Secrets to Making a Breakup Be the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You

When we talk about breakups, we don’t talk about how positive they can be, we focus on how horrible they are. I was in a relationship for almost nine years, and when that ended, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. So, if you’re reading this and you are pre-breakup, mid-breakup, or even post and trying to move on, start with changing your thoughts about break up. It is positive, it’s change, it’s a new beginning, and most importantly, it’s a new you. Getting your heart broken is the way to start over and make a life you will never need a vacation from and will never need to break up with. It’s so easy to say this, so I have made a list of things that helped me move on and get to that positive place. Here they are…

Cry, scream, and be all the emotions

What I mean by this is feel all the emotions. You can’t move on if you push things down and never address them. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time. It’s gonna be a bumpy road, emotions will come and go, but this will be the best thing to ever happen to you and one day you will wake up, and the shadow will be gone, and you will be happy again. I know you’re asking the biggest question just like when Carrie got her heart broken by Mr. Big for the millionth time.

You know, Carrie from Sex in the City, asked “When will I laugh again?” Miranda responded “When something is really funny.”

That’s how being happy will be one day, it will just click. Until then move on to the rest of this post.

Make a list of all the things that annoyed you

Get specific about the guy and the relationship. This is a great list to have on your phone so when you feel like texting him, or you hear a song you both loved you can read the list and remember why you broke up. When the time comes, and you’re with someone new it’s an excellent way to compare the new guy with the old and make sure they are nothing alike. Who wants to make the same mistake twice? Am I right?

Make a list of all the things you love about yourself and your life

Self-worth is the most important thing anyone can change. If you don’t like you, then who will? This list can be hard in the beginning, try to be very specific and keep adding to the list and read over this list every time you’re sad or not feeling like you are enough. Everyone has good qualities and has talents, appreciate yours. One of my favorite quotes by an unknown author is

“You are YOU and that is your power.”

Embrace your power and embrace your uniqueness. Which leads me to the next point.

Change your self-talk

A world of disappoints will turn into a reality of winning. Words are important, they all have meaning and truth. How is it the nicest people often treat themselves the worst? I came to find that I was quite rude to myself. So take the negative challenge, and I replace I can’t, I won’t, I’m sorry and no; I replaced it with yes, thank you, I can and I will.  It makes a world of difference. One of my favorite movies is Alice in Wonderland, and it’s because she tries to do six impossible things before breakfast. And with a mindset like that the world is yours. Be nice to yourself and say nice things. If you need some motivation or an example of affirmations, click here. You will not be disappointed.

Start working out

Even if it’s just a walk with your dog every day or starting a new class at the gym, get out and get your body moving.  There are so many studies that state walking is good for your brain. There is a form of therapy called EMDR, and it focuses on changing your thoughts and memories while using both sides of your brain. It’s an incredible form of therapy because you are not talking your way through your problems and getting obsessed. You never tell your therapist what it’s about and you work through your thoughts and memories replaces them with less dramatic more positive feelings. I recommend it to anyone wanting to heal from any past traumas.

Try new things and meet new people

Have you always wanted to take an art class? Or learn how to dance? When you are at work what do you wish you could be doing? When getting home, DO IT! Scared to do something is the best sign that you need to do that very thing, so DO IT. When I was moving on from my past life, I chose always to say yes. My world had gotten so limited like the relationship I was in.  When you get scared to take that as a personal challenge to do it. Always say yes. You will be surprised at the things you can accomplish and the people you will meet along the way.

Go on vacation

traveling is the best thing for a broken heart. We forget that life is more than the bubble we live in. It’s a huge world and it will bring things into perspective plus you have so many memories to bury the past with which in the end will help you to move on.

Read self-help books and listen to positive podcasts

I know it’s cheesy but there is good stuff in others experience and advice. Heck, you wouldn’t be reading this post if you didn’t want to change yourself so get obsessed with being better, feeling better. Even trying to better yourself can help you feel better. So get to it, I love The Motivational High Five but find what works for you.

Re-establish friendships with friends and family.

Bad relationships lead to breakups which then have unfortunately put our loved ones as collateral damage. Re-establish those friendships and like I said before don’t be scared to make new ones.

Create goals

Are you happy with your job? No? Change it. Do you hate where you live? Yes? Move. You only have one life to live to get living it instead of surviving it. You don’t like something change it. And keep changing it till you love it.

And finally, upgrade on that relationship

This breakup will be the hardest thing ever do but the best choice you’ve ever made. there is someone out there that will make you look back at the relationship you just left and you will think how crazy you were to ever be so upset it ended. Find someone better, that fits you better, communicates better and has a similar love language as you.  We don’t look hard enough to find the people that will suit us best and possibly be our soul mates. So look because I can tell you by experience when you find them you will be happy. Life will be so easy and you will look back at your past relationships and laugh that you ever thought that was love. Don’t settle, your fairy tale does exist.

Thank you for tuning into my post on Val’s Bytes, check out more post’s at ANYTHINGGIRLY.com

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Commitaphobes vs. Monogamers: How the Runner Fell in Love with the Stayer

A good friend of mine—“Los” (short for Carlos)—and I have had countless conversations about the two very real types of people you meet in the dating world: commitaphobes and monogamers.

I'll admit it. For a long time, I was a full-blown commitaphobe. There was a moment when I was literally on the verge of marriage and all I could think was: how far can I run before he catches on? I’d date just long enough to enjoy the thrill but not long enough to be vulnerable. For me, leaving was safer than the risk of being left.

Turns out, abandonment issues have a funny way of shaping your love life.

Then I met “The Comedian.”

And wouldn’t you know it? He was a textbook monogamer. What’s a monogamer, you ask? It’s someone who’s pretty much always in a relationship. My younger sister is one too—rarely single, always in love, thriving in companionship. Same with my fiancé. He loves being in love.

When I met him, I couldn’t help but wonder: What makes me different from the others? Was I just another long-term situation waiting to fizzle?

I knew I had to be honest from day one. I told him straight up: I’m not dating for the sake of dating. I only do real. And surprisingly… so did he. We had this magnetic pull—maybe it was chemistry, maybe it was divine timing, maybe it was the law of attraction finally giving me what I’d been asking for.

Whatever it was, it changed me.

There was a shift inside me when I met The Comedian. I knew it would take someone truly special for me to finally stay. He’s my Mr. Big. (My ex? Total Aidan. Too nice. Too stable. Too easy to run from.)

relationships, love, dating, the comedian

Over the years, I’ve encountered both monogamers and commitaphobes—and yeah, I’ll admit it: I kind of loved the chase. The guys who were hard to get? That was my jam. The ones who made it too easy? Yawn. I’d bolt the other way. Something about the drama, the tension, the unhealthy challenge (lol)—I was hooked.

Looking back, it was all part of my very own Sex and the City love story. Carrie Bradshaw said it best:

“I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.”

the comedian, corks

And somehow, a monogamer and a commitaphobe made it work. He brings out the best in me, and I’m learning—slowly, beautifully—how to be vulnerable. He loves me for my heart, and I love him for helping me grow into someone I didn’t think I could be.

If you’re out there searching for love, maybe you’re a runner too. Maybe you’re waiting for someone to convince you to stay. Or maybe, just maybe, you’ll find your version of Mr. Big who makes you stop running and start trusting.

I know I did.

Why Do Women Need Control?

A few weeks ago, I was on a radio show when one of the hosts said something that struck a nerve: she always pays for dinner—even on the first date.

Now, I didn’t agree with her, but I stayed quiet. It wasn’t my moment. Still, I’ve been sitting with that comment ever since.

What drives a woman to insist on control—even in something as small as picking up the check? Maybe it’s past hurt. Maybe a man once took advantage of her, or maybe she was raised to believe that relying on someone else makes you weak. Maybe it’s a way of saying, “I got this. I don’t need anyone.”

But here’s the thing: love requires vulnerability. It asks us to let go—to soften—and that’s scary. There’s no guarantee you won’t get hurt. But ask yourself this:

“Is it better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?”

That’s for you to decide. Personally, I want to love. Fully. Fiercely. Unapologetically.
Like Carrie Bradshaw once said:

"I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love."

I’m not here to shame women for being powerful. I am one. I admire ambition, strength, and drive. But there’s something equally powerful—and beautiful—in femininity. Why are we so quick to erase it?

This weekend at a conference, a body language expert said something that stayed with me:

“A woman’s greatest strength is her warmth.” – Susan Constantine, MPsy

Yes, the business world can be brutal. Yes, we fight for our place at the table. But when we step away from the boardroom, why do we feel like we have to wear the same armor in our relationships?

Let’s be real. There is a magic in melting into someone’s arms. There’s power in letting go—in trusting someone enough to lead for a moment. If you’ve never experienced passionate, consuming, raw, melt-the-sheets intimacy… maybe it’s because you’ve never surrendered enough to let it happen.

That’s not weakness. That’s power with softness. And it’s a balance we rarely talk about.

In all the books I’ve read about love—The 5 Love Languages, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, you name it—there’s a common thread: relationships thrive when we honor our roles. Men are wired to protect and provide. Women are built to nurture and connect. There’s beauty in that balance.

So if a man offers to pay, to open a door, to compliment you—let him. He’s not trying to strip your power. He’s doing what he was raised to do. If he’s a decent man (and not a complete douche), he’s not trying to dominate you—he’s trying to care for you.

We don’t lose ourselves by allowing that.
We are women. We multitask like queens, carry emotional loads heavier than most, and literally have the power to grow life inside us. That’s strength.

You don’t need to control everything to be powerful. And just because you don’t need a man doesn’t mean you shouldn’t let one feel needed.

So let him. Why take that away?

6 Points of Love in the Beginning

dinner-date

I’ve been doing some reading today and it sparked a few thoughts about love and relationships. I’ve had my fair share of ups and downs, but through it all, I’ve realized how precious life—and love—really is. Below are six lessons I’ve picked up along the way, both before and during my current relationship. Themes I’ve revisited in past blogs, but somehow they still feel just as fresh.

1. Love Comes When You Least Expect It

This one is so real. Every relationship I’ve had showed up when I wasn’t even looking. And when I did try to chase it down, it usually ended in me questioning my own worth. The love I’m in now? Completely unexpected—and completely right. It’s funny how sometimes you leave an imprint on someone’s heart and they circle back when they realize how special that was.

2. Be Patient

I’ve wrestled with abandonment issues for a long time. The anxiety of waiting on a reply or wondering where someone is used to eat me up. Like many women, I overanalyzed and panicked—even when the guy was just taking a nap. With time, I learned to sit with those feelings, understand them, and not let them take over. Insecurity is loud. But confidence in your own growth? That’s peace.

3. Stay Busy

I can’t say this enough—don’t lose yourself in someone else. Keep your life full. Nurture your friendships. Pick up a hobby (writing’s been mine). In the early days of a relationship, it's so easy to fall into "let’s spend every second together" mode. But if you keep doing you, it makes integrating your partner into your life that much smoother—and healthier.

4. Men Are Simple

Seriously. When they like you, they’ll show it. When they don’t, they act weird and confusing. Trust and honesty are non-negotiables. If you can’t trust him, what’s the point? And yes, a woman’s intuition is everything. Don’t confuse insecurity with instinct—there’s a difference. One is rooted in fear, the other in truth.

5. Don’t Try to Change Him

Let me repeat that: you cannot change him. If you find yourself making excuses or constantly explaining away bad behavior, that’s your sign. I’ve seen it play out too many times with friends (and in my own life). You want someone who helps you grow, not someone who keeps you stuck. You can’t fix broken—especially if it’s not your job to fix it in the first place.

6. Your Partner Should Be Your Best Friend

You should be able to be your weird, wonderful self around them. The Comedian makes me laugh even in the hardest moments, and he’s also there when I need to fall apart a little. We don’t share everything (I mean, he doesn’t need the play-by-play of my favorite reality show), but he’s my safe space—and that means everything.

At the end of the day, every relationship is different. But here’s what I know for sure: you’re the only one responsible for your happiness. If you’re not happy with yourself, no one else can fill that gap. So love yourself first—and let the rest follow.