5 Signs You're in a Bad Relationship

Are you dating a narcissist? Master Manipulator? Emotional Terrorist? Here are some signs that you are in a bad relationship. I was told these signs a million times by people over the past years, and I pushed them back saying “he isn’t abusive things aren’t that bad, he doesn’t hit me.” If you find that you are doing this and minimizing the abuse maybe you need to take a step back and honestly evaluate your relationship. So here is a list of 4 things to watch out for and can show you that maybe it’s time to move on from this relationship.

1.  He Controls everything.

And it starts with your activities together it’s with his friends, his hobbies, and it’s all in his time; the activities you want to do never seem to work out. He isolates you from your family; you don’t see them as often as you did. Soon you start making up excuses to the people you love on why you never see them and why he never comes to you. He sabotages your friendships making you think that you choose to get rid of your friends.  Then control goes on steroids, and you start working from home, you no longer have a car, and when you leave the house, he is texting and calling wondering who you are with and how long you will be.  Soon he controls the money, and you no longer have your own, even though you work for it. Now don’t get me started with the sex because that’s going to be controlled too. It will be his choice on his time and his way. You will be left unsatisfied and unfulfilled with life and the relationship and when you complain he will make you feel like everything wrong in the relationship is your fault. Like I said before he is in control of everything, so he is going to control the blame.  This is manipulation at its finest, and it will make you think you are crazy. Take a second and stay grounded; it takes two to tango so don’t think the bad relationship is all your fault.

2.  History of past Abuse.

How does your partner talk about his ex’s? Does he refer to them as crazy? When he talks about who he dated, did it end badly with each one?  You better think twice about being with someone that talks that way. There is a common denominator, and I don’t think it’s that he only finds crazy women to date. A strong, grounded, mature person doesn’t have to label someone as something to protect their ego. A man that has integrity can date remain friendly after it’s over. Listen to the ghosts of his past, they are telling you exactly who he is, and someone like this doesn’t find crazies he creates crazies.

3.  The giving and taking are not the same.

In a bad relationship, there will always be one person that is the taker and the other the giver. That’s how you have been able to stay with him so long but also the reason that you’re feeling drained. You’re giving everything and doing everything, and he will give you enough to keep you around.

4.  The game of emotional abuse: belittling and stonewalling.

Does he tell you things that are physically wrong with your body? Does he always fail to celebrate your successes? Does he stand up for you with friends or family? Does he call you his doormat? Then when you get upset (because these are all hurtful things), he then ignores you till you apologize for getting angry? This is all in the plan because if you think you aren’t enough for him, you get so low that you get to thinking you can’t live without him. You will bend over backward doing anything he wants to keep him around. No one deserves to be a doormat, close that door immediately and open another that will lift up the doormat, dust it off and treat you like the amazing woman you are.

5.  Cycle of abuse

Another reason you stay because when it is good, it’s SO GOOD. I remember crying after my ex, and I bought a house together, and we saged it and talked about all the positive things that were going to happen in the house. Well for once we did an activity I wanted to do.  And it was fun, happy, and he was all in and paying 100% attention to me. The high of things going well never lasts. Eventually, the honeymoon stage is over, and the cycle begins again. He will belittle, Stonewall or flat out choose anything or anyone over you; you then get upset and then you’re called crazy. Meanwhile, you think it’s your fault and stay because you  THINK you can learn not to be crazy. But in reality, you aren’t crazy, and anyone that gets belittled, stonewalled and flat out chosen last would be upset. You are Normal; You will find a reasonable person to love, and you will be fulfilled and completely healthy.

So if you can relate to this list and you think your relationship is very similar, Please Go! You’re beautiful, smart, strong, and even though you have been conditioned to think otherwise and even though it will be the hardest thing you have ever done; do it. He will never change, and you will stay unfulfilled and drained. You can have a best friend as a partner, someone that’s excited to see you. I remained in an abusive relationship for almost ten years, in the end after I changed my bad habits and worked on myself and came to find it still was not working because he didn’t want it too. I tried to leave three times before I did. It was the hardest thing I ever did. Now that it’s all over and I’ve been with an amazing man I have the relationship that mirrors my parents. I am so glad I did it. It took a long time to get here, and I’m so proud to be where I am and be who I am. We are both in love with each other and will do anything to make sure each other are happy. I didn’t think this existed, and I didn’t think a relationship could be natural, and it is.

Thanks for coming to the party today, I’m sorry it feels like such a downer, but it does end well. This story has ended happily ever after for me, and I hope this post helps change someone’s nightmare into a fairytale. Life is too short, and we only regret the things we never did. You won’t regret living a more fulfilled life and leaving the draining relationship. Let me know if you liked the post or it helped you in some way by commenting and sharing.

XOXO

Ryan Reynolds

Last night, I went on a date with someone I met off of Match.com.  Initially, I didn't have high expectations because he didn't really seem to be my type physically on his profile and after talking to him on the phone, it was hard to get a story from him.  Anyhow, I was being overly critical just to protect my possibly high hopes of finally finding someone. He convinced me to reschedule a date with an older man which I was having second thoughts about.  So I met him at a pool hall and as I approached the door, I was in shock.  This guy looked like Ryan Reynolds.  He didn't look like his profile pictures as at all, in a good way.  In my honest nature, as we sat at the bar, he asked why I was being so shy and I responded that he didn't look like his pictures and I was kind of in awe and a little nervous.  He then asked what I thought about his profile.  I told him my opinion considering I had been honest with him and told him of my experiences in dating and what women are looking for.

The date went on kind of awkwardly as we competed with each others sarcasm.  I felt a weird tension and lack of connectivity, I think it was because we were competing instead of getting to know each other.

During out date, I did tell him not to change his profile unless things didn't go well.  So because I'm so nosey, I did check him out since he hadn't attempted to contact me the following day.  He changed it.

I think the point is, I didn't realize I was an online dating profile consultant.  I was asked whether I've been on a blind date before and I laughed only because I've had so many dating experiences including Bad Date 4 - The Really Blind Date.  I was really thrown by him really updating his profile per our conversations.  Wow.  That teaches me to give dating advice to potential suitors.

Hey guys! This is Tom

I don't know if I'm the only person who gets anxiety about this but I always do when I'm introducing someone I'm dating to my friends.  Most of my friends think I'm crazy for putting so much emphasis on the introduction but by nature, I just worry about everyone's well being and I want them to play nice.  My circumstance is a bit different considering, I've never really been that close to my family, so my friends sometimes fill those gaps when I really need someone to be there.  Having them accept the person I'm dating is super duper important. A few months ago, a friend of mine which I used to date insisted on coming to visit me.  I was a bit hesitant because most of our conversations end up in arguments, however, because I'm so nice, I didn't say no.  Coincidentally, that same weekend, a friend of mine was having a dinner for her birthday and I didn't want my out of town guest to hinder an opportunity to hang out with my friends.  So, I went to pick up my friend at the train station. He practically jumps on me and I realize, OMG... I am sooo not attracted to him like I used to be.  I get nervous. I dropped him off at my apartment and went back to work to finish my day.

When I got from work, he practically attacked me again.  Sigh... I push him off of me and we got ready to head out.  What I didn't remember, for whatever reason, is that he couldn't hear out of one ear.  We get to the restaurant, I say hi to everyone.  We sat down and I waited for my best girlfriend, her husband and another good friend of mine to arrive.  My best girlfriend's husband is a bit over protective of me, kind of like an older brother.  When I initially introduce him to someone, he doesn't like to talk to them until he knows he's sticking around.  I think not to get attached.  Out of everyone, I think he makes me the most nervous, minus meeting my father, of course.

As we're at the table, this guy that I brought does not shut up!  My friends are trying to ask him questions, but he doesn't hear them because of his faulty ear.  This just got super embarrassing.  Needless to say, I was never going to live this down (and I haven't yet :-/).  I am not going to get into the details of the rest of the night, but let's say, I wasn't exactly the nicest person to him.  I found it strange I could be a complete  b**ch to him and got away with it.  I wasn't proud of what I was doing but it was my reaction to embarrassment I endured.  I couldn't wait for that visit to be over and it is one weekend I will never forget.

Experiences like these just make me more wary of who I'm bringing around.  I do spend a lot of time with my friends but if I can sacrifice a couple of nights to make sure a guy is okay, I'm willing to do that then go through a crazy experience.

Really?? Another bad tipper

I know I've told this story to many people but a couple of weeks ago, I had thought I finally made a connection with someone on a personal level.  I met him in person for the first time and I was looking like I made an effort.  He shows up in military green pants and a plaid shirt.  Again, because we clicked over the phone, I gave him the benefit of the doubt.  We sat down to dinner and had pretty decent conversation.  I thought to myself, "Maybe this could work." When the bill came, I sensed something different.  Excuse me for being a prude, however, I believe if a man asks you on a date, he pays for the bill.  He chose the place, he invited me, and its the first date.  The bill sat on the table for about 30 minutes.  I had a feeling he was waiting for me to offer to pay.  He went to the bathroom and, I have to admit, I took a look at the bill.  Finally, he came back and put his card with the check.  When he signed, he only added a $5.00 tip.  I can tell you this... that was about 5% of the check.

Not only was I not really attracted to him, I was totally turned off.  Our waiter was not mediocre, he was awesome.  Very knowledgeable of the menu, wine selection and made conversation with us during our meal.  I felt so bad, I sent a compliment card to the restaurant with a generous tip included.

Anyhow, we went for a walk as I tried to convince myself that maybe it wasn't so bad.  But I couldn't get over what just had happened.  After finishing our walk, I told him that I wanted to go home.  It was late and I was tired.  At least, that's what I told him.

The next day, he sent me a routine text both of us had become accustomed to over the previous week.  I broke down and told him, "Listen, I think its best we should just be friends."  Apparently, he didn't take it so well because he called me right after the text was sent.  He asked what happened and I tried to hide the fact that I was turned off by his actions and told him that I didn't feel the chemistry.  Granted, I wasn't completely lying.  He then said he felt weird because I wasn't the girl he thought I was and I had been lying about who I was to him.

After I hung up, he continued to send texts accusing me of letting my friends make my decisions.  I thought this guy was crazy.  I finally told him the truth.  He then admitted that he was caught but I had no right to judge him for that one action.  That he was not cheap.  He actually did expect me to pay for part of the bill!  He told me he was on a budget and didn't expect the bill to come to that much.  Really??  This guy from New York really didn't expect the bill to be that much.  He chose the place!!  Do your research and don't expect me to have any sort of sympathy for your actions?!?!

Sigh... let's just say, that was the end of that!

Coming soon...

I've had some crazy experiences the last few week... Stay Tuned for additions to the Bad Date series!

Bad Date 4 - The Really Blind Date

A lesson which I learned a very long time ago in my 28 years of life is to NOT (I repeat NOT) meet someone from the internet without seeing a picture or several pictures of them first. I believe it was my second or third year of college when I started talking to someone over the phone who lived in Orlando.  I went to UF in Gainesville.  The two weeks we spent speaking over the phone were great.  We had a connection and could talk for hours.  For some reason, in my naivety, he convinced me that I'd seen a picture of him and spoke of his looks very highly.  I just went with it.

We planned a date for one of the weekends I was going to Orlando to visit home.  I pulled up to a very popular location by International Drive, he walked out of his car and handed me a rose as I opened the door of my car.  As I looked into his face, I could remember thinking, I have never seen this man in my entire life!!!  Because of our great connection over the phone, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and disregarded the fact he wasn't physically my type.  I gave him a kiss on the cheek, he opened the car door on the passenger seat of his car and I laid the rose on the back seat, with the intention of taking it home later.

He took me to a local restaurant and we stared at each other.  He had absolutely nothing to say!  I wondered to myself why he was acting so shy.  To occupy the silence, I realized there were two Italian men speaking to each other at at table near us and I was trying to translate what they were saying.  Since I was taking Italian at the time, I took the translate what they were saying.   He asked me if something was wrong and I said " nothing".  I told him I was surprised he wasn't talking much.  He told me he was nervous and I explained there should be no reason to be nervous because he knew me after talking non stop on the phone for 2 weeks.  He asked me what I was thinking and I explained the two Italian men at the table next to us and how I was translating.  Needless to say, our conversation was ummmm empty...

We got back into his car and he asked if we should go downtown.  I thought to myself, why not?  At least we don't have to attempt a conversation with each other.  My date stopped at a gas station, he looked at me and asked, "you're not attracted to me, are you?"

I was dumbfounded.  Who would ask their date that question while they are cornered in a car with the other person?!?  I told him that it wasn't something I wanted to talk about and that we should just enjoy our night (I should have come up with a better answer...I was young).  He looked at me again and just asked me to answer the question.  I told him the truth because I am a big believe in honesty but I tried to hold back the blow as much as possible.  I told him I wasn't attracted to him but I wanted to enjoy this date because of our great conversation.  However, there was no conversation on this date, so it was difficult to overlook the fact that he withheld he never showed me a picture of himself!

Anyhow, we ended up at a club downtown.  We went to the rooftop and on the way up, I dropped my driver's license.  He offered to hold it for me and I accepted the offer.  I thought to myself, I was going to make this the best I could possibly regardless of the circumstances.  We started to dance, and I could feel his manhood protruding into my back.  I was totally turned off!  I told him that I needed to go to the restroom.  He walked me to the door.  I spent the next ten minutes splashing my face with water.  I walked out the door and asked him to take me back to my car.

While walking back to the parking garage, he looked at me and said,"You are the most selfish, self centered, b**ch I've ever met in my life.  I can't believe I let myself care about you."

I was in shock.  How did he have the right to call me self centered when all I tried to do was make this date work regardless of the circumstances.  I responded,"Are you joking?!?  All I've done is tried to talk to you all night but you're too "shy" to talk to someone who you've been been talking to for the last two weeks?!?!"

He just looked at me and continued to call me names.  I just shut my mouth, and prayed the drive back to my car would be silent.  Which it was.

I finally got to my car, slammed his door and never looked back.  Needless to say, I never got my driver's license back from him.

Bad Date 3 - The Bad Tipper

This date wasn't necessarily a bad one, it was what happened at the end which was embarrassing.  I had a crush on this guy in college for whatever reason.  Actually, I'm still not sure what it was but there was something about him.  He was a Mexican Texan who looked slightly like Fred Flinstone... it could had been some weird connection to my childhood... but I digress.  So I asked him if he could take me to this really popular sushi restaurant in Gainesville.  If you went to UF, you know which one I'm talking about.  Anyhow, I ate sushi, he didn't but I guess I can understand some people just don't have the acquired taste for it. The date ended and he paid then told me he needed to head to the bathroom.  I went to the front of the restaurant and waited for him so we could go on with our day.  Our waitress then approached me and I asked what was wrong.  She asked me, "Did I do something bad?"

I said no and asked why.  She then said, "I only got a $1 tip from you guys."  My jaw dropped (not literally but in my mind).  How embarrassing.  I told her I was really sorry and unfortunately I didn't have cash on me.  Then I offered that she take my debit card and charge me for something so I could tip her, she refused.  My date came back from the bathroom and we left.

I didn't say anything to my date but I was totally turned off.  Last time I went out with Fred Flinstone.

Bad Date 2 - The Bicycle

There is a reason why people say do not expect a relationship from someone you've met a club.  A few years ago, I went to a popular latin club with my roommate at the time and met someone who I was automatically physically attracted to.  Obviously after a few drinks and forgotten conversation, we exchanged numbers. Maybe a few days later, I invited him over to hang out with me and my roommate.  I remember I waited a good hour and started to wonder where he was.  He told me he lived in a part of town that was no further than 20 minutes away.  Finally, I heard a knock on the door.  He had finally arrived.  I asked him, "How did you get here?"

He replied, "I rode by bike".

Automatically, I assumed it was a motorcyle.  I asked where he parked it and he said downstairs, I locked it against the stairwell.  I opened the door and looked downstairs.  To my surprise, it was a BICYCLE.  Then I went on to find out that he had actually taken the bus the majority of the way and put the bike on the front caddy.  I really wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt and just brush it off since he had recently divorced his wife and she had gotten the car in the settlement. 

What I didn't notice from meeting him at the club is that he was a non stop talker and spit flew out of his mouth everytime he opened it.  GROSS!  Again, since I'm such a nice person, I let him continue to speak.  He then offered to take me out to eat.  I didn't want to think he would be able to come back, so I asked him about his bike.  He advised that I put it in my trunk and go to the restaurant.  Quickly, I thought to myself, if I don't do this then I will have to see him again.  We went to the local ale house to have a quick bite.

On the way back to his house, a car next to us started signaling us to open the window.  I didn't think anything of it until they started laughing.  They were making fun of me for driving a grown man with a bicycle. 

My faithful roommate called me on the way back to his house and gave me a way out.  I told him that my sister got to my apartment and I had to go back immediately, it was an emergency.  I dropped him off and he asked, "I'm never going to see you again, am I?"  I lied and told him I would give him a call. 

Needless to say, he did not get a goodnight kiss and I never saw him again.

Bad Date 1 - Chik fil A

I've decided to let you into the world of bad dates with some of my favorites.  Luckily, I'm a very laid back person so I was not terribly affected by these stories, however, I did learn my lesson. A few years back, I was in between a break with my ex fiance.  I had broken up with him a month and a half before.  I was at a friend's Superbowl party.  She told me her husband's best friend was a great catch.  Someone she would approve of... basically he looked great on paper.

The following week, we texted over the phone and made plans to hang out.  He told me to meet him at the mall which has several nice dining options since the mall is a little upscale.  He meets me at the mall and asks where I would like to eat.  I'm a little old fashioned when it comes to  that question so I like to have the guy make the decision plus I'm very conscious of their price range.

So he tells me, "Hey, let's eat at Chik-fil-A".  I think to myself.  OMG is this guy serious?????  Don't get me wrong.  I love Chik-fil-A,  But for a first date in the mall???  Which has other great places to eat like Cheesecake Factory, California Pizza Kitchen, PF Changs, Brio... just to name a few and he asks me if I want Chik-fil-A???

Now most would think I was a bit weak but I'm not a cruel person.  I ordered whatever I wanted off the menu and promised myself I would not date this guy again.  Good thing there wasn't a dollar menu.  He probably would had told me to order on that side of the menu.