The Settler vs The Reacher

Coincidentally, when I’m unsure of what to write about, life hands me a lemon—this time in the form of a How I Met Your Mother binge (round two). I landed on an episode where Marshall is told he’s the “reacher” and Lily is the “settler” in their relationship. Cue the plot twist: Lily gets jealous when a beautiful woman kisses Marshall, and she ends up knocking her out. Classic.

Around the same time, I was talking to a friend about his most recent situationship. He’s a self-proclaimed bachelor—divorced, newly relocated, and determined not to get serious again. Did I mention he looks like John Cena? Attractive, motivated, and emotionally unavailable. The woman he started dating? Financially well-off and deeply invested, despite his repeated disclaimers. She thought she could change his mind. She became the reacher.

That’s what sparked my own reflection.

blog, blogger, ugly duckling, dating advice

During my early 20s, I had zero desire to settle down. Yes, I had a boyfriend or two, but marriage? Not on my radar. I wanted to explore and have fun. I dated what I now call “mimbos”—good-looking guys with little else to offer. It was my way of reclaiming confidence after feeling like the “ugly duckling” growing up. (Insert tragic 90s school photo here—thanks, James.)

When I discovered hair mousse, tweezers, and eyeliner, I realized I could pair intelligence with confidence. Bring on the handsome men! But I never wanted to commit. I didn’t want to be the settler.

Eventually, after a broken engagement and a handful of dating disasters, I hit 27 and thought, “Okay… maybe it’s time.” That’s when I switched roles. I became the reacher—trying too hard for the guys I liked, while the ones who lacked depth repelled me. One guy even had a gold grill. Yeah… not exactly someone I could bring to brunch with my girls.

I even found myself chasing someone who wasn’t even my type—just for the sake of someone. That’s when it hit me: what I really craved was a mental connection. My love language is quality time, and all I wanted was someone I could actually connect with.

Now, after watching that HIMYM episode again, I wondered: in my relationship with the Comedian, am I the settler or the reacher?

And honestly? I don’t think either of us are. We both bring something real and valuable to the table. We challenge each other, we laugh, we grow, and we love hard. I guess I’ll let you be the judge.

Don't Get in that Car

I recently heard something on the radio that shook me. A young woman had been raped after getting into a car with a stranger.

My first thought? Why would anyone get into a car with someone they don’t know?
But I had to pause. Because while it might seem obvious to some of us, we live in a world where people are taught to be polite—sometimes at the expense of their safety.

Maybe it’s my thick skin. Maybe it’s the close calls I’ve had. But I believe we need to talk more honestly about the decisions we make and how to protect ourselves—not with blame or shame, but with clarity.

We’re all taught about “stranger danger” as kids, but somehow, that lesson fades as we grow up. Yet the risks don’t. According to the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN), most sexual assaults are committed by someone the victim knows—but that doesn’t mean trusting a stranger is any safer.

A recent social experiment on YouTube (watch here: Social Experiment on Stranger Danger) showed just how easy it is for people to let their guard down. It’s chilling to see women voluntarily get into a car with someone they just met.

I speak from experience. I haven’t always made the safest choices, and I say this with empathy, not judgment. I know what it’s like to want to believe in the good in people. But there’s a line between being optimistic and being unprotected.

Let’s look at another scenario:
You meet a guy at a bar. He’s charming, the vibe is right, and then he invites you to his place after.
What do you think is going to happen? A long, respectful conversation about art and philosophy? Probably not.

One of my favorite lines from How I Met Your Mother says it best:

“Nothing good happens after 2 a.m.”

Go home. Protect your dignity and your peace. If he’s a good guy, he’ll call. If he doesn’t? He never was.

I get it—insecurities sometimes make us crave validation. Sometimes curiosity gets the better of us. And sometimes we just don’t want to be alone. I’ve been there.

But the truth is, many of my worst dates and most regrettable choices could’ve been avoided if I’d put my self-worth first. That’s the lesson I’m sharing here—not to shame, but to empower.

I also believe God doesn’t put us through anything we can’t handle. Sometimes we fall so we can rise stronger. But we can minimize how hard we fall by listening to our gut, learning from the past, and choosing ourselves first.

If you or someone you know is struggling, confused, or carrying the weight of a sexual assault, I’m here to listen—no judgment, just support. That goes for men and women alike.

You are worth protecting. You are worth waiting for. You are worthy—period.