Before Finding Love, You Have to do the Work


Okay. I am going to give you a stern talking to. Are you ready? Good. Since I have announced that I am a certified matchmaker, I have been approached several times. It's been great! However, as soon as I ask people to fill out a questionnaire that will take them 15 minutes, they look at me like I have six eyes.

What I come to understand is that people want things handed to them for free or no work at all. It's absolutely insane. Yes, you can find love without filling out a crazy long questionnaire or asking me for help. That's fine. I won't be mad at you.

It's not just the questionnaire

Before getting into a relationship with the Comedian, I had personal hurdles I had to overcome like abandonment issues and sexual assault from my past. Everyone has baggage especially when you start dating in your late 20s, 30s, or even 40s. It's inevitable.

You had previous relationships, kids, issues with family members, and events in your life that have emotionally scarred you. I always say,

"It's not what you have been through, it's how you handle it that makes you who you are."

Those things from my past do not belong in a relationship. What did I do? I went to counseling, I read some self-help books like the Secret, and the Power of Now and I started looking at life differently. I wanted to be more balanced.

The Self-Awareness Era

We have so much information at our fingertips. More than likely, if you continue to have failing relationships, the common denominator is you. Not the other person you dated. I mean maybe there are some inklings that they weren't the right person for you. The definition of insanity is,

"Doing the same things over and over and expecting different results."

Take ownership of your life and look at your past experiences. Do you have a "Captain Save a Hoe" complex (meaning you always want to "save" your significant other)? Do you always choose people who are verbally abusive because your parents were verbally abusive to you?

We don't realize that sometimes we choose our partners unconsciously. I will tell you that I have a HUGE military guy complex. I consistently dated men in the military because my dad was in the Army. It was like they flocked to me like some sort of butterfly. These men were a reflection of my father; it is what I knew.  Even CNN recognized that its common for you to end up with someone like your parents.

What am I saying? Do the work. Find out what makes you tick and take a look at what happened to you in the past. Read some self-help books that teach you who you are, take a personality test like the one found on 16personalities, find out your love language, and learn more about your zodiac sign. These tests are actually really cool because they are uncanny and really spot on.

Understanding and loving yourself first will help you be a better partner to anyone who crosses your path. I can only help you so much to get you to a better you. I like to tell people that I can lead a horse to water but I can't force it to drink. This means that I can give you all of the tools in the world to find love, but if you don't take my advice or guidance, then I can't promise that you will get what you want.

There's a reason eHarmony has a long questionnaire

If you're serious about finding love, you need to do the work. When I embarked on a serious journey, I went to eHarmony and filled out their lengthy personality questionnaire. The purpose was to understand what I wanted in a relationship and those looking for love know who I am. Matching people is one part intuition and one part information.

If a deal breaker is your potential partner is a smoker, then it will probably not work. I need to know that upfront. If don't want kids, that could be a deal breaker for someone else. I might feel that two people belong together but if they don't match on other levels especially when it comes to future kids, religion, and family values, then it won't work.

I really do want to match and see people fall in love. It gives me great pleasure to know that I had part in your happiness. Understand that you have to do the work on yourself for balance and peace before getting involved in a relationship that will last for decades.

Do the work and you will see dividends.

If you're interested in learning more about your perfect partner, download this Dating Terms worksheet.