It was like my mom was not aware of her misbehaving or let her do what she wanted and my dad didn't play a role in our lives after I was 14.  He actually just reappeared maybe 3 years ago.  I was 16 years old, keeping out eye out on my sister, making sure the neighbor didn't leave a hickey on her neck large enough for my mom to see. This, in turn, caused me to feel like I have always been responsible for my sister and left me longing for a relationship with my mom.  When I left for college, I was set on the idea that I would finally do something for myself.  But I left with guilt because things just seemed to fall apart for my sister after I went away for college.  She ended up dropping out of high school and moving in with her boyfriend at the time.  I think she was only 16.  I had always wondered what would had happened if I never left.

After many years of therapy and sessions with the Comedian, my very own therapist, I know I'm not responsible for my younger sister.  I was too young to feel that responsible for her.  This feeling of responsibility affected my relationships with others because I felt like I had to save everyone.  Hence why I probably dated a lot of guys who needed saving.  Sigh... if I could count the ways.  I remember picking up an ex boyfriend at a bus stop just to hang out because he couldn't make it all the way.  It wasn't until I met the Comedian that finally I had someone to take care of me and vice versa.

The article in the Chicago Tribune suggests just as I described above, growing up too fast leaves scars on children's lives as they get older.  I laugh a little because I see the descriptions of some of these kids:

"A straight-A student comes home and starts supper, knowing she'll spend the evening listening to her dad talk about his troubled personal life."

"A young beauty-pageant contestant beams at her mom, who is proud to call her daughter her best friend."

I know people who have had these kinds of lives.  It's just interesting how our parents drag us back into our roles of the one that grew up too fast.  I still have the tendency to want to do everything for my family members.  I know it might be selfish but for my own well being and sanity, it is good to step back every now and then to let them figure it out.

Being in a Healthy Relationship

Recently, I read an article from The Times and shared it with the Comedian called 14 Signs You're in a Healthy Relationship.  I love sharing articles like this with him because we can talk about it and how we can improve our relationship.  The best thing about finding someone with the same goals is that they understand what it is to continue growing TOGETHER.  I can happily say that we were able to check off the majority of the 14 signs.  The Comedian has always said that we need to have a solid foundation before bringing kids in the world.

There a few points that really stuck out in my mind.

First, Have Your Own Space

It is so important to still keep who you are intact.  It kind of ties into another point to love yourself.  Before you got into this relationship, you were you're own person.  You had you're own friends, family, hobbies, and so on.  You might have to give up some of your SSB (Secret Single Behaviors) like eating crackers while standing but that's okay.  You can do those habits when you're loved one is away.  They might be curious as to why the cracker box is empty but hey, old habits die hard.  You should not lose who you were before you were in a relationship.  Yes, you will grow and change as you are with your significant other, however, you should still have you intact.  Never forget to make plans with your girlfriends for a night out, call a old friend from time to time, and let your partner know who they are.

I think the most difficult part of having my own space is battling gender roles and knowing I have really good guy friends.  Yes, I sincerely believe you can have friends who are guys that don't want to sleep with you.  These friendships come few and far between.  They are not common at all but they exist.  If a friend crosses that boundary of friendship with sex and you're in a relationship, its best to cut them off because a true friend would want you to be happy and they wouldn't come between your relationship.  I know, I know, it's easier said than done.  This is where you figure out what is more important, the relationship with your friend or your significant other.

You Like Yourself and Your Partner

"You must love yourself before you can love anyone else"

It is so important to have a good handle on who you are as a person before getting into a relationship.  I had bouts of depression all through my 20's and I don't think I really figured out what it was to be happy with myself until I watched The Secret.  I realized that I am the only one responsible for my happiness.  When I discovered what that felt like, everything changed.  Magically enough, it led me to The Comedian which goes to show you that when the Universe is ready, it will give you what you pray for.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect.  I still battle with insecurities, however, I try not to let it overpower my happiness.  When you are happy with yourself, then it will resonate.  People will be drawn to your happiness simply because they like to be around happy people.  This also applies to your relationship.  You should like or even love your partner as well.  They will get on your nerves and you will get frustrated with each other (it's inevitable) but at the end of the day, they have to be the person you want to lay next to you at night.

Talk to your Partner not Other People

I will honestly say, I struggle with this the most.  With my girlfriends, it seems so easy to just slip into talking about your relationship and what's wrong with it.  They complain about their husbands and arguments and what they do and don't do.  Sometimes I feel compelled to share my frustrations but it's not right.  First, you are not one to judge only God can.  You should not judge your partner.  Yes, you might not agree with how they do things but that is who they are, that is who you fell in love with.  Second, its difficult to be in a group and not want to be a part of the conversation.  I really make an effort to keep my opinions to myself and let my girlfriends just go on and on about whatever ails them.  I have to remember, in my mind, The Comedian is really the best person I could have ever dreamed of and he treats me amazingly well.  After all the frogs I have kissed, I have finally found my prince.  I don't want to go back to kissing frogs any time soon!

Finally, Say I Love You and Thank you

It is so important to thank your significant other for whatever they do.  Especially if their love language is words of affirmation.  I mean, he could take out the garbage for the 50th time but I still say "Thank you".  Something as simple as acknowledging the small things can make a difference by leaps and bounds.  Plus, if you have children, it is important that they see how you and your partner respect each other.   If you make it a habit now, then in the future, you will see all of the small things come to light.  

All in all, relationships are built on just loving each other for the small things.  Over time, the bigger reasons why you began might disappear but the small things you do day to day will always be there.  You have to remember that this list from Time Magazine is just a framework to having a healthy relationship.  I can say, mine is not perfect and we work at it every day but I know it has a really healthy foundation.  

My Year in Review

Note to self, I definitely need to blog more… but I digress. This year has been one full of big changes.  In all honesty, I don’t know if those changes would have been made without the Comedian being my conscience.

First and foremost, after many years of believing my car still had a lot of life in her, I finally sold my 2003 Mazda Protégé for a 2010 Toyota Corolla S.  This was the first car I ever owned and the last car I had in college, it had a lot of memories I was not willing to give up.  It didn’t matter to me that it didn’t have automatic doors or windows, or I neglected to get tints, even though I live in Florida.  The Comedian was convinced that it was about to explode, I mean when something broke in the car, he would say, I think you need a new car.  I kind of brushed it off with my stubborn mindset.  “The car still has lots of life”, I would think but he was obviously looking out for my best interest.  The timing was just right.  I had enough to put down for a down payment and I could afford it, so it was done.

Second, I finally got Lasik surgery.  I have been wearing glasses since I was 9 and contacts since I was 13.  So, I have officially been blind (I mean my vision was really, really bad) for about 21 years.  I forgot what it was like to wake up in the morning and be able to see.  I have also never been one to wear glasses.  They bothered me.  Glasses would fall down my nose and I never could get used to

how they looked on me.  I was waiting for the right moment to do the surgery.  Luckily for me, a good friend of mine was a technician at Lasik Plus.  He knew my vision history, Hell, that’s how we met.  He worked for the eye doctor I went to when I was 18.  This was a great opportunity to undergo surgery with someone I trust helping with the procedure.  It was a no brainer.  Today, I have 20/15 vision.  My eyes still get dry from time to time but that’s normal.  I love waking up and not having to worry about contacts or glasses.  I know it sounds like a marketing ploy but I’m telling the truth.

Finally, last but not least, the biggest thing that happened this year… The Comedian and I bought a house!  The opportunity to buy really came out of nowhere.  I wanted a house for us to have more room for our creativity and for Rosco to roam but I felt like that possibility was out of our reach until I got a sense that I should start asking questions.  Maybe it was God telling me to give it a try but it was definitely a strong sense that this was going to work out.  We really had a month window to get the house closed due to some personal finance situations and we pulled it off with the help of my awesome Realtor, Jane Sloan, and the team at Absolute Home Loans, Amy and Bobby.

What’s interesting about the house is that on the vision board I made after watching The Secret I asked for a 1500 square foot home.  All of the houses we looked except for the one we bought were 1200 and 1300 square feet.  I knew they were wrong for us.  When the seller accepted our bid on the 1400 square foot home, I knew it was it.  In The Secret, there’s an example from the writer of Chicken Soup for the Soul who came close.  This house came so close.  It just shows how visions and positive thoughts will bring you what you pray for.

Needless to say, there were other things that happened this past year.  I started school at Florida International University for my MBA, the Comedian and I went to… ummm… 5 weddings, only 1 baby shower (thank goodness),  I hosted my first crawfish boil and High School Marching Band Reunion, and the Comedian and I celebrated our 2 year anniversary.  There's really so much more!  It has been a great year!

I really look forward to 2015 and all that it has to bring.  I will graduate with my MBA in May, I think there are 3 more weddings to go to, my sister will be having my niece, and I’m sure so much more will happen.  These years do fly by but they are filled with so many memories.

Live in the moment, cherish every minute.  Cheers to 2015!

Food, food, oh so yummy Food - Day 3

I did it, I worked out yesterday and now I can't feel my legs.  There has to be something wrong with this work out regimen if I'm doing squats every day.  It just hurts!  No recovery day!  We'll see about this!

My trainer requests that I send pictures of everything that I eat over to him, I guess to check whether I'm following the rules.  With my years of trying all the diets under the sun, eating well is not completely foreign.  Really, it's the lack of exercise and massive amounts of wine I like to drink.  Also, I do indulge a little more often than I should.  Who doesn't like a toasted bagel with cream cheese for breakfast?

What I miss the most since Monday?  Cheese.  I love cheese.  The comedian always jokes that we're cheesy people but that can be seen in two lights... that we are really nerdy and love corny jokes and that we love cheese. Anyhow, I have made due.  Chicken breasts, veggies, toast with Peanut Butter, is not so bad.   My next challenge is to figure out some recipes to jazz up my taste buds.

Not So Bad-Day 2

It's Day 2 and I have to say, so far so good.  As usual, my motivation beast has shown his ugly head.  I did not feel like waking up this morning to work out.  Excuses run through my head like a crazy person.  My thoughts kept saying,

"Oh, you're so sore from yesterday."

"You need more sleep"

I'm not going to let them defeat me today.  I will work out after work.

There are some things that surprise me when it comes to trying new things.  I have always heard bad things about drinking protein shakes.  Like they aren't the most appetizing thing to consume or that they give you really bad gas.  I'm not really sure it's all hearsay.  Yesterday morning, I created a concoction of Allmax Nutrition 15oz Isoflex - Vanilla, berries, Silk Pure Almond Vanilla, some banana, and natural peanut butter.  Let me tell you, YUM!  There's not much that I'm missing through this journey so far.  I'm so accustomed to healthy food from all of the dieting I've done over the years so this is not much of a stretch.  Maybe I'll hate myself a little more after the squats I'm set out to do today.  I have to keep reminding myself... I want a better booty.  Ha!

I'm also being told to take extra supplements.  I'm curious as to what effect they will have on my body.  I've had so many crazy experiences with multivitamins that I'm a bit weary.  It could be the lack of education I have on getting fit and working out but parts of me are conflicted in thinking I should do this is as clean as possible.

Let the journey commence

I've been battling weight problems ever since my family moved to Florida when I was 9 years old.  In the fear of not being kidnapped, my parents kept us indoors.  They would say, "If we're not home, you can't play outside".  This was a tougher part of life because my dad left the military (for the first time) and my mom started working.  They dynamic was very different from when we were on a military base.  My mom didn't have to work.  She did take some part time jobs but those were done when we were in school so my sister and I didn't know any different.

Fast forward to today, the consequences of not being outside and playing, also, the infamous Puerto Rican way of eating caused both my sister and I to not really understand what it was to be healthy.  My dad was always very fit and ran like 10 miles per day.  He left when I was 14 years old.  There was no fitness role model.

I have tried every single diet under the sun.  My biggest struggle was to maintain that lifestyle long enough to get to my goal weight.  While I was in college, I did the South Beach diet.  I lost about 15 lbs.  Then after my ex fiance, I started taking diet pills and that worked for a little.  Then my body started doing some scary things, so I stopped.  When I was with my fiance, I weighed the most.  It was crazy I was wearing a size 16.  I dropped back down to a size 10/12 after taking the diet pills.  Next, about 2 years ago, I experienced the most weight loss.  I went on Weight Watchers and lost 20 lbs.  I was feeling great but I could no longer afford to go to the meetings which is the most important aspect, in my opinion and I started my current relationship.  I've maintained my weight for the most part but it's time for a serious change.

Lately, I started following quite a few fitness people online and I was saying to myself, what am I waiting for?  Yes, I love food and alcohol but is it really that important that I keep eating the wrong things?

So last week, I reached out to someone that I have been following on Pinterest, SwiftFit, and inquired about his program.  I took the leap.  After a few days of back and forth of understanding the program, I'm all in.  Today is Day 1.

I want to use this blog as an opportunity to make a promise to myself and my readers that this is a commitment I'll make for the next 90 days.  Yes, yes, I know, it's during the holidays but what's the challenge if I can't get some interesting days under my belt.

Wish me luck!

Her story, his story, and the truth about break ups

It has been a very interesting day.  I was asked to give break up advice on two different instances.  What is interesting about break ups is that no one break up is the same.  There is a different reason, different circumstance, and two very different people.  In all honesty, I'm not in the relationship so I cannot give advice as a person who understand both sides.   What I can say for break ups is that the recovery from them is different from person to person.

My personal way of handling hard times such as this is to listen to really bad love songs, lying down on my couch, and drinking a bottle of wine alone.  For whatever reason, that's how I cope.  You need to let out the tears and the emotion to really let go of what had happened.  Its all about going through motions.  The most important thing I find is to get back to yourself.  Before a relationship, you're a different person.  You know who you are and are hopefully enjoying life through your own eyes.  When you're in a relationship, things change.  There's another person that you share things with and you share yourself with.  It's very easy to get lost in who you are and who you think you're supposed to be.  Finding yourself within in a relationship is one thing I felt that has been really important.  If you want to end up with someone in the long run, you have to know and understand who you are in a relationship for the relationship to be successful but that's not what this post is about.

At the end of the day, all break ups are different.  No, you're not supposed to sleep with someone to get over it or drink yourself to oblivion.  You're supposed to feel the pain, understand who you are after the break up, and be the person you want to be after the fact.  Other than that, the rest is fluff.  To try to understand why the other person broke it off might drive you insane.  You have to remember, there are always three sides to a story.  Your side, their side, and the truth.  No story is the same.  Stop listening to all of your friend's advice and listen to you heart.  Isn't your heart the one you have to live with in the first place?

How Much Does Social Media Influence Little Girls?

Recently, the Comedian and I broke into a debate about raising girls in the current environment with social media being such an influence.  I really had no idea how to argue his point.  I'm not a parent and I don't have experience with the psychology of a young person.  I'm not really sure how others are developed, I only know my own story.  There is some sort of fear of raising a child.  You don't know how they will grow up or what kind of adult you would be, one would just have faith that you would instill your values into this child and let them out in the world.  Does this ideal make us naive?

This conversation came up because of the recent album cover of Nikki Minaj.  Basically, her bare bottom is shown as she is bent down.  She has made a name for herself as a talented artist and young girls look up to her.  So does this make it okay to show our bodies in that manner?  What kind of message does that deliver to little kids?  Not too long ago, Kim Kardashian posted an Instagram photo with her in a revealing bathing suit that made us question the same.

Granted, when I was growing up, there were influences like Madonna and Cindi Lauper, however, I was very sheltered.  My parents never talked to me about sex and I was always told to dress conservatively.  My mom is an old school Catholic woman.  I remember she made a comment about my rebellious stage in college.  I used to show a lot of cleavage because I felt that if I was blessed to be endowed in that area, I should show it off.  She said that I had one side of my closet I wore around her and the other I didn't.  Ha!  I don't dress like that any more if you're wondering.  Something about not being 21 anymore changed my wardrobe.

After the conversation ended, I posted a question on Facebook asking the opinion of others.  Many felt strongly that is more difficult to raise girls in this generation than before because technology is so accessible.  Others said the jury was still out.  Children have influences from their friends where they might have cell phones at 7 years old and able to watch things that are not being supervised by parents.  There's a comedian, Louis C.K., who was asked by his 9 year old daughter whether she could have a cell phone, he told her, "No".  She questioned and he answered that she wasn't old enough to have a phone.  She rebutted that her friend had one.  He still said, "No".

The question is whether parents have enough influence on their children to become good adults, to not follow in the footsteps of pop stars showing off their sexuality and sending the wrong message to the opposite sex.  How do we really know?  The thing is, we don't.  We don't know how our children are going to turn out, however, we pray that they are healthy and lead good lives.  In the long run, we love them and want them to have the time of their lives like we did.

The Freelance Struggle

Recently, I have ventured into the world of freelancing. After listening to several podcasts and reading articles, I went against the advice of most and tried a freelancing website. If you're trying to branch out into being paid for your art, this is definitely not the route.

After a week or two of being on the site, I could see why it was such a challenge to make a living. No one getting paid the rates listed could really make ends of me. But still, I was excited to have my first paying gig. Write 30 articles about dating advice. Easy enough considering that is one of my fortes. After I accepted the offer, I realized, I was literally being paid $1.00 per article. What a rip off! I know my content is worth so much more.

I really tried to make a good impression as this was my first job on the site but it just didn't seem worth it in the long run. The person who hired me said my content was amazing. Knowing that, I felt it was time to just quit. I could do so much more with the content I am able to produce on my own site and be truly appreciated by those I cater to.

I am venturing out on doing some real freelance work. I have started a new website catering to that customer. If you're interested in seeing some samples, feel free to visit Valerie Writes.

I would love to make my travel dreams come true. I know it can only be obtained by not working the hum drum 9-5 where I have to ask to have 3 weeks of vacation a year and the company dictates how much I'm worth. Maybe I sound like a true Millenial but at the end of the day. That's how I really feel.

AOL Chat Rooms and My Prom Date

Recently, I read an article about two dating gurus met on twitter and are now engaged. The woman in this situation mentioned that she had been dating online since she was 19. At that point, I felt compelled to tell my story. I started dating online since I was 17. Almost 12 years of dating online until the Comedian and I made it official. In the days of AOL chat rooms and dial up, I was curious on how to meet new people. Right before my prom, I had asked an old coworker that I was interested in to come with me and he agreed. Needless to say, I should had at least reminded him on a monthly or weekly basis that he was taking me. When it was a few weeks before the prom, I called in to check on him. We weren't seriously dating nor did I know what kind of relationship we had so I had a hard time keeping track or getting returned phone calls. Finally, when I did get in touch with him, he informed me he totally forgot and that he was sorry. He had to work that day.

I was devastated. This was my senior prom and my world was over. For a 17 year old, that was serious business. I hit the chat rooms. I think at the time there was an Orlando chat room and I entered, just to get some sort of consolation. I entered my a/s/l and the conversations started flowing. "Hey Valenlatina", "What's going on Valen". Finally, I started a conversation with someone. He lived about an hour away and was willing to hear my sob story. A girl in need of a date for prom.

After talking for a while, he finally said, "I'll take you to your prom." I was overjoyed. I had a date! But first I had to meet this guy in person.

We met a local tourist spot called Old Town. If you're from Kissimmee/Orlando, you know exactly where this place is. He was a very polite guy and this was a good first meeting. Really nothing to write home about. We walked around Old Town and talked. My online experience was officially a success. He wasn't exactly my type and that became more apparent at my prom, however, I NEEDED a date.

The rest was history. I was just not that into him. My mom thought he was cute though. Better her than me, I guess. This is where my dating adventures began and I wouldn't change anything about it. Except my hair. I had really bad hair for my prom but that's another battle.

The Friend Zone

Sometimes, I get phone calls from my guy friends who are still single with the one struggle they can't seem to shake, the Friend Zone. I have mentioned before that a woman knows what she wants within the first 30 seconds of meeting you. There is a possibility that she might change her mind and/or you'll grow on her but for the most part she has made her choice. Don't get me wrong, I know couples where the woman in the relationship wasn't really sold on her suitor at first. But that is always the exception, not the rule.

I think the main problem with being in the friend zone is the guy becomes infatuated with the idea of being with this person. There is some looming idea that there is a slight possibility that you should be together. Normally, I recognize the "Friend Zone" right away. I tell them to cut ties before they get hurt... but no, my friends all masochists. They want to continue the dream that one day, they will be with their "dream girl". I might come off as spiritual, however, I am a firm believer that when the right person comes into your life, you will know. It won't be a struggle, it will be just right. I have no problem with fighting for what's right but you can't change someone's opinion. They will have to WANT to change themselves. Don't force it.

There is a common trend with those who end up in the friend zone. They tend to be insecure and are afraid to make a move. I will be very honest and say that a woman likes a man who is a hunter, someone who isn't afraid to make a move. Also, when you end the "friendship" and they come back, then you're in control and can change the circumstances. Tell them that you want to be exclusive and if they honestly cannot do that, then they can go off onto their own path. You know the adage, if you love something, let it go and if it comes back, it's yours. But on your terms.

I am reminded by one particular person while writing this. I hate to see those close to me suffering through heartache. I know it might be cruel and hard but I suggest that if someone is dragging you along, cut the chord! I've done it. You'll live to be a much happier person. One problem with being in the friend zone and the person who has "friend zoned" you is taking advantage of your hospitality towards them, it's better to take that out of your life. It is negative and it is a poison. There is one commonality in women that seems to trend is that we don't know what we want until its right in front of us. Just because its nice to have someone around to listen to your problems and be your friend, its not fair if there are feelings involved. Someone will always get hurt. Trust me, cut off the relationship. Find some sort of solace within your friends who are just friends and continue to live life.

Again, the right person will come along. I am not saying that because I have found love, I am saying that because I have seen it happen time and time again. Remember, only you are responsible for your own happiness. If you are in a situation where you know you are driving yourself nuts, then get out. No need to continue to put salt on a wound that stays open.

The Cycle

I will never be the woman with the perfect hair, who can wear white and not spill on it. - Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City

Growth is inevitable. Well, at least to me. I have never envisioned myself to ever stay stagnant. To not continue learning about the world, life, and myself. I know I'm not perfect. I don't think anyone is. Everyone is their own definition of who they allowed themselves to be. Some are just unaware how they got to where they are. I remember in college, I had a roommate who was my friend, at the time, and she was doing a study on Puerto Ricans and their role in society. Because Puerto Ricans are citizens of the U.S., they are eligible for benefits like welfare which they take advantage of especially in low income neighborhoods. Her study was specifically in Chicago. Anyhow, she talked about the "Cycle of Poverty". I always found this interesting because it solidified the notion that sometimes we just don't know any better because we weren't taught. This idea basically meant that because these Puerto Ricans learned to live in poor conditions, survive in low income areas, and had no aspirations to live any other way, they passed on these traits to their children who continued the trend. Thus, ensuing a cycle that continued. Granted, there was always the exception but that's all it is, the exception, not the rule. I have always been a student of people. Learning their behavior, their reactions, and so on to understand why they would say the things they said or did the things they did. When I dated, it became a little bit of a challenge until I actually really liked the person and got really frustrated when they didn't see what I saw. The potential of a great thing. Luckily, God had a plan and landed me with the Comedian. I am forever grateful for that. I didn't learn very much from my parents. They did teach me to be a good person and to be considerate of people's feelings but I wasn't taught about money or love or how to deal with sketchy people. My mom was never really into makeup or clothes, she's a very plain woman. She's a peaceful, reserved woman. And I came out like a thunderbolt ready to strike the next social gathering. Plus she had straight hair. Not me...lol. Let's say, I've been referred to Shakira on a regular basis because of my wild curls. I learned how to blow dry my hair from my hair stylist, friends, and youtube. I learned how to apply makeup by the back of pallets of eyeshadow and youtube. This is because I wanted to be someone who wanted to be a bit more fashionable and I realized I never learned that from my mom. I LOVE shoes and she wonders why I have so many. My point out of all of this that you have the choice to decide who you want to be. Like Carrie from Sex and the City, I know that I will never be the perfect girl who can keep her clothes clean through a meal. Hell, for whatever reason I always manage to get something on myself. I will always be the person who walks accidentally into a pole or falls in public. But that's who I accept. Whatever I want to change, is my own choice. I know I won't every be a statistic unless it comes to cliche surveys on how many shoes I own. Love yourself and who you are. You are unique in your own right. If you don't like the situation you're in, change it. You are the designer of your life. Don't let excuses on why things aren't the way you planned get in the way. Because you are the only reason you got to where you are.

The Road to Self Discovery

I finally did it. I figured out what I wanted to be when I grew up. It has been a struggle in many avenues of my life during the beginning of the year, however, I found that I stepped on this road to finding out what I really wanted and how to really express myself. For those who know me, I'm not necessarily the best at expressing myself verbally but when it comes to pen and paper, I am fluent in emotion. I think the current relationship I'm in has opened my eyes in who I am as a person in a relationship. I look back in all of my experiences and I find that I really needed someone to invest in me, the person I am.I'm stubborn, I really don't know how I feel until 20 minutes later, and I stutter when I'm angry. It's a bit astonishing because I recall some past relationships where I used to fight all of time when I'm not an aggressive person. I think some people just know how to push your buttons. I tend to be a really patient person so a lot of things don't bother me. I really don't like those who are inconsiderate and always try to find the easiest way out. Maybe I can be a little hard, but my business upbringing wasn't exactly a walk in the park. I have a little birdie in my head that always says, "Don't do something if you're going to do it half ass." I tend to want to be as hard on people as I am myself and I have to remember, they are not me. So relax! I know you're sitting there wondering, "Alright already! What do you want to be when you grow up?" Fine, I'll tell you! I want to be a Corporate Trainer and do training development. I really have a passion for teaching people and I would get to integrate writing in the process... boom! Now, I know you're thinking, why don't you just be a teacher? In all honesty, I'm not a kids person. I love the ones in my life, but dealing with other kids and their potentially bad upbringing. I don't have the patience for it. I do, however, want to commend the teachers that do and love their job. Thank you for molding the future. I look forward to this journey. See you at the finish line!

In My Head

I am starting to become accustomed to this non scheduled way of posting. It seems I can only write when there's a spare moment of inspiration in my busy life. Sigh. But I created my life this way, so I keep on truckin'. I have these sudden bouts of crazy emotion the same time every month. I honestly don't know what to do with them. I get upset pretty quickly and I'm just better left alone. I never understood why people have the urge to want to fix what is wrong but in all reality, nothing is really wrong. I just have a heightened sense of self and I didn't realize how I reacted until it was too late. I believe in the "Power of Now", Eckhart Tolle speaks about women not being themselves during this time. I have had such difficulty honing on how to be present and find peace when my reactions tend to be a little erratic. Most of the time, I find myself talking my way out of it in my head. I guess that's what it means when you're "in your head". I get lost in there sometimes. I believe its true with those who have a creative mind. They get lost in their ideas, dreams, and visions, they forget there's a reality to live. I think that's why I've never been good at taking pictures. I'm in my head, in that moment,and I forget that I should remember it by taking a snapshot.  There are so many memories from college I wish I had a picture of but I never stopped to take a picture.  Luckily, the Comedian is a picture person, so problem solved!

My point out of all of this is to remind yourself to stop and see the moment for what it is.  Get out of your head and slow down.  I'm partially saying this to myself as a reminder.  Then again, blogging has always been a good way to remind myself that this is the mindset I have and how I want to grow.

I'm Rubber, You're Glue

It's late tonight and I am just in a moment of randomness. I really should be reading an article for class. Yes, I'm back in school pursuing my MBA. I don't know where it will lead me but the future looks promising. Anyhow, I realize I am more and more a student of human behavior as time goes and the more I learn. I find it interesting how egos can get scarred by someone else so easily. I am a victim of the same. I think it can more damaging when it someone you hold in high regard as the one doing the slashing of the soul. The problem is remembering that "I'm rubber, you're glue". Kids got it down pat with that rhyme. What changed? I think puberty made us emotional fools. We should remember the present is the most important time of your life. Not the past or the future but the now. Every moment now is the best moment.

I have been an advocate for living life happily. Granted, bad things will happen but those things are meant to learn from. I love my friends and family. And I know they love me for my love for life, laughter, corny jokes, and random facts I feel for whatever reason everyone should know. But that's me. I have learned that the less you care about what people think about you, the more you can be yourself, and people will love you for just that. You being you.