The Ultimate Dating Basket Giveaway

March madness is among us!  Coming from a University of Florida Gator, this time reminds me of the years I was there when we won 3 championships in 2 years (2 basketball and 1 football).  In commemoration of great times, I felt it was time for a giveaway.

I've talked about them so many times in my blog and in our podcast, Love Bits and Bytes, that it's only right you should have them for yourself.  Included in the basket are two of our favorite books:

• The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman
• Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man by Steve Harvey

Not only that, we want you to put your dating chops to the test.  I have also included a $25 Darden restaurant gift card plus something spicy to end your night (if everything went well).

This is a great basket for both guys and gals.  Make this a great opportunity to get something for yourself, take your significant other on a long-awaited date, and it's free.  Just enter below.

The contest will start on March 15th, 2017 and end on March 30th, 2017.  The winner will be announced on April 4th during the Love Bits and Bytes podcast.

Only one winner will be chosen.  You must be over the age of 18 and located in the continental U.S.

You can find out additional ways to enter this giveaway after submitting your email address.

Enter below for the Ultimate Basket Giveaway!

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What to Expect When... Getting Married

First and foremost, I have a couple of announcements.  The podcast is coming back!  After a year and a half in hibernation, I knew it was time to bring it back.  But this time, there will be a new format and a cohost.  I am super excited because we recorded some of the shows today and the banter is just fantastic.  Look out for the first episode this week. The other day, the comedian and I were talking about preparation for marriage.  When you buy a car or have a baby, some people take the time to do their research before finalizing on a decision.  Why don't we do that when we decide to get married?  I lucked out in the sense that the Comedian was extremely adamant about building a foundation before making any serious moves, like getting married or having children.  You can't fix a relationship that's already broken.

There are some people out there that believe a child can put a band-aid on a serious problem or that sex is the solution to avoiding a relationship.  It's kind of like alcoholism.  The problems just don't disappear because your mind is somewhere else.  They will be there when you get back.  I had a good friend of mine was going through a divorce and decided to move across the country from Orlando to LA in hopes that a change of scenery would bring him back to his usual self.  Unfortunately, it didn't.  He went into a little bit of a depression and decided to move back.  In reality, his support system was here in Orlando.  The people around him nursed him back to himself, and he was able to date again.

I'm not saying our system is perfect, but we can both say we know the other person well.  The Comedian promises he has more romantic gestures up his sleeves and those are the kinds of surprises I like.  There is a reason the court in Florida gives you a discount on your marriage certificate when you take a course before getting hitched.  Marriage is supposed to be forever.  That's what we all say in our vows.  Take the time to read some books together or try one of those "get to know you" questionnaires they have on Pinterest.  I've done a few of those with the Comedian early in our relationship.  I'll even add a link to a few for good measure.

Many of us women have this dream of finally being loved by our prince charming.  I know it's easier said than done but take the time out to get to know your prince before he becomes your King.  He could very well be a frog.

Here are some books to read together and links to those questionnaires I promised.

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts

Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married

100 Random Questions to Ask Your Boyfriend

40 Personal Questions to Ask Your boyfriend

13 Questions to Ask Before Getting Married

The Settler vs The Reacher

Coincidently, when it comes to figuring out to post, life usually hands me a lemon.  In this case, I was binging on How I Met Your Mother (for the second time) and I came across this episode where Marshall is told he's the "reacher" and Lily is the "settler" in their relationship.  Of course, there's a funny plot twist where Lily eventually gets jealous of Marshall when he's kissed by a beautiful woman who she ends up knocking out. Around the same time, I was talking to a friend of mine regarding his latest conquest.  He has been adamant about not having a relationship.  He had been married then in a long relationship before moving to his new town and had no interest in getting serious with anyone else.  Let's just say; my friend looks like John Cena.  He is attractive and motivated but has no interest in settling down.  The woman he started dating is very well off but even after his plea to not get attached, she got attached.  She is the reacher because she was trying hard to change his mind or impress him so that he would settle down with her.  This is a classic case of a settler and reacher.

During my time dating, there was a long period where I had no interest in settling down or getting married.  Yes, I might have had a boyfriend in my early 20s but marriage was so far gone out of my mind, I had no plans to do it until I was ready.  Like my 30s.  At that time, I dated a lot of umm "mimbos" (really good looking men with no intellect whatsoever).  I think it was a conquest for myself because I considered myself an ugly duckling (Insert horrible 90s school photo here -Thanks James!).

When I discovered hair gel, mousse, makeup, and tweezer, I found I could use my intelligence for my benefit.   Bring on the handsome men!  I didn't commit to anyone of these people because I didn't want to be the settler.

After a while, and my ex-fiance, I realized that I didn't want to go down that route anymore.  I was 27 and finally ready to realize that maybe I should find someone.  I now became the reacher.  The men I did like, I tried too hard, and the men who were not smart just turned me off.  I remember I dated this guy with a gold grill.  I couldn't bring him around my friends.  When he told me he was falling for me, I freaked out.  How did this happen???

I realized that even at one point I was reaching for someone who wasn't even my type.  I learned that the mental connection was all that I needed.  It was my love language, quality time.  Regardless, he was a commitophobe, and that didn't work out in the long run.

After watching that episode of How I Met Your Mother, I started to wonder if I was the settler or the reacher in the relationship.  I think at this point; I don't think I'm either.  I think both the Comedian and I bring great qualities to the table.  I guess I'll let you be the judge.

Why do women need control?

A few weeks ago, I was on a radio show and one of the hosts made a comment that she always pays for dinner, even on the first date.  I did not agree with her, however, I kept my true opinion to myself because it wasn't my moment.

There is an underlying reason for wanting that control.  Whether a guy took advantage of her in the past or her mother brought up to think that she can only fend for herself might be an explanation.  Part of falling for someone is being vulnerable, to let go, and to be completely and utterly intimate with someone else.  When you're holding onto the control, you never get to really feel the power of what love can do.  I cannot guarantee you won't get hurt but

"Is it better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all?"

Honestly, that is your decision to make.  Personally, I want to love.  Just like Carrie from Sex and the City says,

"I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love."

I am not going to put down women in power but there is something beautiful about femininity. Why do we have to erase it from our very core? All because women need to be powerful in the courtroom does not mean that behind closed doors they cannot be someone else.  This past weekend, I went to a conference and a body language expert said something.

"A woman's biggest strength is her warmth" - Susan Constantine MPsy

Yes, there is a double standard as women as leaders in the business world, but our make up is such that we are able to multitask better than men.  That we do have a power that other men do not have, warmth.  However, there is something to be said about melting to a man’s arms in a passionate embrace in the bedroom. Personally, I feel there’s nothing like it. There is no better high than hot, passionate, sweet, raw sex. If you have never experienced it before, it is because you have never let go of control and let emotions take over. You are severely missing out.

Regardless of everyone’s opinion, after all of the books I’ve read about relationships and advice, there is one prevailing theme. Men are the providers and protectors and women are the nurturers. Why fight Mother Nature? Out of the unhappy relationships I see, there is a balance that is not met. Whether you read the The 5 Love Languages or Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, understanding your role in your relationship and how your significant other loves you is what makes it all work.

If a man offers to pay, open a door, or compliment you, take it. Don’t fight it and want to control the situation. The man is simply doing what he was brought up to do. He is not trying to take your power or make you less of a woman(unless he's a total deuche). What makes you a woman is something else. It’s the fact that you can take on 20 tasks at a time and still have time to get your nails done, or the fact we have a high threshold of pain and the ability to bear children. That’s what makes us beautiful, a woman. We are smart, beautiful, and capable. Yes, we might not all NEED a man but he wants to feel needed. Let him have it. Why take it away?

6 Points on Love in the Beginning...

I've been doing some reading today and it sparked some thoughts in regards to my life and relationships.  I have had ups and downs but all that had made me realize is that life is precious.  There are some points I wanted to address when it comes to starting a new relationship.  I found throughout my blogs, there were common themes.  Below, I discuss what I’ve learned prior to my relationship and during.  There is more to come as I learn about myself… 1.  Love will come when you least expect it

I can honestly say that this is very true.  When I look back on my relationships, all of them came in a time where I wasn’t looking for a relationship.  The times I did try to pursue someone, it always ended where I started questioning myself.  More than often enough, those were times where that person wasn’t as in to me as I was into them.  Currently, I couldn’t be happier and trust me, the person I am with is the last person on earth I expected to contact me.  However, I am so grateful that he did.  Sometimes we leave marks on people’s hearts and lives.  Those who realize those marks are the ones who treasure them more than anyone.

2.  Be Patient

One thing I learned prior to my current relationship was to be patient.  I had been struggling with abandonment issues for a fairly long time.  Granted, almost any girl freaks out when the guy she likes doesn’t respond right away, even if he’s just taking a nap.  It’s the unknown that is the scary part.  Some ladies hide it better than others.  I learned to internalize a lot of my neurosis, then analyze them after the fact.  Regardless, men can sense when you are really insecure. Figuring out your reasons for reacting the way you do is very important your own personal growth.

3.  Stay busy

One thing that helps with the impatience I was trying to internalize was staying busy.  I am blessed with amazing friends.  Also, I found a hobby in writing.  There is nothing better to do with your time than build relationships that will last a long time.  I find it true that in the beginning of the relationship, you have to keep your ground and still remain the same or similar to the person you truly are.  Many of us become sucked into the other person and want to spend every waking moment with them.  In time, you will get comfortable with your significant other, then have to find yourself again.  By maintaining your hobbies and relationships, you are more likely to still be you.

There will be a time where you start getting into the groove of your relationship.  When this starts to occur (my current state), you will find that it will be super easy to integrate your loved one into your life as well as you into his.  It is really about communication and wanting to work in a partnership.

4.  Men are simple

I have mentioned this point in blogs before.  Men are simple.  When they like you, they like you.  When they don’t or they want you for another purpose, they start acting strange and do things that freak you out.  Honesty and trust are priority in a relationship.  If you can’t trust the person you’re with, then what’s the point?  One of you ends up going crazy because they are always questioning the other person.  I personally don’t believe in invading someone else’s privacy by going through their phone, tablet, or computer.  If they have something to hide, they’ll hide it.

On that note, I cannot stress the importance of a woman’s intuition.  You know deep down inside when something is wrong.  Don’t deny it, cover it with excuses, or anything.  Confront it.  There is a difference between insecurity and intuition.  One is emotionally driven and the other is instinct.

5.  Do not try to change the man; if you’re making excuses for him then maybe he’s not right for you.

I’ve been in relationships where I am engulfed in the person I think the other should be but at the end of the day, they aren’t.  If you’re looking for a long term relationship, this is someone you intend on being with until your last days.  Change can only come from within.  Only you can control your own actions and who you are as a person.  I have a few guy friends who continue to date the same kinds of girls and yet, they keep getting burned.  This goes both ways.  Excuse my language but you can’t be Captain Save a Hoe.  Someone who doesn’t have their stuff together won’t magically get it together because you’re in their lives.  It is important that you realize you are with someone who makes you a better version of you, not bring you down.

There are obviously exceptions to the rule, you know urban myths where someone’s friend of a friend changed their husband and now they live happily ever after.  Remember, those are exceptions, not the rule.  I would recommend watching the movie He’s Just Not That Into You, it holds a lot of truth.  It’s one of my favorites when it comes to debunking dating myths.

6.  Your partner should be your best friend

Last, but not least, your significant other should be someone you can be yourself with.  They should be the one you trust with your deepest darkest secrets.  They should be someone you grow with.  There are some things you won’t share, like the latest on your favorite reality show or the intimate details of your best friend’s labor story.  It is one thing I have learned in my current relationship.  There are just some things he doesn’t care for, like how I might cut my finger nails from left to right or that I always forget passwords.  I have the tendency to over explain myself.  All in all, The Comedian always makes me laugh in even the most strenuous of circumstances but yet he is there when I need a shoulder to cry on.

I can honestly say, I am truly happy with my current circumstance.  My point here is not to tell you what to do but my advice when it comes to entering a relationship from my own personal experience.  All relationships are different but remember you are the only one in charge of your own happiness.  If you’re not happy with yourself, you can’t be happy with anyone else.

Anxiously Waiting

This past weekend I was presented with a new thought. Growing up, I was told to be on time. Worse, I was told I had to be 5 minutes early because being on time was considered late. You can thank my military upbringing. I have always made an effort to let people know I was on my way, running late or I couldn't make it. Something in my conscience told me that was the right thing to do. After doing some thinking after a conversation, I started to wonder where the anxiety came from. Why did I feel the necessity to tell someone so much information without them asking for it? I felt it was polite or the right thing to do but was it even something they cared to know. I'm not honestly sure, I did it because I felt it was a courtesy. But this goes deeper than all of that. After reading The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman, I realize that we do things and hope the same in return.

I've learned over time that you should not expect people to be like you. Trust me, it wasn't easy considering I can be a grammar nazi sometimes and I want to correct anyone any chance I get. But that, in turn, it's unnecessary. People respect you more when they ask you for help and you provide it. I learned to just be patient and be there when someone needs help with something that I know.

Recently, I realized that I struggled with just that, the know it all attitude. I have been so proud of being on time, I didn't realize that I was imposing the behavior on someone who wasn't accustomed to my punctuality. I started to dig deeper into why I got nervous when they didn't arrive in the time expected and an old friend reared their ugly head.

I know I've mentioned in previous blogs before but I have experienced serious bouts with abandonment. It all boils down to being left alone, then, feeling uncomfortable because I was expecting that person to come to my call and take the aloneness away. This realization surprised me. I felt that I have come a long way from where I was last year but for whatever reason, I'm still battling an old demon.

As I continue to discover nuances about myself, I have to remember all of the learning I did late last year and early this year. Stay in the moment, enjoy those you are with and time is of the essence. Be positive. Never let old demons beat you because they are not who you are. You are now, the present not what's on your mind.

Happy Birthday America!

During occasions which involves the military, I get pretty emotional.  I'm the type of person who cries during the national anthem.  My dad retired as a Lt. Colonel in the army not too long ago and continues to work for the military as a civilian.  I have three cousins in the military.  Two in the navy and one in the army.  I was also engaged to someone in the army who served in Afghanistan. So as you can see, I have a lot of ties and respect for what men and women in the military do for us to keep our country safe. 

I get especially emotional when I see a soldier speak to his/her family while deployed or when they come home.  I tend to be a very strong person when it comes to crying, however, that always touches a part of my heart.  At the moment, I'm extremely torn because my cousin, who is like a brother to me, is going back to Afghanistan this month.  I can't imagine what goes on over there but by what I've been told, its not exactly a pleasant nor safe situation.  I know you risk your life by simply getting into a car but something is to be said about being in a very hostile area where your life is in danger by walking in the wrong area.  

Growing up, I told myself that I never wanted to date someone in the military.  Not that I don't have respect for what they do but I knew that, deep down inside, I couldn't handle the lifestyle.  I knew that I wanted someone to be there with me to raise the family, to be there with me through thick and thin.  My love language is Quality Time (I totally recommend that you read the 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman), which means, in order for me to feel loved or have my love tank full, I need to spend time with that person and have good quality time with them.  I give major props to military wives and girlfriends who hold down the fort while their men are overseas.  I know its not easy.  It was very hard for me while my ex fiance was overseas.  I remember, I cried literally every day for the first month he was away on his deployment.  I just don't like the idea of losing someone you care about, I mean, who does?  

This blog goes out to all of those who have served for our country, those families who have lost loved ones and those who are overseas right now.  I am immensely grateful for all that you've done.  I also want to pray that my cousins all come home safely as one is about to leave and the other two are away from home already.  I love you all.