Before Finding Love, You Have to do the Work

Okay. I’m going to give you a stern talking to. Ready? Good.

Ever since I announced that I’m a certified matchmaker, I’ve had people come out of the woodwork asking for help. Amazing, right? But the minute I mention a simple 15-minute questionnaire, they look at me like I have six heads.

What I’ve come to realize is this: people want love handed to them without doing any actual work. And honestly? That’s insane.

Yes, sure, you can find love without a long questionnaire or without asking me for help. Go for it. But if you’re looking for something deep, lasting, and aligned, you’ve got to do the inner work first.

It’s Not Just About a Questionnaire

Before I got into a relationship with the Comedian, I had personal hurdles to overcome—abandonment issues, sexual assault trauma, and other baggage.
News flash: we all have baggage—especially if you're dating in your late 20s, 30s, or 40s. Previous relationships, kids, family issues, life-altering events... all of it leaves an emotional mark.

But here's the thing I always say:

“It’s not what you’ve been through; it’s how you handle it that makes you who you are.”

Those past wounds don’t belong in a relationship. So I went to counseling. I read The Secret and The Power of Now. I started viewing life with a different lens. I chose balance and growth.

Welcome to the Self-Awareness Era

We live in an age where personal growth tools are at our fingertips. If you’ve had a string of failed relationships, guess what? The common denominator is you. It’s time to stop blaming your exes and take ownership.

As Einstein (or your favorite meme) once said:

“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.”

So ask yourself:
– Do I constantly try to “fix” or “save” my partners?
– Am I attracted to emotionally unavailable people because that’s what love looked like growing up?

Unconscious attraction is real. I used to consistently date military guys. Why? My dad was in the Army. That’s the energy I was familiar with. CNN even reported it’s common to end up with someone who mirrors your parents.

Do the Work

Want love? Start with yourself.
– Take a personality test (try 16personalities.com)
– Discover your love language
– Read books like Attached or Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married
– Dive into your zodiac sign for fun insights

These aren’t just BuzzFeed quizzes—they’re tools that help you understand your emotional wiring. When you know and love yourself, you're better equipped to be the kind of partner who attracts a healthy relationship.

Why eHarmony Asks So Many Questions

If you're serious about finding love, questionnaires aren’t the enemy—they’re your blueprint.

I once filled out the full eHarmony survey. Yes, it was long. Yes, it asked what I wanted in a partner. But that’s the point. You don’t want to waste time dating someone whose core values don’t align with yours—whether it’s about kids, religion, or deal-breakers like smoking.

As a matchmaker, I use intuition and information. Both are crucial. Without self-awareness and honesty, it’s impossible to build something that will last decades.

Final Thought

I genuinely want to see people fall in love. It lights me up to be part of that journey. But love that lasts requires more than chemistry—it requires clarity.

Do the work. Heal. Learn. Grow.
And when you’re ready, real love will meet you there.

📝 Interested in getting started?
Download my Dating Terms Worksheet to learn more about your perfect partner

The Truth to Matchmaking

Every time I meet one of The Comedian’s guy friends, I get asked the same question: “Do you have any single girlfriends?” The answer is yes, I do—but whether I think they’re a good match is an entirely different story. Matchmaking is not just some casual hobby—it’s practically a science. You can’t just toss two single people together and expect magic. The Comedian swears I have a matchmaking addiction, and maybe he’s right. I love love. I want people to experience it as deeply as I do. But, spoiler alert: it’s not always that simple.

happy couple

I’ve definitely learned the hard way. Sometimes, people aren’t ready for a relationship. Other times, they just don’t want one. I remember recently talking with a friend about setting her up with someone I knew—a great catch, but living in another state. What I didn’t share was that he had zero interest in being in a relationship. Lesson learned: don’t force a romantic vision on someone who hasn’t asked for it.

When matchmaking does work, it’s usually because both people are open and ready. I once met a guy when I was single, and while there was no romantic chemistry between us, he described exactly what he was looking for. Immediately, I thought of someone who matched his criteria to a T. I brought him to a place where I knew she’d be—and five years later, they’re still together.

There’s also this: some people say they want love but haven’t done the work to be ready for it. That’s a hard truth to swallow. I always say, “You can’t be happy with someone else if you’re not happy with yourself.” I kissed a lot of frogs before I found my prince. The wild thing is, most of those frogs are still single—and not because they’re unlucky. It’s because they haven’t grown.

What drove me crazy when I was single was how inconsiderate some men were with time. If you make plans, show up—or at the very least, cancel. Basic decency, right? Some guys are just cowards. (Yeah, I said it.)

I see some of my girlfriends struggling with dating, and I get it—it’s brutal out there. But if you love yourself, exude confidence, and respect the feelings of others, you’re already ahead of the game. One of my go-to lines:

“You have to be the person you want to be in a relationship before you’re in a relationship.”

If you’re out partying three nights a week, fine—but consider how someone seeking real commitment might perceive that. A real partner wants peace, not pettiness. He’s not looking for someone to spiral because he forgot the anniversary of your first kiss.

Matchmaking isn’t just about chemistry—it’s about timing, emotional readiness, and intention. Love deserves thought. Always.

You're in Charge of Your Love Life

A comment was made to me recently that stirred up some emotions I hadn’t encountered in a while. I won’t repeat it—it’s not worth incriminating anyone—but it made me reflect on my dating journey.

I’ve told several people in my life how grateful I am to have met someone truly special at 30. Honestly, if I had settled down with the first person I fell in love with, I’d probably be unhappy now. If you’ve followed my blogs, you know I’ve met all kinds of men—each one teaching me something about what I truly want and need in a partner.

Call me naïve, but I genuinely believe that being single as long as I was prepared me to fully appreciate the Comedian. Sometimes, it feels like serendipity. I gave a few men second chances—trying to let go of the superficial standards I had in my early 20s—but those experiences flopped. And just when I gave up, shifted my focus, and stopped chasing... he appeared. Out of nowhere. Like God had been preparing me for him all along.

I don’t believe in a perfect person, but I do believe there’s a perfect person for me. And that’s what really matters.

That comment—the one that hit a nerve—reminded me that I do know what I have, and I am lucky. But more importantly, it reminded me how essential it is to know yourself. Know your wants. Your needs. Your limits. Your growth edges. No one else can define your destiny except you.

I recently rewatched The Wedding Date, and one quote hit me:

“Every woman has the exact love life she wants.”

At first, I bristled. But then I thought about it more. There’s a reason we date certain people, even the wrong ones. My advice? Get curious about those patterns. Dig deep. Ask yourself: What am I looking for? What am I avoiding? What am I attracting, and why?

Because once you know those answers, your love life starts aligning with your actual desires—not just your fears or habits. And that’s when the real magic begins.

You’re in charge of your love life. Always.