5 Signs You're in a Bad Relationship

Are you dating a narcissist? Master Manipulator? Emotional Terrorist? Here are some signs that you are in a bad relationship. I was told these signs a million times by people over the past years, and I pushed them back saying “he isn’t abusive things aren’t that bad, he doesn’t hit me.” If you find that you are doing this and minimizing the abuse maybe you need to take a step back and honestly evaluate your relationship. So here is a list of 4 things to watch out for and can show you that maybe it’s time to move on from this relationship.

1.  He Controls everything.

And it starts with your activities together it’s with his friends, his hobbies, and it’s all in his time; the activities you want to do never seem to work out. He isolates you from your family; you don’t see them as often as you did. Soon you start making up excuses to the people you love on why you never see them and why he never comes to you. He sabotages your friendships making you think that you choose to get rid of your friends.  Then control goes on steroids, and you start working from home, you no longer have a car, and when you leave the house, he is texting and calling wondering who you are with and how long you will be.  Soon he controls the money, and you no longer have your own, even though you work for it. Now don’t get me started with the sex because that’s going to be controlled too. It will be his choice on his time and his way. You will be left unsatisfied and unfulfilled with life and the relationship and when you complain he will make you feel like everything wrong in the relationship is your fault. Like I said before he is in control of everything, so he is going to control the blame.  This is manipulation at its finest, and it will make you think you are crazy. Take a second and stay grounded; it takes two to tango so don’t think the bad relationship is all your fault.

2.  History of past Abuse.

How does your partner talk about his ex’s? Does he refer to them as crazy? When he talks about who he dated, did it end badly with each one?  You better think twice about being with someone that talks that way. There is a common denominator, and I don’t think it’s that he only finds crazy women to date. A strong, grounded, mature person doesn’t have to label someone as something to protect their ego. A man that has integrity can date remain friendly after it’s over. Listen to the ghosts of his past, they are telling you exactly who he is, and someone like this doesn’t find crazies he creates crazies.

3.  The giving and taking are not the same.

In a bad relationship, there will always be one person that is the taker and the other the giver. That’s how you have been able to stay with him so long but also the reason that you’re feeling drained. You’re giving everything and doing everything, and he will give you enough to keep you around.

4.  The game of emotional abuse: belittling and stonewalling.

Does he tell you things that are physically wrong with your body? Does he always fail to celebrate your successes? Does he stand up for you with friends or family? Does he call you his doormat? Then when you get upset (because these are all hurtful things), he then ignores you till you apologize for getting angry? This is all in the plan because if you think you aren’t enough for him, you get so low that you get to thinking you can’t live without him. You will bend over backward doing anything he wants to keep him around. No one deserves to be a doormat, close that door immediately and open another that will lift up the doormat, dust it off and treat you like the amazing woman you are.

5.  Cycle of abuse

Another reason you stay because when it is good, it’s SO GOOD. I remember crying after my ex, and I bought a house together, and we saged it and talked about all the positive things that were going to happen in the house. Well for once we did an activity I wanted to do.  And it was fun, happy, and he was all in and paying 100% attention to me. The high of things going well never lasts. Eventually, the honeymoon stage is over, and the cycle begins again. He will belittle, Stonewall or flat out choose anything or anyone over you; you then get upset and then you’re called crazy. Meanwhile, you think it’s your fault and stay because you  THINK you can learn not to be crazy. But in reality, you aren’t crazy, and anyone that gets belittled, stonewalled and flat out chosen last would be upset. You are Normal; You will find a reasonable person to love, and you will be fulfilled and completely healthy.

So if you can relate to this list and you think your relationship is very similar, Please Go! You’re beautiful, smart, strong, and even though you have been conditioned to think otherwise and even though it will be the hardest thing you have ever done; do it. He will never change, and you will stay unfulfilled and drained. You can have a best friend as a partner, someone that’s excited to see you. I remained in an abusive relationship for almost ten years, in the end after I changed my bad habits and worked on myself and came to find it still was not working because he didn’t want it too. I tried to leave three times before I did. It was the hardest thing I ever did. Now that it’s all over and I’ve been with an amazing man I have the relationship that mirrors my parents. I am so glad I did it. It took a long time to get here, and I’m so proud to be where I am and be who I am. We are both in love with each other and will do anything to make sure each other are happy. I didn’t think this existed, and I didn’t think a relationship could be natural, and it is.

Thanks for coming to the party today, I’m sorry it feels like such a downer, but it does end well. This story has ended happily ever after for me, and I hope this post helps change someone’s nightmare into a fairytale. Life is too short, and we only regret the things we never did. You won’t regret living a more fulfilled life and leaving the draining relationship. Let me know if you liked the post or it helped you in some way by commenting and sharing.

XOXO

10 Ways You Know You're in a Good Relationship

As you all know I am a relationship know-it-all, I can look at any couple and tell you how long they will last. If you believe this statement, then you are a fool. I am no expert, but I have had my heart broken and stepped on like the doormat. But I learn from my mistakes I can tell some definite signs that you are in a good relationship and since I'm in one, I can live to tell the tell. Here they are...

1. You are physically and mentally healthier.

   I have always struggled with my weight and my analytical mind. I have come to find that this amazing, handsome specimen calms my fears and pumps me up. I am in the best shape of my life and have a healthier, mind, body and soul.

2. No more "I can't" or "I won't."

   It hit me one day that I have to get to know myself again; I am no longer living in a bubble scared to go outside. I am in a relationship that has expanded my horizons.  In the past, I thought I was too dumb to do some of  the things that I am doing now. It's an amazing feeling to have someone that runs with you instead of holding you back. When you're with someone that speaks positively about you and to you, it helps change yourself talk to be more positive. The world unlocks itself when you take I can't, or I won't get out of your vocabulary.

3. Your goals are getting achieved.

   Firstly my goals are a lot higher or harder to reach, and I achieve them. I am with someone that is a go-getter, and he helps me with my goals, and we even have goals as a couple. We have a life that we are working towards achieving and it’s a great feeling to have someone that is growing with you.

4. Life is easier.

   I use to get so frustrated with things not working out, I've come to find that my man makes me laugh at these moments. He sees me for the imperfect person I am, and I don't feel stupid or ashamed; I feel heard and understood. Life gets a lot easier when you're laughing through the mistakes and failures as well as the good times.

5. The giving and the taking feels natural and equal.

   There might be days where I don't do as much around the house, and my man does the dishes and wipes the counters. We are are not counting who did what, we are picking up where the other left off; we are a team.

6. Less fighting more laughing.

   We hardly fight, I think we can we have fought once. I'm not saying that your relationship isn't good because you fight. We have been through some pretty stressful situations, and somehow we don't fight, it's just us. When one of us is upset or says something or does something snappy we call each other out on it and the person apologizing, and we move forward. It's not about the lack of fighting but about how you move forward when you do.

7. Honesty is the best policy.

   We always tell each other the truth, the brutal truth which sometimes means like I said in number 6 that you get called out. It might sting a little, but I would rather have a partner that helps me grow and be better than someone that keeps me stagnant just to save my feelings.

8. No secrets.

   You keep one secret from your partner and the secrets turn into the book of secrets, and soon it's what's keeping you from being honest with your partner. We made a rule always to tell the truth and say it as nicely as you can. Some things should only be between you and your partner and when you have that be sacred your relationship will follow. I will not let anyone or anything come in the way of my partner and me; he is the most important being. His secrets are my secrets, and that's what has brought us closer together.

9. Hours of talking and the honeymoon stage has ended.

   My man and I miss some important moments in our lives because we are too busy talking. We missed the Eiffel Tower lit up at night because we were chatty Kathy's in the hotel room. We are always late to meet friends because caught up in some conversation. We have been dating two years soon, and we still talk like we have just met. We talk about everything under the sun, and it's weird because we are with each other 24/7 together.  It also makes talking about hard things easier; we talk to understand not to respond.

10. Never stop choosing your partner first.

    I think this is the most important thing; your relationship will never work out if you don't put your partner first. I have had to tell myself "This person is my family and no one else matters." you start choosing your hobby or friends over the person and you might as well just wave your relationship goodbye. I'm not saying you can't see your friends, but everything comes in balance.

I hope your relationship is as good as mine and I'd love to keep adding to this list so comment below on what you think makes a good relationship.

Follow me on Facebook at Heidi Mae Searle

And Instagram @heidimaesearle

XOXO

Online Dating - You're Doing It Wrong

Smartphones and apps have opened the floodgates of free online dating. And why not? You can meet lots of interesting people online - more than you'll meet in a loud, smoky bar. You can filter them to make sure their age, appearance, background, and interests are compatible with yours. And it's fun. Research firm GlobalWebIndex reported in 2015 that 91 million people are using apps like Tinder. Why not? Tinder has millions and millions of users. Surely the person you're looking for has an account.

NEEDLE, MEET HAYSTACK

Maybe so. But Tinder's strength - that it is so widely used - is also its weakness. You're not looking to date millions of people. You're looking to find a particular someone.

General-purpose apps and dating websites try to convince you that having lots of members is a benefit. But in most cases, such sites are a waste of time. (That's one reason their customer ratings are so low.)

Suppose you’re interested solely in guys with beards. Or maybe someone who shares your religious background. A general-purpose dating app may let you set filters so you see only members who match your criteria.

But that doesn’t mean you’ll find lots of them. Like you, people in niche categories find general-interest dating sites and apps frustrating, inefficient, and boring. So you don’t find them there.

A MATTER OF FOCUS

Luckily, savvy website operators have created specialized dating sites for people with particular interests. You can now find a website to help you connect with guys with beards, or fellow Catholics, or big beautiful women, or guys with children, or women with tattoos, or married people interested in discreet relationships, or...well, you name it!

A niche dating site is more efficient because you don't have to wade through the profiles of lots of people who don't match your interests. Better yet, such a site is a community of people who share your attraction. You'll enjoy a real sense of community at a niche site. You can pick up useful online dating tips, chat with like-minded singles, and compare experiences.

A niche site attracts precisely the people you are looking for. And because it rewards their searches with qualified potential partners, they stay active. They tell their friends. The site becomes more and more useful over time.

Best of all, you can be sure that you'll find just the kind of dating partner you're looking for.

Let other singles waste their time swiping left and swiping right on Tinder. You're better off with a niche dating website where you can meet exactly who you're looking for.

Contributed by Dating VIP

What to Expect When... Getting Married

First and foremost, I have a couple of announcements.  The podcast is coming back!  After a year and a half in hibernation, I knew it was time to bring it back.  But this time, there will be a new format and a cohost.  I am super excited because we recorded some of the shows today and the banter is just fantastic.  Look out for the first episode this week. The other day, the comedian and I were talking about preparation for marriage.  When you buy a car or have a baby, some people take the time to do their research before finalizing on a decision.  Why don't we do that when we decide to get married?  I lucked out in the sense that the Comedian was extremely adamant about building a foundation before making any serious moves, like getting married or having children.  You can't fix a relationship that's already broken.

There are some people out there that believe a child can put a band-aid on a serious problem or that sex is the solution to avoiding a relationship.  It's kind of like alcoholism.  The problems just don't disappear because your mind is somewhere else.  They will be there when you get back.  I had a good friend of mine was going through a divorce and decided to move across the country from Orlando to LA in hopes that a change of scenery would bring him back to his usual self.  Unfortunately, it didn't.  He went into a little bit of a depression and decided to move back.  In reality, his support system was here in Orlando.  The people around him nursed him back to himself, and he was able to date again.

I'm not saying our system is perfect, but we can both say we know the other person well.  The Comedian promises he has more romantic gestures up his sleeves and those are the kinds of surprises I like.  There is a reason the court in Florida gives you a discount on your marriage certificate when you take a course before getting hitched.  Marriage is supposed to be forever.  That's what we all say in our vows.  Take the time to read some books together or try one of those "get to know you" questionnaires they have on Pinterest.  I've done a few of those with the Comedian early in our relationship.  I'll even add a link to a few for good measure.

Many of us women have this dream of finally being loved by our prince charming.  I know it's easier said than done but take the time out to get to know your prince before he becomes your King.  He could very well be a frog.

Here are some books to read together and links to those questionnaires I promised.

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts

Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married

100 Random Questions to Ask Your Boyfriend

40 Personal Questions to Ask Your boyfriend

13 Questions to Ask Before Getting Married

5 Ways to Boost your Confidence

Being a strong woman in a world full of people ready and willing to push you down can really take a toll on your confidence.  I literally just finished reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert after much procrastination and watching the movie 500 times.  I was inspired by her story, especially her trip to India that led her to regain her confidence.  It is important to remember that we are beautiful, sassy, smart, innovative, movers and shakers of our environment.  But there is that one day that you are feeling just a bit down.  Here are some ideas to pick you up when you're not feeling top-notch.

Dress the way you want to feel

It is amazing what clothes can do to our self-esteem.  Have you ever looked in the mirror and said to yourself, "Damn, I look good"?  Ladies, you can sincerely feel like this all the time.  You know how the saying goes;

"Dress for the job you want"

The same goes for your mood.  Dress for the mood you want to have.  If you want to feel sexy, slip on that thong you know makes you feel like you are being a little naughty and it will exude on the outside and if you want to feel like you can take over the world, put on a power suit.

Drop the negativity

It's sometimes hard to see when people are bringing you down, especially when you're a women.  We all get caught up in the drama and gossip in the world around us.  It's so easy to just get sucked in.  I mean that's why reality TV is so addicting.  We love to revel in someone else's life when its worse than ours.  Well, snap out of it!

I know it can be difficult to get rid of friends who might be bringing us down as well but you have to remember that friends sometimes come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.  If the reason is up and they are bringing you down, it's time to move on.  Exuding confidence is all about YOU, not the other person.  Trust me, I am guilty of being a people pleaser but I know when to drop my losses.  Walk away from the negative talk and get yourself back in stride.

Talk to yourself

That's right, I said it.  Look in the mirror and talk to yourself.  Find a mantra that works for you like, "I am beautiful, no one today is going to bring me down" or "I am going to take over the world".  Whatever it may be, make sure its a positive, reassuring mantra that you are going to say to yourself.  The most important thing about this routine is that you have to do it daily and you have to believe it.  If you don't believe it, repeat it again until you do. Positive self-talk is so powerful

Hit the gym

You don't necessarily have to go to the gym but work out.  Do something.  Get off the couch and get moving.  WebMD says that working out releases endorphins which basically means it releases a chemical that makes us happy.  The same chemical that makes us smile when we hear a baby laugh.  Not only that, but after working out for a little while, you'll feel better about your body, you'll have more energy, and most importantly, you'll be more confident.

Surround yourself with positive people

I recently heard from someone you should surround yourself with people who are smarter than you.  I have always been a strong believer in having friends and significant others who bring you up and not bring you down.  I have been blessed with a great set of friends and every time we're together, it just reassures me and reminds me of how awesome they are smart, beautiful, positive women with the most amazing hearts.  It did take a while to get the negative people out of my life and it was worth it.  Find a mentor, surround yourself with amazing people, and your confidence will be the last thing you worry about.

Keep in mind these are just tips.  If you going through depression, please seek professional help.  From someone who has experienced depression before, it might be hard to get out of your own way when you're feeling down in the dumps.

Stay sassy, confident, and remember you are the most beautiful woman in the world!

The Millenia Man

Last night, a good friend of mine brought to my attention an article she found in Cosmo, "The Only Kind of Man Worth Marrying".  She started talking about how it explains the "50/50" man and how he supports the corporate woman. Growing up, I struggled with the idea of 'having it all'.  Could I really have a career and a family and my sanity?  As I have said before, I grew up in a slightly old fashioned Hispanic household where my mom was expected to take care of all that was domestic in the home.  As a matter of fact, my grandmother said that I would never find a husband if I didn't know how to iron.  In the article, it says that a woman can have it all if she doesn't have to do it all.  Blasphemy!  What a concept!

Apparently, the Millenia Male takes on some of the chores, helping out around the house with the kids and work, against traditional values.  They have become more accepting of those women who want careers themselves.  It is said to believe these values have shifted because the woman has made work a career and their parents struggled with the blurred lines of what was traditional.

I want to say, I completely embrace finding this Millenia male.  I have always told those that I've dated, that I wanted to be part of a team, that things should be 50/50.  To think, my idea of what my ideal relationship was not too far off from where the world was progressing.  The article does state to beware of those men who do say they are forward thinking by watching out for simple reactions to what you might do such as saying you might have to work late and they complain as to why you can't come home early and make dinner.  He should be supportive to your endeavors.

One piece of advice, if the person you are with makes you a better you, then stick with it.  But if they bring you down, kick them to the curb.  You are a beautiful and strong, no need to let a loser run your life.

Lessons Learned

In the last year, I have experienced an extreme rollercoaster of events that forced me to analyze what I truly want out of life. There were events in the past which had led me to become lost after I was so sure of what my future entailed. Not until now, the smoke is starting to clear away. I had been just living in limbo, experiencing life as it came to me but I was not necessarily pushing my goals forward. In my past "relationship" (left in quotes because it was short lived), I find myself questioning what went wrong. I analyzed every single event, and the only conclusion I came down to was I should have gotten out of it the first time around as opposed to waiting for all hope to expire. Instead, I ended up being betrayed and extremely hurt by someone who I really felt could provide me the future I wanted. We both made mistakes. I overcompensated because my recent ex always made me feel like I had to continue to prove to him how much I cared and he was scared because his recent ex had damaged him, he was afraid to get hurt again. Another lesson in the infamous notion that rebounds do not work. I think I would have left with some dignity. Initially, I had never laughed or enjoyed someone's company so much, but was the emotional strain worth it?

As a Gemini, as said by a good friend of mine, we tend to go in head first. We want to see the good in people and give our hearts to them but forget to step back and look at the bigger picture. I believe the last two experiences have truly allowed me to stop and slow down for a second. I know my self-worth, and I think that is the most precious knowledge to hold when going into a relationship. Understanding how much you are worth and recognizing that someone else appreciates it.

In essence, the pain will completely go away soon. However, the memory of the pain probably will not. Unfortunately, these are the types of relationships which cause us to put our guard up for the next person who comes around. Hopefully, one won't be so stubborn to keep the walls up. Then again, why wouldn't I want a person who thinks it will be worth it to take the walls down?

Unnecessary Advice

Last night, I went out with a couple of friends. One of which I had been friends with for a significant amount of time. My current engagement came up in conversation because he is conservative when it comes to my choices in my friendships as my fiance is. Anyhow, initially he felt uncomfortable the fact that I had brought up several references to the fact that he had been belligerent and is a school teacher and I find it ironic because I would have never imagined my teachers living anywhere near a similar lifestyle. So because these references were brought up, he was upset and asked me to be more discreet around those he did not know too well. After apologizing, I came to realize that he was guilty of the same. Then he offered relationship advice to me because he felt I shouldn't be open to my fiance about my questionable past which has been mentioned throughout my blogs. I told him, I would rather be sincere than having my fiance find out the truth later on. That, in turn, would hurt our relationship more. My friend went on saying that what he doesn't know would not hurt him. This conversation about boundaries and such went on for TWO hours.

I told him I disagreed and he was upset because he believed I was not listening. I was listening, but my personality is much more liberal. Over time, I have matured throughout my relationship because we have hit rock bottom and we have been at our high. Then he continued to talk about how all relationships are similar. Again, I disagreed because all relationships are not the same. But when he referenced similarities, they were the vague ones which implied we had goals and that all discussions about our past relationships were attacked the same way. I disagree. Some conversations come up in different methods. I might ask, he might ask... it might come up in a different form. He could have read my blogs. We could have discussed it.

My point is after all of this discussion, and I didn't understand why we were still talking. I didn't ask for advice or to dissect my relationship. I told him that there are things that are discussed within our relationship are private and he does not know our relationship. He had no right to discuss something he did not know. Especially, when he does not have a successful relationship under his belt because he pushes people away with precisely this, advice because he is older, he feels he has the right to tell me how to live my life.

I am stubborn, but I am also one to listen. It was like he was giving me a sales pitch because he asked me to repeat what he said as I understood. I did understand and excuse me for taking what was said literally. If you are one to explain every facet of your point, why shouldn't I?? Also, don't change your direction of your advice because you are trying to make a point which hadn't been reached yet. Yes... I understand and No... I do not agree.

Please, I will seek advice when necessary. I am not one to do things on my own. I am one to ask questions until I'm blue in the face. But I will not ask an Olympic Swimmer about how to play football.

My Worth

In a brief conversation, a man asked a woman he was pursuing the question "What kind of man are you looking for?" She sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye and asking "Do you really want to know?" Reluctantly, he said, "Yes." She began to expound... As a woman in this day and age, I am in a position to ask a man what he can do for me that I can't do for myself. I pay my own bills. I take care of my household without the help of any man...or woman for that matter. I am in the position to ask, "What can you bring to the table?" The man looked at her. Clearly he thought that she was referring to money. She quickly corrected his thought and stated, "I am not referring to money. I need something more." I need a man who is striving for perfection in every aspect of life." He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, and asked her to explain. She said, "I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection mentally because I need conversation and mental stimulation. I don't need a simple-minded man." I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection spiritually because I don't need to be unequally yoked... believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster. I need a man who is striving for perfection financially because I don't need a financial burden. I am looking for someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded. I am looking for someone who I can respect.In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive...he just has to be worthy.God made woman to be a helpmate for man. I can't help a man if he can't help himself. When she finished her spill, she looked at him. He sat there with a puzzled look on his face. He said, "You're asking a lot." She replied,"I'm worth a lot."..> Thank you Helena!

The Dating Routine

I haven't written in a while because nothing in this "real world" life has intrigued me enough to analyze. But one thing which I have been thinking about is dating. My best friend was telling me the other day that one of my responses to a potential suitor sounded like it was rehearsed. In a sense, it was. After dating the last seven years and not getting into any serious relationships, except one, which lasted eight months, there has been much routine. We meet someone and get the cliched questions out of the way, such as age, occupation, passions, a short autobiography. There might be different scenarios in which these all take place, but it's always the same information. The first conversation has been rehearsed. My goals have changed, I've had different past experiences but it always the same content. The routine can get incredibly boring. Granted, I'll be honest, I like the attention I get, but I do get bored and possibly avoid the conversation unless the person intrigues me enough to continue to the cliched questioning.

I have been thinking, that I might continue this routine because I do get pressure from my family to find the right one. But what is the rush? I might be bored with the routine, but it doesn't mean I don't have a couple more initial conversations with me.

Also, I wanted to clarify, meeting people in life and routine dating conversations are different. I am always up to meeting new people, but they all serve different purposes. Some are for business, and some are for pleasure. The dating routine is only meant for those interested in getting to know in a romantic sense.