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Secrets to Making a Breakup Be the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You

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When we talk about breakups, we don’t talk about how positive they can be, we focus on how horrible they are. I was in a relationship for almost nine years, and when that ended, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. So, if you’re reading this and you are pre-breakup, mid-breakup, or even post and trying to move on, start with changing your thoughts about break up. It is positive, it’s change, it’s a new beginning, and most importantly, it’s a new you. Getting your heart broken is the way to start over and make a life you will never need a vacation from and will never need to break up with. It’s so easy to say this, so I have made a list of things that helped me move on and get to that positive place. Here they are…

Cry, scream, and be all the emotions

What I mean by this is feel all the emotions. You can’t move on if you push things down and never address them. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time. It’s gonna be a bumpy road, emotions will come and go, but this will be the best thing to ever happen to you and one day you will wake up, and the shadow will be gone, and you will be happy again. I know you’re asking the biggest question just like when Carrie got her heart broken by Mr. Big for the millionth time.

You know, Carrie from Sex in the City, asked “When will I laugh again?” Miranda responded “When something is really funny.”

That’s how being happy will be one day, it will just click. Until then move on to the rest of this post.

Make a list of all the things that annoyed you

Get specific about the guy and the relationship. This is a great list to have on your phone so when you feel like texting him, or you hear a song you both loved you can read the list and remember why you broke up. When the time comes, and you’re with someone new it’s an excellent way to compare the new guy with the old and make sure they are nothing alike. Who wants to make the same mistake twice? Am I right?

Make a list of all the things you love about yourself and your life

Self-worth is the most important thing anyone can change. If you don’t like you, then who will? This list can be hard in the beginning, try to be very specific and keep adding to the list and read over this list every time you’re sad or not feeling like you are enough. Everyone has good qualities and has talents, appreciate yours. One of my favorite quotes by an unknown author is

“You are YOU and that is your power.”

Embrace your power and embrace your uniqueness. Which leads me to the next point.

Change your self-talk

A world of disappoints will turn into a reality of winning. Words are important, they all have meaning and truth. How is it the nicest people often treat themselves the worst? I came to find that I was quite rude to myself. So take the negative challenge, and I replace I can’t, I won’t, I’m sorry and no; I replaced it with yes, thank you, I can and I will.  It makes a world of difference. One of my favorite movies is Alice in Wonderland, and it’s because she tries to do six impossible things before breakfast. And with a mindset like that the world is yours. Be nice to yourself and say nice things. If you need some motivation or an example of affirmations, click here. You will not be disappointed.

Start working out

Even if it’s just a walk with your dog every day or starting a new class at the gym, get out and get your body moving.  There are so many studies that state walking is good for your brain. There is a form of therapy called EMDR, and it focuses on changing your thoughts and memories while using both sides of your brain. It’s an incredible form of therapy because you are not talking your way through your problems and getting obsessed. You never tell your therapist what it’s about and you work through your thoughts and memories replaces them with less dramatic more positive feelings. I recommend it to anyone wanting to heal from any past traumas.

Try new things and meet new people

Have you always wanted to take an art class? Or learn how to dance? When you are at work what do you wish you could be doing? When getting home, DO IT! Scared to do something is the best sign that you need to do that very thing, so DO IT. When I was moving on from my past life, I chose always to say yes. My world had gotten so limited like the relationship I was in.  When you get scared to take that as a personal challenge to do it. Always say yes. You will be surprised at the things you can accomplish and the people you will meet along the way.

Go on vacation

traveling is the best thing for a broken heart. We forget that life is more than the bubble we live in. It’s a huge world and it will bring things into perspective plus you have so many memories to bury the past with which in the end will help you to move on.

Read self-help books and listen to positive podcasts

I know it’s cheesy but there is good stuff in others experience and advice. Heck, you wouldn’t be reading this post if you didn’t want to change yourself so get obsessed with being better, feeling better. Even trying to better yourself can help you feel better. So get to it, I love The Motivational High Five but find what works for you.

Re-establish friendships with friends and family.

Bad relationships lead to breakups which then have unfortunately put our loved ones as collateral damage. Re-establish those friendships and like I said before don’t be scared to make new ones.

Create goals

Are you happy with your job? No? Change it. Do you hate where you live? Yes? Move. You only have one life to live to get living it instead of surviving it. You don’t like something change it. And keep changing it till you love it.

And finally, upgrade on that relationship

This breakup will be the hardest thing ever do but the best choice you’ve ever made. there is someone out there that will make you look back at the relationship you just left and you will think how crazy you were to ever be so upset it ended. Find someone better, that fits you better, communicates better and has a similar love language as you.  We don’t look hard enough to find the people that will suit us best and possibly be our soul mates. So look because I can tell you by experience when you find them you will be happy. Life will be so easy and you will look back at your past relationships and laugh that you ever thought that was love. Don’t settle, your fairy tale does exist.

Thank you for tuning into my post on Val’s Bytes, check out more post’s at ANYTHINGGIRLY.com

Follow me on Instagram @heidimaesearle

And Facebook at Heidi Mae Searle

The best compliment to any blogger is sharing a post, so I invite you to share and thank you in advance if you do. Comment below and let me know what has helped you get over a breakup!

heidi mae

Online Dating - You're Doing It Wrong

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Smartphones and apps have opened the floodgates of free online dating. And why not? You can meet lots of interesting people online - more than you'll meet in a loud, smoky bar. You can filter them to make sure their age, appearance, background, and interests are compatible with yours. And it's fun. Research firm GlobalWebIndex reported in 2015 that 91 million people are using apps like Tinder. Why not? Tinder has millions and millions of users. Surely the person you're looking for has an account.

NEEDLE, MEET HAYSTACK

Maybe so. But Tinder's strength - that it is so widely used - is also its weakness. You're not looking to date millions of people. You're looking to find a particular someone.

General-purpose apps and dating websites try to convince you that having lots of members is a benefit. But in most cases, such sites are a waste of time. (That's one reason their customer ratings are so low.)

Suppose you’re interested solely in guys with beards. Or maybe someone who shares your religious background. A general-purpose dating app may let you set filters so you see only members who match your criteria.

But that doesn’t mean you’ll find lots of them. Like you, people in niche categories find general-interest dating sites and apps frustrating, inefficient, and boring. So you don’t find them there.

A MATTER OF FOCUS

Luckily, savvy website operators have created specialized dating sites for people with particular interests. You can now find a website to help you connect with guys with beards, or fellow Catholics, or big beautiful women, or guys with children, or women with tattoos, or married people interested in discreet relationships, or...well, you name it!

A niche dating site is more efficient because you don't have to wade through the profiles of lots of people who don't match your interests. Better yet, such a site is a community of people who share your attraction. You'll enjoy a real sense of community at a niche site. You can pick up useful online dating tips, chat with like-minded singles, and compare experiences.

A niche site attracts precisely the people you are looking for. And because it rewards their searches with qualified potential partners, they stay active. They tell their friends. The site becomes more and more useful over time.

Best of all, you can be sure that you'll find just the kind of dating partner you're looking for.

Let other singles waste their time swiping left and swiping right on Tinder. You're better off with a niche dating website where you can meet exactly who you're looking for.

Contributed by Dating VIP

2016 - A Year in Review

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I'd like to think this "Year in Review" idea could be an annual thing.  I like to reflect on the past year and its triumphs and challenges.  I really began this year in a good place as I was planning my wedding to The Comedian.  There were hopes and dreams that I wanted to accomplish.

Year in Review

I was working at a job where I loved the people, but as the year wore on, so did the job.  I worked from 8 am to 6 or 7 PM on some days plus going outside in a construction environment did not weigh very well on my energy.  I started losing myself.  I didn't feel that I had the energy to work on the one thing that brought me life, this blog.  Not only that, I struggled to lose weight for the big day.  I remember lying in bed with The Comedian after a long heated discussion about following our dreams.  He felt that I was losing my passion.  I sincerely was just in a rut.  I told him that by the end of the year, I would quit my job and pursue freelance writing full-time.  This would give me the opportunity to focus on what I loved most, writing.

Luckily, after a few craigslist posts, I found some great clients who both gave me the opportunity to quit my job and still make enough money to support myself.  I was on a roll.  My goal came to life.  This past holiday season has been full of meetings and pursuing even more clients.  Val's Bytes will not be left behind either.  Look out for new podcasts in a different format in 2017.

I have been to two weddings this year, including my own.  I don't remember any baby showers.  And I was given the greatest gift of all, a husband who supports my every endeavor.

As I reflect back on this year, I think about all of the negative things that happened.  The shooting at Pulse Shooting Pulse Nightclub in my hometown of Orlando, deaths of so many celebrities including Prince, and the emotional stress of working a job that drained me both mentally and physically.

Create a Your Own Destiny

But I am grateful for changes that occurred that brought me closer to what is on my vision board.  As a challenge to you, I want you to create your own vision board (I will put mine down below).  If you visualize and pray for the things in life you want, they will come.  Keep a positive outlook and don't let negative thoughts enter your mind.  The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle says,

“See if you can catch yourself complaining, in either speech or thought, about a situation you find yourself in, what other people do or say, your surroundings, your life situation, even the weather. To complain is always nonacceptance of what is. It invariably carries an unconscious negative charge. When you complain, you make yourself into a victim. When you speak out, you are in your power. So change the situation by taking action or by speaking out if necessary or possible; leave the situation or accept it. All else is madness.”

A goal without a plan is a dream (I saw this in a meme the other day).  With this year in review, I want you to create an opportunity for success.  Visualize the things you want, keep a positive mindset, and those things will come.  I know because it has happened to me.

Happy New Year!

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The Settler vs The Reacher

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Coincidently, when it comes to figuring out to post, life usually hands me a lemon.  In this case, I was binging on How I Met Your Mother (for the second time) and I came across this episode where Marshall is told he's the "reacher" and Lily is the "settler" in their relationship.  Of course, there's a funny plot twist where Lily eventually gets jealous of Marshall when he's kissed by a beautiful woman who she ends up knocking out. Around the same time, I was talking to a friend of mine regarding his latest conquest.  He has been adamant about not having a relationship.  He had been married then in a long relationship before moving to his new town and had no interest in getting serious with anyone else.  Let's just say; my friend looks like John Cena.  He is attractive and motivated but has no interest in settling down.  The woman he started dating is very well off but even after his plea to not get attached, she got attached.  She is the reacher because she was trying hard to change his mind or impress him so that he would settle down with her.  This is a classic case of a settler and reacher.

 

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During my time dating, there was a long period where I had no interest in settling down or getting married.  Yes, I might have had a boyfriend in my early 20s but marriage was so far gone out of my mind, I had no plans to do it until I was ready.  Like my 30s.  At that time, I dated a lot of umm "mimbos" (really good looking men with no intellect whatsoever).  I think it was a conquest for myself because I considered myself an ugly duckling (Insert horrible 90s school photo here -Thanks James!).

 

When I discovered hair gel, mousse, makeup, and tweezer, I found I could use my intelligence for my benefit.   Bring on the handsome men!  I didn't commit to anyone of these people because I didn't want to be the settler.

After a while, and my ex-fiance, I realized that I didn't want to go down that route anymore.  I was 27 and finally ready to realize that maybe I should find someone.  I now became the reacher.  The men I did like, I tried too hard, and the men who were not smart just turned me off.  I remember I dated this guy with a gold grill.  I couldn't bring him around my friends.  When he told me he was falling for me, I freaked out.  How did this happen???

I realized that even at one point I was reaching for someone who wasn't even my type.  I learned that the mental connection was all that I needed.  It was my love language, quality time.  Regardless, he was a commitophobe, and that didn't work out in the long run.

After watching that episode of How I Met Your Mother, I started to wonder if I was the settler or the reacher in the relationship.  I think at this point; I don't think I'm either.  I think both the Comedian and I bring great qualities to the table.  I guess I'll let you be the judge.

 

No One Wants to Hear about a Happy Relationship

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“No one wants to hear about a happy relationship.”  That’s the Comedian said after doing a bit on stage.  Before he told a joke, he would run it by me to ask whether it was okay.  I honestly didn’t mind.  I knew it was an exaggerated version of our reality.  Once, a woman pulled me to the side after he performed on stage and said, “You don’t have to let him talk about you like that.”

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Sincerely, it was okay.  I had gotten comfortable with being the butt of 90% of his jokes.  In all seriousness, comedians talk about what they know, and if they spend most of their lives with you, then you will be the butt of their jokes.  I usually laugh it off and say “I signed up for this when I decided to date a comedian.”

It’s the same as being a dating blogger.  I spent countless hours talking about my latest conquests and how the majority of them went wrong.  Now, that I’m in a happy marriage with the comedian, I am scrambling for good material.  I have no issues talking about myself but who really wants to read about a happy relationship?

It’s true.  Most of us watch reality TV because we feel that if this rich person’s life is falling apart in front of us, then maybe we aren’t so bad. These past few weeks, a lot of people approach the Comedian and me and ask, “How’s married life?”

I sincerely don’t know how to answer.  It’s great.  Nothing has changed.  We are still two creative peas in a pod just trying to make our way in the world.  He’s the type of person who can make you laugh and the next hour has a serious conversation about the development of society.  It’s crazy to have found this combination in a person, but it works. Someone told me to

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enjoy this time because you never know when things will change.

She is right.  I’ve seen my friends go through ups and downs in their marriages.  But the strong always prevail.  I admire the strength in understanding your partner, and when things get tough, they are really there for you.

The comedian even said in his vows that you need someone to grow with you and push you to be the best version of yourself.  I would like to challenge everyone to talk about their happy relationship.  It might make the idea of finding the right partner much less stressful.  He is out there.

On a side note... our wedding video is out!

I hope you enjoy!

https://vimeo.com/191169594