Holiday Gift Ideas for Your Significant Other

Yesterday, I put out a survey on Facebook to ask what people would want their significant other to get them for the holidays. The main consensus I got was that you should really know the person you are in a relationship with. Many of the people responded to receiving gifts that were very personal. If you're still stumped, here are some tips for getting the right gift for that special person in your life.

Gift ideas for the adventurer

Some of us have the wanderlust bug. What would mean more to a person who has a sense of adventure is to plan a getaway to have somewhere they have been hinting. I love to travel so really a trip anywhere outside of my house is ideal. For someone that is more romantic, plan a staycation in your hometown at a beautiful resort where you can lay in bed all day and get massages. For someone who is a little more adventurous, plan a small trip to the mountains to go hiking or by the ocean for a peaceful weekend away.

There is room in your budget for even the smallest trips. Seeking adventure does not have to cost an arm and a leg. It's really the thought that counts. If you need help planning a trip away from home, check out this website Great Value Vacations.

If you have young kids at home, get a babysitter and take your husband or wife for a night on the town.

Gift ideas for the tech geek

These gifts also work well for those who like to be super organized. Courtesy of the Comedian, he feels anyone involved with tech would like to get their wires in order.

The Grid-It Organizer has always been a lifesaver on trips. Usually, the Comedian organized all of our chargers for our phones, laptops, Chromecast, and other things a tech person might need to keep handy.

Along with the organizer, we usually carry an Anker 6-Port USB charger. Instead of having ten power blocks for your different phones, we only have this one charger that we plug all of our devices into. When you're traveling, you could be limited to the number of plugs in your hotel room or space in your bag. Using these two tools help.

If you have a bigger budget, then obviously you can get even more elaborate. The Comedian usually drops hints on the things he wants. Next is a 4K TV but that's not in the budget for this year. I always make sure to check out CNet before buying anything tech related. If your SO knows their stuff, they can smell an imposter from a mile away. You'll want to do your research, check reviews, and make sure you are getting the best gift for your budget.

Gift ideas for the fashionista

Many of my friends are makeup lovers. They invest hundreds of dollars in good quality eyeshadow, blush, eyebrow pencils, and more. If you're a guy and this is not your wheelhouse, it is probably best to stay away from trying to buy makeup for that special lady in your life. This goes the same for shoes and shopping. Pay attention to what your SO is saying especially around the holidays.

I like to keep a special section in my Evernote about the things I would want to buy for my significant other. If you're not sure about your girlfriend or wife's size, don't buy anything clothing related. Trust me. You'll avoid an awkward conversation. Keep it safe and buy a classic piece of jewelry like a solitaire necklace, diamond earrings, or a nice watch. In all honesty, you can never really go wrong with a beautiful piece of jewelry.

Gift ideas for the person who has everything

Sometimes I find myself at a loss. I know my husband well enough to know he needs socks, undershirts, or random stuff for his office but I feel that lacks personalization. If you're like me and you want to get your significant other something different, something special, or something out of the ordinary. Give them an experience. Once my cousin's girlfriend gifted a day in his dream car. I don't recall the car, but it was about the experience rather than a physical gift.

Another idea if someone is a sports enthusiast, get them tickets to watch their favorite team, or make a trip out of it by taking them away for a weekend to watch a game. I know I would love some tickets to a New York Giants or Florida Gators game. Shoot... I haven't been to Gainesville, Florida in years!

Etsy has tons of personalized, handmade items that make any gift extra special. Be sure to read the reviews of those who have previously bought items. I'm a review reading maniac, and I haven't been unsatisfied with anything I bought on Etsy so far.

My overall point is to pay attention. If your boyfriend or girlfriend is a sneakerhead, then they'll want sneakers. If they like comedy, get them tickets to see their favorite comedian perform. The consensus I got from they survey online is gifting an experience is much more impressive than a physical gift.

If you need direction on what to get your loved one for the holidays, feel free to reach out to me at val@valsbytes.com.

Happy shopping!!

(There are affiliate links in this blog post)

Is it Rabbit Season? No, it's Cuffing Season

For the past few weeks, I've been mentioning cuffing season on social media and to my friends. It's not a surprise that most of you don't know what it is since it's a fairly new phrase. No worries, I'm here to save you from wracking your brain and sleepless nights. I heard this phrase a  few years ago, right around the time I got engaged to The Comedian. I thought it was a phenomenon only related to engagements, but that's not entirely true. It really has to do with what this time of the year does to people. From November to February, men are 15% more likely to end up in a relationship.

What is cuffing season?

I can't think of why the word "cuff" was used to describe what's going on during the winter months. I wish maybe cuddling season caught on but whoever punned the phrase made it stick. Experts tell us this is something that has been going on for years, but now we can put a name to it.

Ask Men asked relationship expert, psychologist, and CEO of the matchmaking service, Lasting Connections, Sameera Sullivan, for some insight:

“Cuffing season is that period of time between fall and the dead of winter when people start looking for someone they can spend those long, frigid months with,” says Sullivan.

The season is all about bringing people together, and that includes keeping each other warm. I also think that some people want to avoid the dreaded question from their grandmother who always asks when they plan on getting married. Trust, I've been there. Unfortunately, now they are asking when we are planning to have kids. I just take a sip of wine and walk away.

It's hard to be alone during the winter. You see all of your friends buying presents for their significant others, and they all have a date for New Years. I can see how having someone by your side, even temporarily, is a quick fix.

Beware of serial cuffers

Don't start throwing away all of your granny panties yet. Some men and women are serial cuffers meaning they grab a lover for the season then conveniently break up with them around Valentine's Day. First, there's something about that day that means you're in it for the long haul and second, its right before Spring Break. Who wants to be tied down at the beach?

Beware of those guys who say, you're different and keep you at arm's length. Be sure to ask about their dating past to see where you stand. With the dying hook up culture, cuffing season is a way back to chivalry where people are spending more time with each other than their Tinder app. It could be the hot cocoa and the fireplace that's creating this change, but that sounds like a fantastic time to me.

How do I get cuffed?

The colder winter months are a perfect time for someone who is sick of casual dating to settle down. I always tell those that I'm counseling that first, you have to be in the right mindset before leaving the single scene behind. If you want to be in a relationship, picture yourself in a relationship, and act as if you are in one as well. Putting that mindset in the air will make it more likely for it to happen.

Also, understand what kind of partner you want. Print out this Dating Terms worksheet to help you narrow down to the five traits that you must have in a partner.

When you get that figured out, get on a website with more serious candidates. I may be biased, but Match.com is my personal favorite (maybe because that's where I met The Comedian). Or get out of your house and start socializing. The world has a funny way of putting things together when the timing is right.

If you need any guidance during cuffing season, feel free to contact me here. I will be more than happy to guide you on your way to happiness.

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Before Finding Love, You Have to do the Work

Okay. I am going to give you a stern talking to. Are you ready? Good. Since I have announced that I am a certified matchmaker, I have been approached several times. It's been great! However, as soon as I ask people to fill out a questionnaire that will take them 15 minutes, they look at me like I have six eyes.

What I come to understand is that people want things handed to them for free or no work at all. It's absolutely insane. Yes, you can find love without filling out a crazy long questionnaire or asking me for help. That's fine. I won't be mad at you.

It's not just the questionnaire

Before getting into a relationship with the Comedian, I had personal hurdles I had to overcome like abandonment issues and sexual assault from my past. Everyone has baggage especially when you start dating in your late 20s, 30s, or even 40s. It's inevitable.

You had previous relationships, kids, issues with family members, and events in your life that have emotionally scarred you. I always say,

"It's not what you have been through, it's how you handle it that makes you who you are."

Those things from my past do not belong in a relationship. What did I do? I went to counseling, I read some self-help books like the Secret, and the Power of Now and I started looking at life differently. I wanted to be more balanced.

The Self-Awareness Era

We have so much information at our fingertips. More than likely, if you continue to have failing relationships, the common denominator is you. Not the other person you dated. I mean maybe there are some inklings that they weren't the right person for you. The definition of insanity is,

"Doing the same things over and over and expecting different results."

Take ownership of your life and look at your past experiences. Do you have a "Captain Save a Hoe" complex (meaning you always want to "save" your significant other)? Do you always choose people who are verbally abusive because your parents were verbally abusive to you?

We don't realize that sometimes we choose our partners unconsciously. I will tell you that I have a HUGE military guy complex. I consistently dated men in the military because my dad was in the Army. It was like they flocked to me like some sort of butterfly. These men were a reflection of my father; it is what I knew.  Even CNN recognized that its common for you to end up with someone like your parents.

What am I saying? Do the work. Find out what makes you tick and take a look at what happened to you in the past. Read some self-help books that teach you who you are, take a personality test like the one found on 16personalities, find out your love language, and learn more about your zodiac sign. These tests are actually really cool because they are uncanny and really spot on.

Understanding and loving yourself first will help you be a better partner to anyone who crosses your path. I can only help you so much to get you to a better you. I like to tell people that I can lead a horse to water but I can't force it to drink. This means that I can give you all of the tools in the world to find love, but if you don't take my advice or guidance, then I can't promise that you will get what you want.

There's a reason eHarmony has a long questionnaire

If you're serious about finding love, you need to do the work. When I embarked on a serious journey, I went to eHarmony and filled out their lengthy personality questionnaire. The purpose was to understand what I wanted in a relationship and those looking for love know who I am. Matching people is one part intuition and one part information.

If a deal breaker is your potential partner is a smoker, then it will probably not work. I need to know that upfront. If don't want kids, that could be a deal breaker for someone else. I might feel that two people belong together but if they don't match on other levels especially when it comes to future kids, religion, and family values, then it won't work.

I really do want to match and see people fall in love. It gives me great pleasure to know that I had part in your happiness. Understand that you have to do the work on yourself for balance and peace before getting involved in a relationship that will last for decades.

Do the work and you will see dividends.

If you're interested in learning more about your perfect partner, download this Dating Terms worksheet.

Secrets to Making a Breakup Be the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You

When we talk about breakups, we don’t talk about how positive they can be, we focus on how horrible they are. I was in a relationship for almost nine years, and when that ended, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. So, if you’re reading this and you are pre-breakup, mid-breakup, or even post and trying to move on, start with changing your thoughts about break up. It is positive, it’s change, it’s a new beginning, and most importantly, it’s a new you. Getting your heart broken is the way to start over and make a life you will never need a vacation from and will never need to break up with. It’s so easy to say this, so I have made a list of things that helped me move on and get to that positive place. Here they are…

Cry, scream, and be all the emotions

What I mean by this is feel all the emotions. You can’t move on if you push things down and never address them. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time. It’s gonna be a bumpy road, emotions will come and go, but this will be the best thing to ever happen to you and one day you will wake up, and the shadow will be gone, and you will be happy again. I know you’re asking the biggest question just like when Carrie got her heart broken by Mr. Big for the millionth time.

You know, Carrie from Sex in the City, asked “When will I laugh again?” Miranda responded “When something is really funny.”

That’s how being happy will be one day, it will just click. Until then move on to the rest of this post.

Make a list of all the things that annoyed you

Get specific about the guy and the relationship. This is a great list to have on your phone so when you feel like texting him, or you hear a song you both loved you can read the list and remember why you broke up. When the time comes, and you’re with someone new it’s an excellent way to compare the new guy with the old and make sure they are nothing alike. Who wants to make the same mistake twice? Am I right?

Make a list of all the things you love about yourself and your life

Self-worth is the most important thing anyone can change. If you don’t like you, then who will? This list can be hard in the beginning, try to be very specific and keep adding to the list and read over this list every time you’re sad or not feeling like you are enough. Everyone has good qualities and has talents, appreciate yours. One of my favorite quotes by an unknown author is

“You are YOU and that is your power.”

Embrace your power and embrace your uniqueness. Which leads me to the next point.

Change your self-talk

A world of disappoints will turn into a reality of winning. Words are important, they all have meaning and truth. How is it the nicest people often treat themselves the worst? I came to find that I was quite rude to myself. So take the negative challenge, and I replace I can’t, I won’t, I’m sorry and no; I replaced it with yes, thank you, I can and I will.  It makes a world of difference. One of my favorite movies is Alice in Wonderland, and it’s because she tries to do six impossible things before breakfast. And with a mindset like that the world is yours. Be nice to yourself and say nice things. If you need some motivation or an example of affirmations, click here. You will not be disappointed.

Start working out

Even if it’s just a walk with your dog every day or starting a new class at the gym, get out and get your body moving.  There are so many studies that state walking is good for your brain. There is a form of therapy called EMDR, and it focuses on changing your thoughts and memories while using both sides of your brain. It’s an incredible form of therapy because you are not talking your way through your problems and getting obsessed. You never tell your therapist what it’s about and you work through your thoughts and memories replaces them with less dramatic more positive feelings. I recommend it to anyone wanting to heal from any past traumas.

Try new things and meet new people

Have you always wanted to take an art class? Or learn how to dance? When you are at work what do you wish you could be doing? When getting home, DO IT! Scared to do something is the best sign that you need to do that very thing, so DO IT. When I was moving on from my past life, I chose always to say yes. My world had gotten so limited like the relationship I was in.  When you get scared to take that as a personal challenge to do it. Always say yes. You will be surprised at the things you can accomplish and the people you will meet along the way.

Go on vacation

traveling is the best thing for a broken heart. We forget that life is more than the bubble we live in. It’s a huge world and it will bring things into perspective plus you have so many memories to bury the past with which in the end will help you to move on.

Read self-help books and listen to positive podcasts

I know it’s cheesy but there is good stuff in others experience and advice. Heck, you wouldn’t be reading this post if you didn’t want to change yourself so get obsessed with being better, feeling better. Even trying to better yourself can help you feel better. So get to it, I love The Motivational High Five but find what works for you.

Re-establish friendships with friends and family.

Bad relationships lead to breakups which then have unfortunately put our loved ones as collateral damage. Re-establish those friendships and like I said before don’t be scared to make new ones.

Create goals

Are you happy with your job? No? Change it. Do you hate where you live? Yes? Move. You only have one life to live to get living it instead of surviving it. You don’t like something change it. And keep changing it till you love it.

And finally, upgrade on that relationship

This breakup will be the hardest thing ever do but the best choice you’ve ever made. there is someone out there that will make you look back at the relationship you just left and you will think how crazy you were to ever be so upset it ended. Find someone better, that fits you better, communicates better and has a similar love language as you.  We don’t look hard enough to find the people that will suit us best and possibly be our soul mates. So look because I can tell you by experience when you find them you will be happy. Life will be so easy and you will look back at your past relationships and laugh that you ever thought that was love. Don’t settle, your fairy tale does exist.

Thank you for tuning into my post on Val’s Bytes, check out more post’s at ANYTHINGGIRLY.com

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The best compliment to any blogger is sharing a post, so I invite you to share and thank you in advance if you do. Comment below and let me know what has helped you get over a breakup!

5 Signs You're in a Bad Relationship

Are you dating a narcissist? Master Manipulator? Emotional Terrorist? Here are some signs that you are in a bad relationship. I was told these signs a million times by people over the past years, and I pushed them back saying “he isn’t abusive things aren’t that bad, he doesn’t hit me.” If you find that you are doing this and minimizing the abuse maybe you need to take a step back and honestly evaluate your relationship. So here is a list of 4 things to watch out for and can show you that maybe it’s time to move on from this relationship.

1.  He Controls everything.

And it starts with your activities together it’s with his friends, his hobbies, and it’s all in his time; the activities you want to do never seem to work out. He isolates you from your family; you don’t see them as often as you did. Soon you start making up excuses to the people you love on why you never see them and why he never comes to you. He sabotages your friendships making you think that you choose to get rid of your friends.  Then control goes on steroids, and you start working from home, you no longer have a car, and when you leave the house, he is texting and calling wondering who you are with and how long you will be.  Soon he controls the money, and you no longer have your own, even though you work for it. Now don’t get me started with the sex because that’s going to be controlled too. It will be his choice on his time and his way. You will be left unsatisfied and unfulfilled with life and the relationship and when you complain he will make you feel like everything wrong in the relationship is your fault. Like I said before he is in control of everything, so he is going to control the blame.  This is manipulation at its finest, and it will make you think you are crazy. Take a second and stay grounded; it takes two to tango so don’t think the bad relationship is all your fault.

2.  History of past Abuse.

How does your partner talk about his ex’s? Does he refer to them as crazy? When he talks about who he dated, did it end badly with each one?  You better think twice about being with someone that talks that way. There is a common denominator, and I don’t think it’s that he only finds crazy women to date. A strong, grounded, mature person doesn’t have to label someone as something to protect their ego. A man that has integrity can date remain friendly after it’s over. Listen to the ghosts of his past, they are telling you exactly who he is, and someone like this doesn’t find crazies he creates crazies.

3.  The giving and taking are not the same.

In a bad relationship, there will always be one person that is the taker and the other the giver. That’s how you have been able to stay with him so long but also the reason that you’re feeling drained. You’re giving everything and doing everything, and he will give you enough to keep you around.

4.  The game of emotional abuse: belittling and stonewalling.

Does he tell you things that are physically wrong with your body? Does he always fail to celebrate your successes? Does he stand up for you with friends or family? Does he call you his doormat? Then when you get upset (because these are all hurtful things), he then ignores you till you apologize for getting angry? This is all in the plan because if you think you aren’t enough for him, you get so low that you get to thinking you can’t live without him. You will bend over backward doing anything he wants to keep him around. No one deserves to be a doormat, close that door immediately and open another that will lift up the doormat, dust it off and treat you like the amazing woman you are.

5.  Cycle of abuse

Another reason you stay because when it is good, it’s SO GOOD. I remember crying after my ex, and I bought a house together, and we saged it and talked about all the positive things that were going to happen in the house. Well for once we did an activity I wanted to do.  And it was fun, happy, and he was all in and paying 100% attention to me. The high of things going well never lasts. Eventually, the honeymoon stage is over, and the cycle begins again. He will belittle, Stonewall or flat out choose anything or anyone over you; you then get upset and then you’re called crazy. Meanwhile, you think it’s your fault and stay because you  THINK you can learn not to be crazy. But in reality, you aren’t crazy, and anyone that gets belittled, stonewalled and flat out chosen last would be upset. You are Normal; You will find a reasonable person to love, and you will be fulfilled and completely healthy.

So if you can relate to this list and you think your relationship is very similar, Please Go! You’re beautiful, smart, strong, and even though you have been conditioned to think otherwise and even though it will be the hardest thing you have ever done; do it. He will never change, and you will stay unfulfilled and drained. You can have a best friend as a partner, someone that’s excited to see you. I remained in an abusive relationship for almost ten years, in the end after I changed my bad habits and worked on myself and came to find it still was not working because he didn’t want it too. I tried to leave three times before I did. It was the hardest thing I ever did. Now that it’s all over and I’ve been with an amazing man I have the relationship that mirrors my parents. I am so glad I did it. It took a long time to get here, and I’m so proud to be where I am and be who I am. We are both in love with each other and will do anything to make sure each other are happy. I didn’t think this existed, and I didn’t think a relationship could be natural, and it is.

Thanks for coming to the party today, I’m sorry it feels like such a downer, but it does end well. This story has ended happily ever after for me, and I hope this post helps change someone’s nightmare into a fairytale. Life is too short, and we only regret the things we never did. You won’t regret living a more fulfilled life and leaving the draining relationship. Let me know if you liked the post or it helped you in some way by commenting and sharing.

XOXO

5 Topics Couples Don’t Discuss Until It’s Too Late

Murphy's law teaches us only one thing. Couples should discuss topics that can go south before they occur. Marriage is a fortress; its stability depends on how much attention you devote while building its base. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, that’s why you should discuss this topic on time; it might spare you of nerve-wracking situations in marriage.

Finances and money investments

Math and love don’t get along. Falling in love is something utterly irrational, and it should stay that way. No one ever said, I might spend my life with this person”, it just happens, like a bolt from the blue, without thinking you are already wearing a ring. But there should be a place for numbers in marriage. Even for little things like groceries, double companions should be equally involved. It allows marriage to be founded on confidence and trust. Long-term financial planning is of particular importance because it ensures the intentions of the spouse and strengthens a marriage. The less concern you get, the more, you will enjoy your marriage, and it will be easier to overcome other problems.

Sex life

Determine your sex life. Be clear how often would you like to have sex. I get it; everything works fine, sex is great, and you are deeply in love, you apparently think, why should I discuss something which is already perfect? In fact, if you want it to stay like that, it is important to start talking about sex life so you can prevent potential problems that might be just around the corner. The downfall of passion is waiting for you, and, sooner or later, it will happen. This is normal, but it won’t seem so if you don’t discuss it before it happens. A possible outcome is that your partner may start to doubt you, it is almost inevitable. This can be a cause for major problems in a marriage. Feel free to talk through every possible situation that crosses your mind.

Spirituality

You might end up in a relationship with a person that doesn't share your beliefs. No one expects big changes or surprises in this area after going to the registrar. Let’s say I’m a deeply religious person, but my wife is an atheist. That’s all right, I respect her views and beliefs, and she respects mine. But when children come along, you might face a situation where neither of you knows how to educate them. How do you make a compromise when things are opposed? A solution to this problem might be expressing both sides’ attitudes to the children as they grow so they can decide what is better for them. You may be lucky with a partner who is not stubborn, but imagine all this with a person who doesn’t want to make concessions. This could put marriage into question.

Career goals and aspirations

People should always think about getting married if they tend to pursue higher education and job success. We are living in modern society, and the “housewife norm” in traditional families is a thing of the past. On the other side, our reproductive organs are still same. There is no such a thing as accelerated pregnancy, and that won’t exist anytime soon, so partners should be aware of each other's plans in their professional lives. Different attitudes about having kids may be a great destruction force that can threaten a marriage, so it’s better to talk about that before it's too late, but not too early and not on a first date.

In-laws issues and influence of other people

This part should be simple, it’s your marriage, your story, and it should be without external influences, but reality is something else, other people will try to shape your marriage. Newlyweds will always have a strong bond with their parents and friends, that's normal, but there should be boundaries when it comes to your partnership. Each decision should be made by the spouses and their agreement. It is critical to envisage this before you drop the anchor. Involvement of other persons increases the chance of an unstable marriage.

Many other things are important to discuss before you lead your darling to the altar but from my experience, this are most important

10 Ways You Know You're in a Good Relationship

As you all know I am a relationship know-it-all, I can look at any couple and tell you how long they will last. If you believe this statement, then you are a fool. I am no expert, but I have had my heart broken and stepped on like the doormat. But I learn from my mistakes I can tell some definite signs that you are in a good relationship and since I'm in one, I can live to tell the tell. Here they are...

1. You are physically and mentally healthier.

   I have always struggled with my weight and my analytical mind. I have come to find that this amazing, handsome specimen calms my fears and pumps me up. I am in the best shape of my life and have a healthier, mind, body and soul.

2. No more "I can't" or "I won't."

   It hit me one day that I have to get to know myself again; I am no longer living in a bubble scared to go outside. I am in a relationship that has expanded my horizons.  In the past, I thought I was too dumb to do some of  the things that I am doing now. It's an amazing feeling to have someone that runs with you instead of holding you back. When you're with someone that speaks positively about you and to you, it helps change yourself talk to be more positive. The world unlocks itself when you take I can't, or I won't get out of your vocabulary.

3. Your goals are getting achieved.

   Firstly my goals are a lot higher or harder to reach, and I achieve them. I am with someone that is a go-getter, and he helps me with my goals, and we even have goals as a couple. We have a life that we are working towards achieving and it’s a great feeling to have someone that is growing with you.

4. Life is easier.

   I use to get so frustrated with things not working out, I've come to find that my man makes me laugh at these moments. He sees me for the imperfect person I am, and I don't feel stupid or ashamed; I feel heard and understood. Life gets a lot easier when you're laughing through the mistakes and failures as well as the good times.

5. The giving and the taking feels natural and equal.

   There might be days where I don't do as much around the house, and my man does the dishes and wipes the counters. We are are not counting who did what, we are picking up where the other left off; we are a team.

6. Less fighting more laughing.

   We hardly fight, I think we can we have fought once. I'm not saying that your relationship isn't good because you fight. We have been through some pretty stressful situations, and somehow we don't fight, it's just us. When one of us is upset or says something or does something snappy we call each other out on it and the person apologizing, and we move forward. It's not about the lack of fighting but about how you move forward when you do.

7. Honesty is the best policy.

   We always tell each other the truth, the brutal truth which sometimes means like I said in number 6 that you get called out. It might sting a little, but I would rather have a partner that helps me grow and be better than someone that keeps me stagnant just to save my feelings.

8. No secrets.

   You keep one secret from your partner and the secrets turn into the book of secrets, and soon it's what's keeping you from being honest with your partner. We made a rule always to tell the truth and say it as nicely as you can. Some things should only be between you and your partner and when you have that be sacred your relationship will follow. I will not let anyone or anything come in the way of my partner and me; he is the most important being. His secrets are my secrets, and that's what has brought us closer together.

9. Hours of talking and the honeymoon stage has ended.

   My man and I miss some important moments in our lives because we are too busy talking. We missed the Eiffel Tower lit up at night because we were chatty Kathy's in the hotel room. We are always late to meet friends because caught up in some conversation. We have been dating two years soon, and we still talk like we have just met. We talk about everything under the sun, and it's weird because we are with each other 24/7 together.  It also makes talking about hard things easier; we talk to understand not to respond.

10. Never stop choosing your partner first.

    I think this is the most important thing; your relationship will never work out if you don't put your partner first. I have had to tell myself "This person is my family and no one else matters." you start choosing your hobby or friends over the person and you might as well just wave your relationship goodbye. I'm not saying you can't see your friends, but everything comes in balance.

I hope your relationship is as good as mine and I'd love to keep adding to this list so comment below on what you think makes a good relationship.

Follow me on Facebook at Heidi Mae Searle

And Instagram @heidimaesearle

XOXO

The Ultimate Dating Basket Giveaway

March madness is among us!  Coming from a University of Florida Gator, this time reminds me of the years I was there when we won 3 championships in 2 years (2 basketball and 1 football).  In commemoration of great times, I felt it was time for a giveaway.

I've talked about them so many times in my blog and in our podcast, Love Bits and Bytes, that it's only right you should have them for yourself.  Included in the basket are two of our favorite books:

• The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman
• Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man by Steve Harvey

Not only that, we want you to put your dating chops to the test.  I have also included a $25 Darden restaurant gift card plus something spicy to end your night (if everything went well).

This is a great basket for both guys and gals.  Make this a great opportunity to get something for yourself, take your significant other on a long-awaited date, and it's free.  Just enter below.

The contest will start on March 15th, 2017 and end on March 30th, 2017.  The winner will be announced on April 4th during the Love Bits and Bytes podcast.

Only one winner will be chosen.  You must be over the age of 18 and located in the continental U.S.

You can find out additional ways to enter this giveaway after submitting your email address.

Enter below for the Ultimate Basket Giveaway!

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What to Expect When... Getting Married

First and foremost, I have a couple of announcements.  The podcast is coming back!  After a year and a half in hibernation, I knew it was time to bring it back.  But this time, there will be a new format and a cohost.  I am super excited because we recorded some of the shows today and the banter is just fantastic.  Look out for the first episode this week. The other day, the comedian and I were talking about preparation for marriage.  When you buy a car or have a baby, some people take the time to do their research before finalizing on a decision.  Why don't we do that when we decide to get married?  I lucked out in the sense that the Comedian was extremely adamant about building a foundation before making any serious moves, like getting married or having children.  You can't fix a relationship that's already broken.

There are some people out there that believe a child can put a band-aid on a serious problem or that sex is the solution to avoiding a relationship.  It's kind of like alcoholism.  The problems just don't disappear because your mind is somewhere else.  They will be there when you get back.  I had a good friend of mine was going through a divorce and decided to move across the country from Orlando to LA in hopes that a change of scenery would bring him back to his usual self.  Unfortunately, it didn't.  He went into a little bit of a depression and decided to move back.  In reality, his support system was here in Orlando.  The people around him nursed him back to himself, and he was able to date again.

I'm not saying our system is perfect, but we can both say we know the other person well.  The Comedian promises he has more romantic gestures up his sleeves and those are the kinds of surprises I like.  There is a reason the court in Florida gives you a discount on your marriage certificate when you take a course before getting hitched.  Marriage is supposed to be forever.  That's what we all say in our vows.  Take the time to read some books together or try one of those "get to know you" questionnaires they have on Pinterest.  I've done a few of those with the Comedian early in our relationship.  I'll even add a link to a few for good measure.

Many of us women have this dream of finally being loved by our prince charming.  I know it's easier said than done but take the time out to get to know your prince before he becomes your King.  He could very well be a frog.

Here are some books to read together and links to those questionnaires I promised.

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts

Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married

100 Random Questions to Ask Your Boyfriend

40 Personal Questions to Ask Your boyfriend

13 Questions to Ask Before Getting Married

The Rise of Dating Apps – Infographic

There is no doubt about the fact that we have seen a phenomenal rise in the use of dating apps and websites in the last number of years. Societal and technological changes have contributed to this rise with people more accepting of casual relationships and also we have witnessed the proliferation of smartphones and the Internet. Tinder, Grindr, Badoo are just a few that are now synonymous in the world of dating but it might surprise you which app is actually the most popular in terms of downloads.

Our friends at Carvaka have put together this interesting infographic which details all the data and statistics that you need to know about the monumental rise in dating apps all over the world.

-Elizabeth Morris, Head of Content, Carvaka Sex Toys

The Settler vs The Reacher

Coincidently, when it comes to figuring out to post, life usually hands me a lemon.  In this case, I was binging on How I Met Your Mother (for the second time) and I came across this episode where Marshall is told he's the "reacher" and Lily is the "settler" in their relationship.  Of course, there's a funny plot twist where Lily eventually gets jealous of Marshall when he's kissed by a beautiful woman who she ends up knocking out. Around the same time, I was talking to a friend of mine regarding his latest conquest.  He has been adamant about not having a relationship.  He had been married then in a long relationship before moving to his new town and had no interest in getting serious with anyone else.  Let's just say; my friend looks like John Cena.  He is attractive and motivated but has no interest in settling down.  The woman he started dating is very well off but even after his plea to not get attached, she got attached.  She is the reacher because she was trying hard to change his mind or impress him so that he would settle down with her.  This is a classic case of a settler and reacher.

During my time dating, there was a long period where I had no interest in settling down or getting married.  Yes, I might have had a boyfriend in my early 20s but marriage was so far gone out of my mind, I had no plans to do it until I was ready.  Like my 30s.  At that time, I dated a lot of umm "mimbos" (really good looking men with no intellect whatsoever).  I think it was a conquest for myself because I considered myself an ugly duckling (Insert horrible 90s school photo here -Thanks James!).

When I discovered hair gel, mousse, makeup, and tweezer, I found I could use my intelligence for my benefit.   Bring on the handsome men!  I didn't commit to anyone of these people because I didn't want to be the settler.

After a while, and my ex-fiance, I realized that I didn't want to go down that route anymore.  I was 27 and finally ready to realize that maybe I should find someone.  I now became the reacher.  The men I did like, I tried too hard, and the men who were not smart just turned me off.  I remember I dated this guy with a gold grill.  I couldn't bring him around my friends.  When he told me he was falling for me, I freaked out.  How did this happen???

I realized that even at one point I was reaching for someone who wasn't even my type.  I learned that the mental connection was all that I needed.  It was my love language, quality time.  Regardless, he was a commitophobe, and that didn't work out in the long run.

After watching that episode of How I Met Your Mother, I started to wonder if I was the settler or the reacher in the relationship.  I think at this point; I don't think I'm either.  I think both the Comedian and I bring great qualities to the table.  I guess I'll let you be the judge.

The Truth to Matchmaking

It seems every time I meet a guy friend of The Comedian's, I get asked, do I have any single girlfriends.  The answer is, yes, I do.  Whether I feel they are an appropriate match for that person is a biased opinion. Hooking people up or matchmaking is a science.  You can't just hook two people up all willy nilly.  The Comedian believes I have a sickness because I'm always trying to hook people up.  Yes, I do think if there's an opportunity, I will jump on it and try to get two people together.  I love LOVE and I want people to be in love like I am.  It's just not that simple.  After I have made the grave error of trying to put two people together, I realize that they are not ready for a relationship or they simply don't want one.

I was having a conversation with a friend of mine the other day.  We were talking about matchmaking.  I had come across a friend who is a great catch.  Granted, he doesn't live in Florida. What I didn't express to her was that he was in no position to be in a relationship.  He simply didn't want one.  Rather than pushing some romanticized idea down a man's throat, I would rather leave him alone until he's ready and willing to make the jump.  A couple of instances I was fortunate in matchmaking, both the guy and girl were looking for relationships.  One example, in particular, I met this guy when I was single who's personality did not mesh with mine romantically.  He explained to me what he was looking for in a relationship.  A light bulb went off because I knew someone who fit his criteria to a "T."  I strategically brought him to a place I knew she would be and five years later, they are still together.

Another caveat is some people want relationships without being ready for one.  There's something to be said about doing the work on yourself before entering into a committed relationship with someone who is mentally stable.  I always tell people,

You can't be happy with someone else if you are not happy with yourself.

I worked a lot on myself before going into a relationship.  There were a lot of frogs I had to kiss before I found my prince charming.  What I find interesting about them is that many of them are still single.  I think what drove me the craziest in my single life was the lack of consideration a man would have for my time.  If you make plans, either stick to them or cancel them.  Sigh... some guys are just cowards.

Anyhow, I see some of my girlfriends struggle with dating.  I get it.  It's tough out there, however, if you're confident, love yourself, and recognize that when someone likes you that you respect their feelings, then you are ready for love.  I also say,

You have to be the person you want to be in a relationship before you are in a relationship.

If you think it's totally acceptable to go out with your girls three times a week, that's fine.  But think of how someone you might be interested in would perceive that imagery.  If you're looking for someone to party with, then you might be doing right by you.  A real man is looking for someone he can enjoy his life with.  He doesn't want to fight over petty things or worries that you might dive into a deep depression because he forgot this was the anniversary of your first kiss.

Matchmaking is not a simple hook up, at least it isn't for me.  Real love deserves thought.

Is the Perfect Man Out There?

Recently, the Comedian went on a radio show (shout out to Central Florida Live).  Of course, I was intently listening in on the broadcast as any proud girlfriend should.  Towards the end of the program, they brought up something very interesting.  Are women's standards way too high?  Now, I started to think, are women's standards too high, like for real? Naturally, I called in because this was my forte, this was my topic... dating.  It was funny because the conversation between the Comedian and I was natural.  He asked me, "Babe, what is that thing you always say?"

I replied, "He may not be perfect but he's perfect for me."

That's really the point.  Everyone has a different favorite flavor of ice cream.  We all get caught up in what might be "good on paper".  A guy might have all of the qualities you were looking for but if your personalities don't click, then what's the point.  Being picky is okay as long as you are willing to give up a thing or two if you really want to find love.

I think I talk about this woman all of the time, Patti Stanger.  In her book, Become Your Own Matchmaker, she talks about your 5 non-negotiables.  Like 5 things you cannot live without in a significant other.  This might take a little soul searching to figure out which 5 are it.  I would suggest writing out a list of things you want in your significant other then cut the list down until you have your 5 left.  I know this is hard... just take a pen and paper, a deep breath, and do it.

I'll give you my 5 non-negotiables and let me know how the Comedian fits.  (trust me... it's uncanny)

1. MUST BE ABLE TO TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF FINANCIALLY
2. MUST NOT BE SHY
3. MUST BE FAMILY ORIENTED
4. MUST BE WELL GROOMED
5. MUST WANT TO TRY NEW THINGS

I know... weird right?  It's pretty spot on if you ask me.  Someone once told me while I was searching for a job that you have to know what job you're looking for in order to get the one that fits.  Why should it not be the same to find the "Perfect Man"?

I am a huge advocate for narrowing down your interests so that you're not just dating to date.  Trust me, I've been there, done that.  And also, prayer does go a long way.  As they say, it does happen when you least expect it.  As many times as I didn't want to believe it, that cliche is true.

You are allowed to be picky but be picky in a way that it fits and let some things go. Not every man is going to remember to put the toilet seat down or bring you flowers every day of the week but find what fits what you need.  I needed to laugh for the rest of my life and that's exactly what I got.

6 Points on Love in the Beginning...

I've been doing some reading today and it sparked some thoughts in regards to my life and relationships.  I have had ups and downs but all that had made me realize is that life is precious.  There are some points I wanted to address when it comes to starting a new relationship.  I found throughout my blogs, there were common themes.  Below, I discuss what I’ve learned prior to my relationship and during.  There is more to come as I learn about myself… 1.  Love will come when you least expect it

I can honestly say that this is very true.  When I look back on my relationships, all of them came in a time where I wasn’t looking for a relationship.  The times I did try to pursue someone, it always ended where I started questioning myself.  More than often enough, those were times where that person wasn’t as in to me as I was into them.  Currently, I couldn’t be happier and trust me, the person I am with is the last person on earth I expected to contact me.  However, I am so grateful that he did.  Sometimes we leave marks on people’s hearts and lives.  Those who realize those marks are the ones who treasure them more than anyone.

2.  Be Patient

One thing I learned prior to my current relationship was to be patient.  I had been struggling with abandonment issues for a fairly long time.  Granted, almost any girl freaks out when the guy she likes doesn’t respond right away, even if he’s just taking a nap.  It’s the unknown that is the scary part.  Some ladies hide it better than others.  I learned to internalize a lot of my neurosis, then analyze them after the fact.  Regardless, men can sense when you are really insecure. Figuring out your reasons for reacting the way you do is very important your own personal growth.

3.  Stay busy

One thing that helps with the impatience I was trying to internalize was staying busy.  I am blessed with amazing friends.  Also, I found a hobby in writing.  There is nothing better to do with your time than build relationships that will last a long time.  I find it true that in the beginning of the relationship, you have to keep your ground and still remain the same or similar to the person you truly are.  Many of us become sucked into the other person and want to spend every waking moment with them.  In time, you will get comfortable with your significant other, then have to find yourself again.  By maintaining your hobbies and relationships, you are more likely to still be you.

There will be a time where you start getting into the groove of your relationship.  When this starts to occur (my current state), you will find that it will be super easy to integrate your loved one into your life as well as you into his.  It is really about communication and wanting to work in a partnership.

4.  Men are simple

I have mentioned this point in blogs before.  Men are simple.  When they like you, they like you.  When they don’t or they want you for another purpose, they start acting strange and do things that freak you out.  Honesty and trust are priority in a relationship.  If you can’t trust the person you’re with, then what’s the point?  One of you ends up going crazy because they are always questioning the other person.  I personally don’t believe in invading someone else’s privacy by going through their phone, tablet, or computer.  If they have something to hide, they’ll hide it.

On that note, I cannot stress the importance of a woman’s intuition.  You know deep down inside when something is wrong.  Don’t deny it, cover it with excuses, or anything.  Confront it.  There is a difference between insecurity and intuition.  One is emotionally driven and the other is instinct.

5.  Do not try to change the man; if you’re making excuses for him then maybe he’s not right for you.

I’ve been in relationships where I am engulfed in the person I think the other should be but at the end of the day, they aren’t.  If you’re looking for a long term relationship, this is someone you intend on being with until your last days.  Change can only come from within.  Only you can control your own actions and who you are as a person.  I have a few guy friends who continue to date the same kinds of girls and yet, they keep getting burned.  This goes both ways.  Excuse my language but you can’t be Captain Save a Hoe.  Someone who doesn’t have their stuff together won’t magically get it together because you’re in their lives.  It is important that you realize you are with someone who makes you a better version of you, not bring you down.

There are obviously exceptions to the rule, you know urban myths where someone’s friend of a friend changed their husband and now they live happily ever after.  Remember, those are exceptions, not the rule.  I would recommend watching the movie He’s Just Not That Into You, it holds a lot of truth.  It’s one of my favorites when it comes to debunking dating myths.

6.  Your partner should be your best friend

Last, but not least, your significant other should be someone you can be yourself with.  They should be the one you trust with your deepest darkest secrets.  They should be someone you grow with.  There are some things you won’t share, like the latest on your favorite reality show or the intimate details of your best friend’s labor story.  It is one thing I have learned in my current relationship.  There are just some things he doesn’t care for, like how I might cut my finger nails from left to right or that I always forget passwords.  I have the tendency to over explain myself.  All in all, The Comedian always makes me laugh in even the most strenuous of circumstances but yet he is there when I need a shoulder to cry on.

I can honestly say, I am truly happy with my current circumstance.  My point here is not to tell you what to do but my advice when it comes to entering a relationship from my own personal experience.  All relationships are different but remember you are the only one in charge of your own happiness.  If you’re not happy with yourself, you can’t be happy with anyone else.

Men can be so selfish!

This is a rant out of frustration.  I was told men can't help being selfish because of their testosterone.  To be a woman, you have to be mysterious, play hard to get, ladylike, whatever society wants you to be.  It is so tiring because in essence, you are trying to win a man's heart by playing this role.  Because they are so involved with their lives, they don't even take into consideration what your feelings might be at that moment.  This is when you play hard to get so they want to spend time with you because they can't have you.  It's ridiculous.  You are competing with their families and friends who play a higher precedence in their life regardless of how they feel about you.  I can't necessarily complain but all I ask is be honest.  If you're doing something with your family and/or friends then tell me.  If you're interested in getting to know me, make me feel important so that I don't feel that I may need to stray away. Yes, my friends are important but I also know that I need to make time for things that I want.  If you want something you will make the sacrifices for whatever you want to achieve.  I just can't stand those who hide information just so they don't hurt someone.  Let me tell you... the secret is out.  If you're online dating and changing your default picture almost every day then you disappear, that means you're on a date with someone else.  Stop leading people on!

Every woman has their worth.  A good woman deserves to get treated with more respect.  Keep your one eyed monsters in check!

Online Dating does not equal Relationship

This is more of a gripe than advice on how to date online.  I'm not sure if I've ever shared my first online dating experience.  When I was in my senior year of high school, my prom date kind of told me at the last minute that he wasn't able to go.  After many hours of sobbing, I went on AOL and went into a chat room.  I met someone who came to my rescue and less than two weeks later he was my date to the prom.  Needless to say, that relationship never went anywhere but I digress... Since then, I have not be very successful in cultivating a relationship out of meeting someone online.  I believe I have one ex boyfriend I met on MySpace but he was a friend of a friend, so I don't think that really counts.  Almost 2 years after my last significant relationship, I've found this breed of men who go onto paid online dating sites who are not really ready to get into something serious whether it be because they just got out of relationships or they are just way too busy.  They either think they are ready but don't realize the time and effort it takes to be in a relationship or they are just trying to get their feet wet.

I ask, if you're not ready for a relationship, do not advertise yourself falsely on a paid dating website!  Go on one that is not paid, at least I don't have to take you seriously.  I'm not saying one can't find Ms/Mr Right on a non paying dating site and if you do, mazel tov! Those unpaid sites are full of people just looking for something on the side.

I am only talking about this because you will end up hurting someone.  Giving false hope to a girl who is looking for romance is not something that will help your karma.  Be honest with yourself from the beginning.  Every action has a reaction.

Mr. Right vs Mr. Right Now

What is the real difference between Mr. Right and Mr. Right Now? I have come across many Mr. Right Nows. They are absolutely great for the time being but are they great for much longer? They are supposed to be some sort of life experience which would lead you to Mr. Right, but if you're like me, life is full of tons of Mr. Right Nows. Mr. Right Nows say the right thing, most of the time they seem like they are the man of your dreams, but you are making a sacrifice in what you really want in a Mr. Right just not to be alone. Also, there are different levels of Mr. Right Now, there are the ones you just hang on to so you won't go to a movie alone, and there are those which you attempt a short-term relationship with, but it never seems to work out because they aren't Mr. Right.

I like to think the romantic part of me is looking for Mr. Right. But in the meantime, Mr. Right Now is kind of fun.

Love in Fairytale Land

I believe I am a product of my generation.  Currently, I am 27 years old and single.  I was engaged once because my biological clock got the best of me.  I wanted to settle down, but I was settling. I have literally been in almost every dating situation one can think of.  I want to share my story with those who might need a pick me up or one who wants to know they are not alone in the world of dating.  It is definitely very intimidating out there.