The Settler vs The Reacher

Coincidentally, when I’m unsure of what to write about, life hands me a lemon—this time in the form of a How I Met Your Mother binge (round two). I landed on an episode where Marshall is told he’s the “reacher” and Lily is the “settler” in their relationship. Cue the plot twist: Lily gets jealous when a beautiful woman kisses Marshall, and she ends up knocking her out. Classic.

Around the same time, I was talking to a friend about his most recent situationship. He’s a self-proclaimed bachelor—divorced, newly relocated, and determined not to get serious again. Did I mention he looks like John Cena? Attractive, motivated, and emotionally unavailable. The woman he started dating? Financially well-off and deeply invested, despite his repeated disclaimers. She thought she could change his mind. She became the reacher.

That’s what sparked my own reflection.

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During my early 20s, I had zero desire to settle down. Yes, I had a boyfriend or two, but marriage? Not on my radar. I wanted to explore and have fun. I dated what I now call “mimbos”—good-looking guys with little else to offer. It was my way of reclaiming confidence after feeling like the “ugly duckling” growing up. (Insert tragic 90s school photo here—thanks, James.)

When I discovered hair mousse, tweezers, and eyeliner, I realized I could pair intelligence with confidence. Bring on the handsome men! But I never wanted to commit. I didn’t want to be the settler.

Eventually, after a broken engagement and a handful of dating disasters, I hit 27 and thought, “Okay… maybe it’s time.” That’s when I switched roles. I became the reacher—trying too hard for the guys I liked, while the ones who lacked depth repelled me. One guy even had a gold grill. Yeah… not exactly someone I could bring to brunch with my girls.

I even found myself chasing someone who wasn’t even my type—just for the sake of someone. That’s when it hit me: what I really craved was a mental connection. My love language is quality time, and all I wanted was someone I could actually connect with.

Now, after watching that HIMYM episode again, I wondered: in my relationship with the Comedian, am I the settler or the reacher?

And honestly? I don’t think either of us are. We both bring something real and valuable to the table. We challenge each other, we laugh, we grow, and we love hard. I guess I’ll let you be the judge.

Is there such thing as "The One"?

Over the last few weeks, I’ve found myself pondering the idea of “The One.” Does this person actually exist—or is it a concept planted in our minds by romantic comedies and Disney movies? Is it even plausible to believe that out of 3 to 5 billion people in the world, one person is perfectly made for you?

After asking around—friends, coworkers, even people in their early twenties—I’ve come to believe that maybe “The One” isn’t a predestined soulmate but someone who enters your life at the right time, in the right place, and fits who you are in that moment. I’ve always believed that everything happens for a reason, and maybe love is no different.

Maybe this person isn’t perfect. But they’re perfect for you. At least for the version of you that exists when your paths cross.

And let’s be real—after the butterflies fade and reality sets in, that’s when the real relationship begins. Communication becomes the glue. I read recently that if you truly want to build a lasting relationship, you need to be able to talk about anything. I think this is where most relationships break down—people hold back. There’s a fear of exposing a darker part of ourselves or rocking the boat, but those hidden corners turn into walls.

I’ve made a real effort to be open about my feelings, even if it’s uncomfortable. Because let’s face it—your partner is not a mind reader. Especially if that partner is a man. (Ladies, I know it’s hard, but it’s true.) Men are generally straightforward: if they want something, they go for it. If they don’t, they won’t. There’s no secret code. We’re the ones reading between invisible lines.

Actions. Speak. Louder. Than. Words.

So, back to my original question—do I believe in “The One”?
Maybe not in the Hollywood sense. But I do believe in the right person at the right time. There are at least three people I’ve dated who, at different times in my life, I truly believed I could settle down with. But it just didn’t align.

I’m still a hopeless romantic, though. I believe that when the time is right, someone will walk into my life—and the chemistry, timing, and communication will all click into place.