Secrets to Making a Breakup Be the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You

When we talk about breakups, we don’t talk about how positive they can be, we focus on how horrible they are. I was in a relationship for almost nine years, and when that ended, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. So, if you’re reading this and you are pre-breakup, mid-breakup, or even post and trying to move on, start with changing your thoughts about break up. It is positive, it’s change, it’s a new beginning, and most importantly, it’s a new you. Getting your heart broken is the way to start over and make a life you will never need a vacation from and will never need to break up with. It’s so easy to say this, so I have made a list of things that helped me move on and get to that positive place. Here they are…

Cry, scream, and be all the emotions

What I mean by this is feel all the emotions. You can’t move on if you push things down and never address them. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time. It’s gonna be a bumpy road, emotions will come and go, but this will be the best thing to ever happen to you and one day you will wake up, and the shadow will be gone, and you will be happy again. I know you’re asking the biggest question just like when Carrie got her heart broken by Mr. Big for the millionth time.

You know, Carrie from Sex in the City, asked “When will I laugh again?” Miranda responded “When something is really funny.”

That’s how being happy will be one day, it will just click. Until then move on to the rest of this post.

Make a list of all the things that annoyed you

Get specific about the guy and the relationship. This is a great list to have on your phone so when you feel like texting him, or you hear a song you both loved you can read the list and remember why you broke up. When the time comes, and you’re with someone new it’s an excellent way to compare the new guy with the old and make sure they are nothing alike. Who wants to make the same mistake twice? Am I right?

Make a list of all the things you love about yourself and your life

Self-worth is the most important thing anyone can change. If you don’t like you, then who will? This list can be hard in the beginning, try to be very specific and keep adding to the list and read over this list every time you’re sad or not feeling like you are enough. Everyone has good qualities and has talents, appreciate yours. One of my favorite quotes by an unknown author is

“You are YOU and that is your power.”

Embrace your power and embrace your uniqueness. Which leads me to the next point.

Change your self-talk

A world of disappoints will turn into a reality of winning. Words are important, they all have meaning and truth. How is it the nicest people often treat themselves the worst? I came to find that I was quite rude to myself. So take the negative challenge, and I replace I can’t, I won’t, I’m sorry and no; I replaced it with yes, thank you, I can and I will.  It makes a world of difference. One of my favorite movies is Alice in Wonderland, and it’s because she tries to do six impossible things before breakfast. And with a mindset like that the world is yours. Be nice to yourself and say nice things. If you need some motivation or an example of affirmations, click here. You will not be disappointed.

Start working out

Even if it’s just a walk with your dog every day or starting a new class at the gym, get out and get your body moving.  There are so many studies that state walking is good for your brain. There is a form of therapy called EMDR, and it focuses on changing your thoughts and memories while using both sides of your brain. It’s an incredible form of therapy because you are not talking your way through your problems and getting obsessed. You never tell your therapist what it’s about and you work through your thoughts and memories replaces them with less dramatic more positive feelings. I recommend it to anyone wanting to heal from any past traumas.

Try new things and meet new people

Have you always wanted to take an art class? Or learn how to dance? When you are at work what do you wish you could be doing? When getting home, DO IT! Scared to do something is the best sign that you need to do that very thing, so DO IT. When I was moving on from my past life, I chose always to say yes. My world had gotten so limited like the relationship I was in.  When you get scared to take that as a personal challenge to do it. Always say yes. You will be surprised at the things you can accomplish and the people you will meet along the way.

Go on vacation

traveling is the best thing for a broken heart. We forget that life is more than the bubble we live in. It’s a huge world and it will bring things into perspective plus you have so many memories to bury the past with which in the end will help you to move on.

Read self-help books and listen to positive podcasts

I know it’s cheesy but there is good stuff in others experience and advice. Heck, you wouldn’t be reading this post if you didn’t want to change yourself so get obsessed with being better, feeling better. Even trying to better yourself can help you feel better. So get to it, I love The Motivational High Five but find what works for you.

Re-establish friendships with friends and family.

Bad relationships lead to breakups which then have unfortunately put our loved ones as collateral damage. Re-establish those friendships and like I said before don’t be scared to make new ones.

Create goals

Are you happy with your job? No? Change it. Do you hate where you live? Yes? Move. You only have one life to live to get living it instead of surviving it. You don’t like something change it. And keep changing it till you love it.

And finally, upgrade on that relationship

This breakup will be the hardest thing ever do but the best choice you’ve ever made. there is someone out there that will make you look back at the relationship you just left and you will think how crazy you were to ever be so upset it ended. Find someone better, that fits you better, communicates better and has a similar love language as you.  We don’t look hard enough to find the people that will suit us best and possibly be our soul mates. So look because I can tell you by experience when you find them you will be happy. Life will be so easy and you will look back at your past relationships and laugh that you ever thought that was love. Don’t settle, your fairy tale does exist.

Thank you for tuning into my post on Val’s Bytes, check out more post’s at ANYTHINGGIRLY.com

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The best compliment to any blogger is sharing a post, so I invite you to share and thank you in advance if you do. Comment below and let me know what has helped you get over a breakup!

10 Ways You Know You're in a Good Relationship

As you all know I am a relationship know-it-all, I can look at any couple and tell you how long they will last. If you believe this statement, then you are a fool. I am no expert, but I have had my heart broken and stepped on like the doormat. But I learn from my mistakes I can tell some definite signs that you are in a good relationship and since I'm in one, I can live to tell the tell. Here they are...

1. You are physically and mentally healthier.

   I have always struggled with my weight and my analytical mind. I have come to find that this amazing, handsome specimen calms my fears and pumps me up. I am in the best shape of my life and have a healthier, mind, body and soul.

2. No more "I can't" or "I won't."

   It hit me one day that I have to get to know myself again; I am no longer living in a bubble scared to go outside. I am in a relationship that has expanded my horizons.  In the past, I thought I was too dumb to do some of  the things that I am doing now. It's an amazing feeling to have someone that runs with you instead of holding you back. When you're with someone that speaks positively about you and to you, it helps change yourself talk to be more positive. The world unlocks itself when you take I can't, or I won't get out of your vocabulary.

3. Your goals are getting achieved.

   Firstly my goals are a lot higher or harder to reach, and I achieve them. I am with someone that is a go-getter, and he helps me with my goals, and we even have goals as a couple. We have a life that we are working towards achieving and it’s a great feeling to have someone that is growing with you.

4. Life is easier.

   I use to get so frustrated with things not working out, I've come to find that my man makes me laugh at these moments. He sees me for the imperfect person I am, and I don't feel stupid or ashamed; I feel heard and understood. Life gets a lot easier when you're laughing through the mistakes and failures as well as the good times.

5. The giving and the taking feels natural and equal.

   There might be days where I don't do as much around the house, and my man does the dishes and wipes the counters. We are are not counting who did what, we are picking up where the other left off; we are a team.

6. Less fighting more laughing.

   We hardly fight, I think we can we have fought once. I'm not saying that your relationship isn't good because you fight. We have been through some pretty stressful situations, and somehow we don't fight, it's just us. When one of us is upset or says something or does something snappy we call each other out on it and the person apologizing, and we move forward. It's not about the lack of fighting but about how you move forward when you do.

7. Honesty is the best policy.

   We always tell each other the truth, the brutal truth which sometimes means like I said in number 6 that you get called out. It might sting a little, but I would rather have a partner that helps me grow and be better than someone that keeps me stagnant just to save my feelings.

8. No secrets.

   You keep one secret from your partner and the secrets turn into the book of secrets, and soon it's what's keeping you from being honest with your partner. We made a rule always to tell the truth and say it as nicely as you can. Some things should only be between you and your partner and when you have that be sacred your relationship will follow. I will not let anyone or anything come in the way of my partner and me; he is the most important being. His secrets are my secrets, and that's what has brought us closer together.

9. Hours of talking and the honeymoon stage has ended.

   My man and I miss some important moments in our lives because we are too busy talking. We missed the Eiffel Tower lit up at night because we were chatty Kathy's in the hotel room. We are always late to meet friends because caught up in some conversation. We have been dating two years soon, and we still talk like we have just met. We talk about everything under the sun, and it's weird because we are with each other 24/7 together.  It also makes talking about hard things easier; we talk to understand not to respond.

10. Never stop choosing your partner first.

    I think this is the most important thing; your relationship will never work out if you don't put your partner first. I have had to tell myself "This person is my family and no one else matters." you start choosing your hobby or friends over the person and you might as well just wave your relationship goodbye. I'm not saying you can't see your friends, but everything comes in balance.

I hope your relationship is as good as mine and I'd love to keep adding to this list so comment below on what you think makes a good relationship.

Follow me on Facebook at Heidi Mae Searle

And Instagram @heidimaesearle

XOXO

No One Wants to Hear about a Happy Relationship

“No one wants to hear about a happy relationship.”  That’s the Comedian said after doing a bit on stage.  Before he told a joke, he would run it by me to ask whether it was okay.  I honestly didn’t mind.  I knew it was an exaggerated version of our reality.  Once, a woman pulled me to the side after he performed on stage and said, “You don’t have to let him talk about you like that.”

Sincerely, it was okay.  I had gotten comfortable with being the butt of 90% of his jokes.  In all seriousness, comedians talk about what they know, and if they spend most of their lives with you, then you will be the butt of their jokes.  I usually laugh it off and say “I signed up for this when I decided to date a comedian.”

It’s the same as being a dating blogger.  I spent countless hours talking about my latest conquests and how the majority of them went wrong.  Now, that I’m in a happy marriage with the comedian, I am scrambling for good material.  I have no issues talking about myself but who really wants to read about a happy relationship?

It’s true.  Most of us watch reality TV because we feel that if this rich person’s life is falling apart in front of us, then maybe we aren’t so bad. These past few weeks, a lot of people approach the Comedian and me and ask, “How’s married life?”

I sincerely don’t know how to answer.  It’s great.  Nothing has changed.  We are still two creative peas in a pod just trying to make our way in the world.  He’s the type of person who can make you laugh and the next hour has a serious conversation about the development of society.  It’s crazy to have found this combination in a person, but it works. Someone told me to

enjoy this time because you never know when things will change.

She is right.  I’ve seen my friends go through ups and downs in their marriages.  But the strong always prevail.  I admire the strength in understanding your partner, and when things get tough, they are really there for you.

The comedian even said in his vows that you need someone to grow with you and push you to be the best version of yourself.  I would like to challenge everyone to talk about their happy relationship.  It might make the idea of finding the right partner much less stressful.  He is out there.

On a side note... our wedding video is out!

I hope you enjoy!

https://vimeo.com/191169594

A Commitphobe strikes again!

I am sincerely honored to get asked advice from someone who I normally speak to in my social circle.  Thank you so much for reading my blog! Here goes:

Dear Val,

I have fallen for a commitphobe guy which I dated for 2 months. He has been in relationships up to 5 years but only because of his children. Every time we got close to one another he would pull away. Last week, he introduced me to his friend and cousin. Then next day, I noticed texts were getting colder. That Saturday we met up again, I felt his coldness when we attended his partner's party. That's when we finally had a massive argument. He made excuses that I was disrespecting him at his partner's party, like crossing my arms and not turning my face from me. He took photos of me crossing my arms to prove it to me. He then stormed out of party and asked "Where shall I take you?" He wanted to go home and said I should go home too. I was confused, distraught, and didn't easily leave. I tried to reason with him but it got worse.

Since that day he's been stalking my Facebook and putting sarcastic posts up. I cropped one of photos up from the party and posted it not in a bad way. He then posted he needs a vacation and was writing to his friends to go away next week for his birthday to Istanbul.

1. He knew I wanted to go to Istanbul and worse still is I booked the trip.

2. Also knows paid for a bed , breakfast & dinner date, and a yacht for his birthday.

He has also cropped my pic out and posted as profile pic.

When I post pics from party he likes them of course sarcastically to hurt me or puts quotes he will be in a relationship in 2016.  I sent him a few pics of him from party and he sent me the 2 pics with me looking other way or crossing arms.

This is just an excuse, why doesn't he move on then or delete me instead of checking my posts and being bitter.

I should move on yes but it does hurt me. I am fed up with his mind games but I miss him too in some sense.

Could you give me any advice, please?

Sincerely,

K

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear K,

First and foremost, I would like to thank you seeking advice from me.  I really appreciate it.

Second, here's my advice...

I'm not sure of your friend's previous situation however it seems he is extremely emotionally immature and not ready for a real relationship.  Some commitophobes tend to make excuses to not get into another relationship one way or another.  He has to be hurt from some previous experience to be scared to want to commit again.

From your email, I noticed there is some abusive behavior that is not healthy for you or for him for that matter.  You were probably excited to share the pictures from the party and his response was negative.  This is a classic case of trying to build his ego.  He is only concerned about making himself feel good and not with your own well being.

If there's any way for you to potentially go on the trip with a good friend of yours at another time without a huge penalty, I would recommend that.  The reason why some guys don't let someone go is because they do not like the idea of rejection.  Again, it boosts his ego knowing that he can always go to you when he needs you.  This does nothing for you, only causes you confusion and pain.

Like I told a friend not too long ago, if you love something let it go and if it comes back it's yours.  In this case, your guy here needs to grow up emotionally a little bit before he can have someone significant in his life.

As hard as it is to walk away from someone you fell for, do it for yourself.  You will be much happier in the long run.  Relationships are not supposed to be this hard so early.  It is supposed to be all butterflies in your stomach, happy moments, and longing to be with that person ALL of the time.

You're absolutely right.  It's going to suck for a little while.  Put yourself first.  You should be number one in your life all of the time.  Loving yourself only makes it easier for someone else to love you.  Trust me, I've been there, I remember the happy moments and wonder why I ended things but then I realize I love myself too much to put myself through the pain again.

Let me know how you're doing through the process.  I can suggest some books or even podcasts to listen to that will make you feel better while you are going through the break up.

Sincerely,

Val

"What if?" is a scary phrase

Recently, a close friend of mine lost his father.  It got me to thinking about my relationship with my father.  Naturally, the first thing I think is that life is fleeting.  People come and go, bad things happen, good things happen, you have great relationships, and wonderful memories.  Some of those moments lead us to hours of therapy that I'm not sure how I paid for. Anyhow, I didn't have a really close relationship with my father growing up.  He just wasn't around.

Growing up in the military has it's unconventional moments.  First, I never had a friend for more than 2 years.  Not that I was a bad friend but they would move away.  I remember my best friend from elementary school moved to Alaska.  I mean... how were we going to stay friends without the internet?  Second, my dad would spend overnights on base or at training.  He wasn't home very often.  He retired for a short period of time, didn't like being a civilian, and got right back in.  Which led him to Panama.  Needless to say, my dad missed the most awkward parts of my life, the teenage years.  There were a lot of factors in him not being around and I'm not 100% sure about a lot of it.

When I was about 27 years old, my dad came out of the woodworks and established an ongoing relationship with me.  I can't say I see him all of the time but we do email each other on a regular basis and I have finally learned where my personality came from.

Back to death, I still wonder what the future holds with my father.  Even in the wedding planning process, getting an answer out of him is a bit nerve wracking.  I would really like him to be a part of my future kid's lives and want him to come up to Orlando more often.  This could be a cry but I don't want to think "what if".  Parts of me don't want to make the effort but if life is so fleeting, maybe I should so that I could have that relationship that I want with my father.

Gosh!  That's all I really want... a better relationship before it's too late.

Commitaphobes vs Monogamers

A good friend of mine, "Los" (short for Carlos) and I have talked several times about commitephobes and monogamers.  Both of them exist in the dating world.  I admit, for a long time, I was a commitaphobe.  There was a point I was about to get married to someone and I wanted to run so far, he would never find me.  I also dated several guys to the point where it was easy to run.  This had to do a lot with my abandonment issues.  It was easier to leave than to get too close to be vulnerable.  I then found my match... "The Comedian".  Oddly enough, he was known as a monogamer.   So what is a monogamer?  That is someone who is always in long term relationships.  My younger sister is a monogamer.  It is rare that she is out of a relationship for a long period of time.  She likes being in relationships and so does my fiance. When I met "The Comedian", I wondered what made me different from the other relationships he had in the past.  Would I be another long term relationship that would lead to eventual heartbreak?  I think my honesty upfront cleared up a lot of questions.  I would not be in a relationship unless I knew it was going to be something real.  There was something very different about "The Comedian" and there were other things that kind of put us together like the law of attraction.

There was definitely a change in me when I met him.  I knew it had to be a special guy for me to settle down.  It was kind of like Carrie and Big.  My ex fiance was like Aidan... I knew something was wrong and I ran.  "The Comedian" was always my "Mr. Big".  He has a big personality and a big heart.

I have come across both monogamers and commitaphobes in my quest for love.  I think I also liked the chase of a commitaphobe.  Those who made it too easy and they didn't challenge me caused me to want to run the other way.  I guess I wanted the "bad boy" in a sense.  Someone that was hard to get.  Who doesn't like an unhealthy challenge? (haha jk)  I think my friends who are married thought I was kind of a nut for these challenges but all in all I was on a quest for something great.  My own version of Sex and the City.  Carrie says it best,

“I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.'”

I'm not sure how a monogamer and a commitaphobe got together but it works.  He pulls the best out of me and I do all that I can to learn to be vulnerable.  I know he loves me for my heart and the ability to continue to grow with him.  I made a decision that if I was going to really find love, I would have to let go and that's exactly what I did.

You're going to rue the day... You started my dream

I’ll be completely transparent, I was let go from my 9-5 job on Monday. Most people would think I would be distraught with thoughts going through my head like, “Oh, no! What am I going to do?” or “I can’t believe this horrible b**ch let me go. She’s going to rue the day she made that decision!” But no, that’s not how I feel at all. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.

You see, prayer is a very powerful thing, as much as some people might choose to believe or not to believe. I wrote a blog post a few weeks ago and I got a lot of praise from it after I prayed to God about my path the night before. I was a bad Christian and I hadn’t prayed in a while until Monday morning when I simply said, “Let me know where my path to living a dream will take me”. And boom! I was let go. It was apparent that the relationship was not working out the way anyone had anticipated, however, I used the job as an excuse to not fully pursue my passion for writing as much as I should have.

I had been dreaming of just writing since I was a little girl. I wanted to be a journalist, or so I thought, until I realized that would mean I would write someone else’s stories in a specific format for the rest of my life. I didn’t want to do that. I wanted to write my own stories. I wanted to be an investigative journalist but I wasn’t willing to work from the bottom of the barrel to hopefully make it to the top so I just did what society told me to do and got a job. I really deviated from my dream to write.

It wasn’t until 2011, I had my heart broken, and I went back to my roots. I was told I had talent and I remembered my purpose once again. I guess you have to hit some sort of rock bottom to remember where you came from. It wasn’t a real rock bottom, that came a few years later but it got me back to doing something I really enjoyed. Then the story just unfolded from that point. I started doing freelance work to expand my portfolio and here I am today, jobless and pursuing my real passion.

I have to say, this could not happen without the support of the Comedian who has always instilled in our relationship that to create is what makes us such a unique couple and I am reminded by him regularly to live our passion and our dream. I guess I am still living in a little bit of fear of the unknown. It’s interesting I read an article today in Addicted2Success.com basically solidifying what I have been avoiding for so long, the fear of the unknown. I’m not going to say I love or hated my job, it was just not me. Going in from 9-5, living someone else’s dream and passion, and going home a paycheck in which someone else chose the amount I was paid. Just the thought of all of that irks me a little bit. I’m not knocking it for anyone else, I’m just saying, it is not for me.

All in all, I’m excited for this journey I am just embarking on and every bone in my body is happy. Just utterly happy. I know it’s all in God’s hands now but I have faith that everything will turn out just the way it’s supposed to.

Lovenote images - Artistic images

The Next Step

It has been 10 blissful months with the love of my life, the Comedian.  I might get a little sappy in this post but I promise I have a point.  We are taking that next big step, moving in together.  On Sunday, we picked up the keys to our apartment where the lease has both of our names.  I believe any step taken with another person does require thought and consideration, however, sometimes you just know it's right. On Saturday night, we were at his cousin's house for a birthday party.  The Comedian mentioned to me that he was talking to his cousin regarding our new move.  He said, "This is a big step, are you ready?"  The Comedian didn't hesitate (in my head this is how the story went), he said,"When you know it's the right person, it isn't so big.  It's just the way its supposed to be."  Granted, I did do cartwheels in the back of my head when I heard this response but it was very true.  Sometimes we put emphasis on things that might seem like they are supposed to be complicated but what I've learned through this relationship that every move we've made, has just been the right one.  We live in a world of reality TV and dramas, so we expect our lives to be one but it doesn't have to be.

I remember having a conversation with a friend before dating The Comedian and he said, "When you know, you know".  It is so true.  Something about feeling at ease when you're with someone is the most peaceful feeling that I have experienced thus far.  In my past relationships, I would worry, do I need to babysit him?  Do I need to hold his hand around my friends?  Do I need to take care of everything?  The Comedian has shown me what its like to be treated the way a woman is supposed to be treated.

Don't ever settle for making excuses for your significant other.  I have been guilty of that as well.  They are supposed to be your partner.  In my case, my partner in peace ;-).

Being in "Like"

Meeting someone you might really like and beginning the possible pursuit of a relationship is bittersweet.  I personally start to morph into a different person.  I'm not sure if I'm the only one but I start to look at my dating profiles less, I don't text those lingering lovers as often or not even at all and I end up staying home much more.  It's the strangest feeling to want to be loyal to someone you barely know but in essence, I wouldn't want to do anything that would ruin the potential of a new relationship. I have a friend of mine who I talk to on a regular basis (I used to date him).  When I disappear for a while, he asks me, "So who is he?"  I find it kind of entertaining because sometimes its not a new guy, I just simply haven't had the time to go online and look out for him.  Plus married guy friends are kind of taboo.  I can't call him at all times of the night and have him convince me that drunk texting someone is a bad idea.

This stage of just getting to know someone is kind of exciting because parts of me want the next text or phone call to be from him and when its not, I get slightly disappointed.  Its kind of like the honeymoon stage before the honeymoon stage.  But the unknown always drives me crazy.  I've been told in many occasions that I have so much control over every other aspect of my life, but when i comes to relationships I'm a mess and I really am.  Just the wave of teenage emotions sometimes gets the best of me and my gemini nature wants to jump right in.  Just gotta remember... gotta be a lady first.  Well, a lady which can find humor in some of the worst things.

Ugly Duckling Syndrome

I’m not sure if this term or phrase had been dubbed before but a close friend and I have defined people who suspiciously insecure for no reason because they are attractive, smart and witty might have “Ugly Duckling Syndrome” meaning they grew up shy, unpopular, awkward and/or in the shadow of a sibling who consistently received praise.  Unfortunately, I have discovered this as a hurdle I was never really aware on how to overcome.  Everyone handles their insecurities in different manners.  I, myself, have been told I have this syndrome.  I am just simply unaware of someone being interested in me or do not take note that I might be attractive in some instances.  I, luckily, have good friends that have to slap me from time to time. 

In dating, I find as I date older men, this has been something they notice right off the bat.  I guess with the consistently trail of mimbos which I have dated, I never really had to handle my ability to be totally comfortable with myself.  I’ve also noticed that if you are dating an Ugly Duckling, they will never be able to take a compliment or consistently put themselves down.  My good friend who I consider to be my dating guru says that two Ugly Ducklings should never date.  You should date someone who will pull you out of the hole you have unawaringly put yourself in.  You need someone who is confident in their own skin.  Don’t get me wrong, I am confident in my wit, career and smarts but I’m just ignorant to how I am perceived and whether I am found attractive.    

I dated a local amateur comedian at one time which I constantly had to tell he was attractive and that women were looking at him.  It boggled my mind that this person was able to go on stage and be a funny person with a great personality but did not even have an idea that the women who spoke to him when he got off stage were hitting on him.  Don’t you know the best way to get into a girl’s pants is to make her laugh????  Duh! I actually enjoy watching the person I date get hit on because it secretly boosts my ego.  “He’s going home with me” I would say to myself.  In the long run, because I was so focused on him in the relationship, I allowed a lot of red flags to just be swept under the rug.  I forgot about myself.  In the long run, it just became emotional.  I find myself so worried about the other person but that is for another insecurity reason which I might talk about in another blog.

I also have a close friend of mine who is beautiful but because she was once 230 lbs in high school and now near 130 lbs, she is consistently worried about her weight.  Sometimes I just want to tell her, look in the mirror, look at what you’ve accomplished and you still look this good after having two kids.  You obviously know the secret to keeping yourself the way you are and you should be proud.  Now get dressed and let’s go out!

If you have a friend with this syndrome, don’t fret.  Just be by their side.  They just need someone to hold their hand sometimes.