A Commitphobe strikes again!

Bytes-Advice.jpg

I am sincerely honored to get asked advice from someone who I normally speak to in my social circle.  Thank you so much for reading my blog! Here goes:

Dear Val,

I have fallen for a commitphobe guy which I dated for 2 months. He has been in relationships up to 5 years but only because of his children. Every time we got close to one another he would pull away. Last week, he introduced me to his friend and cousin. Then next day, I noticed texts were getting colder. That Saturday we met up again, I felt his coldness when we attended his partner's party. That's when we finally had a massive argument. He made excuses that I was disrespecting him at his partner's party, like crossing my arms and not turning my face from me. He took photos of me crossing my arms to prove it to me. He then stormed out of party and asked "Where shall I take you?" He wanted to go home and said I should go home too. I was confused, distraught, and didn't easily leave. I tried to reason with him but it got worse.

Since that day he's been stalking my Facebook and putting sarcastic posts up. I cropped one of photos up from the party and posted it not in a bad way. He then posted he needs a vacation and was writing to his friends to go away next week for his birthday to Istanbul.
1. He knew I wanted to go to Istanbul and worse still is I booked the trip.
2. Also knows paid for a bed , breakfast & dinner date, and a yacht for his birthday.
He has also cropped my pic out and posted as profile pic.
When I post pics from party he likes them of course sarcastically to hurt me or puts quotes he will be in a relationship in 2016.  I sent him a few pics of him from party and he sent me the 2 pics with me looking other way or crossing arms.
This is just an excuse, why doesn't he move on then or delete me instead of checking my posts and being bitter.
I should move on yes but it does hurt me. I am fed up with his mind games but I miss him too in some sense.
Could you give me any advice, please?
Sincerely,
K
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
Dear K,
First and foremost, I would like to thank you seeking advice from me.  I really appreciate it.
Second, here's my advice...
I'm not sure of your friend's previous situation however it seems he is extremely emotionally immature and not ready for a real relationship.  Some commitophobes tend to make excuses to not get into another relationship one way or another.  He has to be hurt from some previous experience to be scared to want to commit again.
From your email, I noticed there is some abusive behavior that is not healthy for you or for him for that matter.  You were probably excited to share the pictures from the party and his response was negative.  This is a classic case of trying to build his ego.  He is only concerned about making himself feel good and not with your own well being.
If there's any way for you to potentially go on the trip with a good friend of yours at another time without a huge penalty, I would recommend that.  The reason why some guys don't let someone go is because they do not like the idea of rejection.  Again, it boosts his ego knowing that he can always go to you when he needs you.  This does nothing for you, only causes you confusion and pain.
Like I told a friend not too long ago, if you love something let it go and if it comes back it's yours.  In this case, your guy here needs to grow up emotionally a little bit before he can have someone significant in his life.
As hard as it is to walk away from someone you fell for, do it for yourself.  You will be much happier in the long run.  Relationships are not supposed to be this hard so early.  It is supposed to be all butterflies in your stomach, happy moments, and longing to be with that person ALL of the time.
You're absolutely right.  It's going to suck for a little while.  Put yourself first.  You should be number one in your life all of the time.  Loving yourself only makes it easier for someone else to love you.  Trust me, I've been there, I remember the happy moments and wonder why I ended things but then I realize I love myself too much to put myself through the pain again.
Let me know how you're doing through the process.  I can suggest some books or even podcasts to listen to that will make you feel better while you are going through the break up.
Sincerely,
Val

Caller Smart - The app that will block catfishing

ZRxizpcr_400x400.png

Have you ever wondered how to prevent potential Catfishing or ending up in a situation like my friend from one of my previous blogs, What's your last name again?   Well, guess what?  There's an app for that! Katie from Caller Smart reached out to me to spread the word on how their app can help eliminate the possibility of having the wool pulled over your eyes.  It can happen to anyone.  Imagine being at a bar and you exchange phone numbers with a guy that has just made you giggle for the last half an hour.  What if you can look up his phone number to solidify that he is actually who he says he is.  Not only that, but there is a forum on Caller Smart  where other gals can put comments about that particular person under their phone number.  Just another saving grace that will keep you from dating someone who potentially just want to get into your pants.

Food & Drink

Katie Boudreau from Caller Smart explained during our interview that the app is a community phone book that is free and available on the iTunes store.  There are additional services such as background checks that cost a little extra through a 3rd party site.  What you do is look up a phone number and check out whether there are any comments regarding the person in question.  This also works for telephone scams.  When did it become okay for telemarketers to call our cell phones??  You can leave feedback on the number as well letting the world know how awful of a tipper the guy was or whether he was just scamming to get into your panties.  The comments are monitored so keep the raunchy language at home.

Katie said that privacy is taken very seriously and you can only search by phone number not by name.  What was also really interesting is that there are scammers out there who target those in their silver years.  It reminds me of the days I was a telemarketer myself and sold credit cards to my elders. (sigh... college jobs but the past is the past) There are people out there who claim to fall in love with those who are older and alone.  Then they convince them to send them money.  That's sooo awful!

Keep yourself safe and those you love safer from scams, deuchebags, and just really really bad people.  Download the Caller Smart app from the iTunes store or check out their website at CallerSmart.com.

ZRxizpcr_400x400

Wedding Cake Rant (aka I Don’t Even Like Cake)

IMG_8252-1-e1464053672139.jpg

I have a confession... I don’t like cake.
There, I said it. That’s my struggle.

The wedding industry wants me to drop $500 on something I don’t even enjoy eating. Meanwhile, my fiancé does like cake, so the battle isn't totally lost. I get it—I want that cheesy, adorable moment of smashing cake in his face too. But y’all... the price tags? Out of control.

You could say I’m unconventional. That’s what makes me... well, me. I wasn’t the girl who dreamed of a huge, elaborate wedding growing up. I’m not a princess. If someone tries to put a tiara on my head, I will scream.

I’m a people person. And when marriage became a real thing, I started planning the stuff that actually mattered to me. Like the sound of Spanish guitar during the ceremony—because my dad, uncles, and cousins all played growing up. It’s part of who I am. The rest? I just want a party. The kind where people are smiling, dancing, eating too much, laughing until they cry, and celebrating love. Our love. That’s the dream.

But can we talk about how everything is so freakin’ expensive?

I’ll be real with you. Spending more than $500 on a wedding dress gave me actual heartburn. I tried watching Say Yes to the Dress once, but when I heard the prices those brides were throwing down for a dress they’ll wear for five hours, I almost passed out. One boutique called and said their starting price was $3,000. I said, “Say what now?! Starting?!”

And don’t even get me started on invitations and cake. Like... I know most guests will toss the invite the second they drop it in their calendar app, so why am I paying $7 each for embossed cardstock? I just want to not feel like I have to DIY my entire wedding just to avoid going broke.

To be clear: If you can afford the dream wedding, do it. More power to you. This isn’t a knock on anyone’s big day. This is just me, in my feelings, wondering if I can throw a meaningful, beautiful, unforgettable celebration without breaking the bank.

My mission? Spend as little as possible and still have the night of our lives.
I just wish the second you say the word “wedding,” the price tag didn’t triple.

And We Watched Football

388864_10101538926106561_1331295717_n.jpg

We looked at the stars while he passed me my drink. This—this was how I always imagined life should feel. The beach chairs in his parents’ backyard gave us the perfect view of a sparkling night sky.

I met Pedro through a mutual friend at a club. From the start, our personalities just clicked. I couldn’t quite pinpoint what attracted me to him—it wasn’t his style or even his looks. There was just something about him that made me stay.

“Hey, the game will be on in about 30 minutes. You wanna jump in the pool for a quick swim before kickoff?” he asked, a little too confidently.

I nodded, smiling. We stripped down to our underwear and I jumped in first, only to realize—I forgot my drink.

“Hey, Pedro!” I called, “Can you grab our drinks?”

He turned around, grabbed our red plastic cups, and walked them over to the edge of the pool. But instead of handing them to me like a gentleman, he splashed me right in the face.

“Hey! My hair isn’t naturally curly!” I yelled through laughter.

He handed me my drink, and we slipped into a conversation about how stars were formed, wondering if they’d still exist at the end of the world. You know, nerdy stuff—the kind of talk that makes you feel like the only two people on Earth.

Maybe it was the high. Maybe the drinks. Maybe the chemistry. Whatever it was, I was having a blast.

Pedro eventually climbed out of the pool, grabbed our towels, and reminded me the game was about to start. It was our team—one we weirdly always watched together because they won every time we did. Superstitious? Maybe. But we didn’t mess with the ritual.

His parents were out of town visiting family in California, so there was no need for me to rush home. Still, I couldn’t help but notice: he was in his 30s and still living at home. I didn’t know when he’d last been in a real relationship. It was clear he wasn’t in any rush to settle down.

But in that moment, I didn’t care. I enjoyed him. There were no expectations, even though feelings were starting to bubble beneath the surface. I knew deep down that this wouldn’t last—but it didn’t make the memories any less special.

I plopped onto the long sectional while he settled into the recliner.

“Hey,” he said, looking over, “Come over here.”

I didn’t hesitate. I curled into his lap just as the game began. We clinked cups, I grabbed snacks from the table, and we rode the emotional rollercoaster that is football.

Honestly, I don’t know what’s more dramatic—watching Grey’s Anatomy kill off yet another character or watching this team blow a lead in the last five minutes. Either way, my heart can only take so much.

We laughed, shouted, cheered, and—yes—I gave up too early, and he teased me for it. But our team won. And for the two of us, it felt like magic.

Later, we made our way to his childhood bedroom. And what happened after that?

Well, let’s just say—I never kiss and tell.

“What If?” Is a Scary Phrase

IMG_4672.jpg

Recently, a close friend of mine lost his father. Naturally, it got me thinking about my relationship with mine.

The first thing that hit me—hard—was the reminder that life is fleeting. People come and go. Bad things happen, good things happen. There are moments of pure joy and relationships that shape us… and sometimes break us. Some of those memories have even led me into hours of therapy I’m still not sure how I paid for. But I digress.

My younger sister, dad, and me

I didn’t have a close relationship with my dad growing up. He just wasn’t around. That’s not to say he didn’t care—it’s just complicated. Military life comes with its own set of rules. For one, I never had a friend longer than two years. Not because I wasn’t a good friend, but because we all moved constantly. I still remember my best friend from elementary school moving to Alaska. (How were we supposed to keep in touch without the internet back then?)

My dad spent nights on base, weekends in training, and eventually re-enlisted after a short-lived retirement—this time in Panama. Needless to say, he missed some of the most awkward and formative years of my life: the teenage ones. And honestly, I’m still not sure about all the reasons why he wasn’t around more.

Then, when I was about 27, something shifted. Out of nowhere, my dad reappeared and started reaching out consistently. We don’t see each other all the time, but we email regularly. And through those conversations, I’ve started to see parts of myself in him. I finally understand where my personality came from.

Still, I can’t help but wonder about the future.

Even something as joyful as wedding planning has brought its challenges. Getting a response from him about anything is like pulling teeth. And while I want him involved, I feel caught between not wanting to try too hard and fearing the regret of never having tried enough.

I want him to be part of my life now. I want him to be part of my future kids’ lives. I want him to show up—not just for the big events, but the small moments too.

I don’t want to look back and ask, “What if I had tried harder to build that relationship?”
Because, honestly? That’s all I really want.
A better relationship—before it’s too late.

My dad back in the day on the bottom right corner

Wedding Planning is for the Birds

ValGio-5.jpg

Val&Gio (11)

If anyone really knows me, they know one thing for sure: I sincerely don’t like being the center of attention. I’d much rather mingle through the crowd, getting to know people one-on-one. Honestly, I turn beet red every time someone sings “Happy Birthday” to me.

So what does that say about my experience becoming a bride?
Let’s just say… it’s been a ride.

Every time someone asks, “So how’s wedding planning going?” I feel a wave of anxiety. Don’t get me wrong—I’m a hustler. I work in operations for a living! I get stuff done. And yes, almost everything is already planned: venue booked, dress picked, details organized. All that’s left is the wedding cake, bridesmaids’ dresses, and a few tiny odds and ends.

But what’s been keeping me up at night isn’t the timeline—it’s the budget.

I’ve always been good at saving, but this kind of expense? It’s on another level. Our parents have helped out tremendously (thank you, thank you), but let’s be real: weddings are expensive. I didn’t realize flowers cost that much until I saved $100 by removing one rose from each centerpiece. One. Single. Rose. INSANE.

If I had all the money in the world, I’d cover the whole room in florals, hire flamenco dancers, and throw in a photo booth with props for days. But we’re just two middle-class Americans trying to make magic happen on a not-so-magical budget. And honestly? That’s okay.

downtown orlando, lake eola, engagement, photos

People keep telling me, “Just enjoy the process!” And I try. I really do. I love planning parties. I love organizing. But I also like knowing I can afford what I’m putting together. I think some people stress over the details because they want to please everyone. They want everything to be perfect. But I’ve learned (sometimes the hard way) that nothing ever goes exactly as planned. And that's not the point anyway.

Luckily, we've been blessed by generous friends and family doing us favors. That has meant everything. Now, my next task is building the wedding day timeline. Who knew every single detail needed to be mapped out? (Thanks, bridezillas. You've raised the bar for those of us just trying to keep it cool.)

On a brighter note—we got some of our engagement photos back! They turned out so sweet. Go ahead, take a peek and smile with us.

Don't Get in that Car

12835441443_5137898ccb_z.jpg

I recently heard something on the radio that shook me. A young woman had been raped after getting into a car with a stranger.

My first thought? Why would anyone get into a car with someone they don’t know?
But I had to pause. Because while it might seem obvious to some of us, we live in a world where people are taught to be polite—sometimes at the expense of their safety.

Maybe it’s my thick skin. Maybe it’s the close calls I’ve had. But I believe we need to talk more honestly about the decisions we make and how to protect ourselves—not with blame or shame, but with clarity.

We’re all taught about “stranger danger” as kids, but somehow, that lesson fades as we grow up. Yet the risks don’t. According to the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN), most sexual assaults are committed by someone the victim knows—but that doesn’t mean trusting a stranger is any safer.

A recent social experiment on YouTube (watch here: Social Experiment on Stranger Danger) showed just how easy it is for people to let their guard down. It’s chilling to see women voluntarily get into a car with someone they just met.

I speak from experience. I haven’t always made the safest choices, and I say this with empathy, not judgment. I know what it’s like to want to believe in the good in people. But there’s a line between being optimistic and being unprotected.

Let’s look at another scenario:
You meet a guy at a bar. He’s charming, the vibe is right, and then he invites you to his place after.
What do you think is going to happen? A long, respectful conversation about art and philosophy? Probably not.

One of my favorite lines from How I Met Your Mother says it best:

“Nothing good happens after 2 a.m.”

Go home. Protect your dignity and your peace. If he’s a good guy, he’ll call. If he doesn’t? He never was.

I get it—insecurities sometimes make us crave validation. Sometimes curiosity gets the better of us. And sometimes we just don’t want to be alone. I’ve been there.

But the truth is, many of my worst dates and most regrettable choices could’ve been avoided if I’d put my self-worth first. That’s the lesson I’m sharing here—not to shame, but to empower.

I also believe God doesn’t put us through anything we can’t handle. Sometimes we fall so we can rise stronger. But we can minimize how hard we fall by listening to our gut, learning from the past, and choosing ourselves first.

If you or someone you know is struggling, confused, or carrying the weight of a sexual assault, I’m here to listen—no judgment, just support. That goes for men and women alike.

You are worth protecting. You are worth waiting for. You are worthy—period.

Achievement Lately: When Netflix Inspires You to Get Off the Couch

FullSizeRender.jpg

I’ve been thinking a lot about achievement lately.

So there I was, deep into a House of Cards binge—watching fictional politicians claw their way to the top of the power ladder—while I sat comfortably on the couch doing the exact opposite. The irony, right? But in my defense, I was multitasking. Kind of.

Somewhere between episode five and a second bowl of popcorn, this familiar pounding started in my chest. Not anxiety. Not caffeine. But that persistent feeling that I need to write this book.

I’ve been dodging this story for a while because, honestly, it’s a heavy one. It’s complicated. It's traumatic. It’s the kind of story that makes your hands tremble before they hit the keyboard. But it’s also the story that could save someone else from making the same mistake.

And maybe that’s the reason it keeps tugging at me.

It was the most traumatic experience of my life. It opened my eyes to the dark corners of the world—and the kinds of people who prey on the naive, the hopeful, the trusting. People say I’m strong, and I appreciate that, but strength isn’t something you wake up with. It’s forged. And this experience… forged me.

The good news? Last night, I wrote.

And when I wrote, I felt okay. Actually okay. I expected to feel panic, or to break down, or to stop halfway through. But I didn’t. It was like something had shifted. Maybe years of therapy and prayer actually worked. Maybe I’m finally on the other side of it.

So why write it now?

Because the story matters. Because I’m not the only one it’s happened to—and I won’t be the last if no one speaks up. Because a man who once lured me with a dream was later arrested for grand larceny. Because closure isn’t always silent; sometimes it’s written.

I’ve drafted versions of this book for years. None of them stuck. But this time feels different. It feels right. And if God keeps nudging me toward it, then maybe it’s finally time to listen. Every time I ignore it, the guilt grows louder. And honestly? I’m tired of carrying it.

So yes, I’ll write the book.

But also, yes—I will finish House of Cards.

Balance, people.

Commitaphobes vs. Monogamers: How the Runner Fell in Love with the Stayer

IMG_7914.jpg

A good friend of mine—“Los” (short for Carlos)—and I have had countless conversations about the two very real types of people you meet in the dating world: commitaphobes and monogamers.

I'll admit it. For a long time, I was a full-blown commitaphobe. There was a moment when I was literally on the verge of marriage and all I could think was: how far can I run before he catches on? I’d date just long enough to enjoy the thrill but not long enough to be vulnerable. For me, leaving was safer than the risk of being left.

Turns out, abandonment issues have a funny way of shaping your love life.

Then I met “The Comedian.”

And wouldn’t you know it? He was a textbook monogamer. What’s a monogamer, you ask? It’s someone who’s pretty much always in a relationship. My younger sister is one too—rarely single, always in love, thriving in companionship. Same with my fiancé. He loves being in love.

When I met him, I couldn’t help but wonder: What makes me different from the others? Was I just another long-term situation waiting to fizzle?

I knew I had to be honest from day one. I told him straight up: I’m not dating for the sake of dating. I only do real. And surprisingly… so did he. We had this magnetic pull—maybe it was chemistry, maybe it was divine timing, maybe it was the law of attraction finally giving me what I’d been asking for.

Whatever it was, it changed me.

There was a shift inside me when I met The Comedian. I knew it would take someone truly special for me to finally stay. He’s my Mr. Big. (My ex? Total Aidan. Too nice. Too stable. Too easy to run from.)

relationships, love, dating, the comedian

Over the years, I’ve encountered both monogamers and commitaphobes—and yeah, I’ll admit it: I kind of loved the chase. The guys who were hard to get? That was my jam. The ones who made it too easy? Yawn. I’d bolt the other way. Something about the drama, the tension, the unhealthy challenge (lol)—I was hooked.

Looking back, it was all part of my very own Sex and the City love story. Carrie Bradshaw said it best:

“I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.”

the comedian, corks

And somehow, a monogamer and a commitaphobe made it work. He brings out the best in me, and I’m learning—slowly, beautifully—how to be vulnerable. He loves me for my heart, and I love him for helping me grow into someone I didn’t think I could be.

If you’re out there searching for love, maybe you’re a runner too. Maybe you’re waiting for someone to convince you to stay. Or maybe, just maybe, you’ll find your version of Mr. Big who makes you stop running and start trusting.

I know I did.

5 Ways to Boost Your Confidence (Even on the Tough Days)

IMG_6784-2.jpg

Being a strong woman in a world that’s constantly trying to dim your light can be exhausting. I literally just finished reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert—after putting it off for ages and watching the movie at least 500 times—and her story left me inspired. Especially her time in India, which helped her reclaim her confidence.

It’s easy to forget how beautiful, smart, sassy, and downright unstoppable we are. So on those days when you’re feeling just a bit “meh,” here are five ways to pick yourself up and remind the world exactly who you are.

1. Dress the Way You Want to Feel

It’s wild what clothes can do for our self-esteem. Ever looked in the mirror and said, “Damn, I look good”? You can feel like that every day.

You’ve heard it before:

“Dress for the job you want.”

Well, dress for the mood you want to. Want to feel sexy? Rock that lace thong that makes you feel like a total vixen. Need to own the day? Slip on your favorite power suit. What you wear on the outside can shift everything on the inside.

2. Drop the Negativity

Negativity is sneaky. Sometimes it comes disguised as friends, gossip, or “just venting.” And yes, it’s easy to get sucked in—hello, reality TV addiction—but it’s toxic to your confidence.

Here’s a little truth bomb: some people are in your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. If their season has ended and they’re dragging you down, it’s time to lovingly let go. Confidence starts with you, not what they think of you.

3. Talk to Yourself (In a Good Way)

Yes, I mean it—talk to yourself in the mirror. Find a mantra and say it daily. Something like:

“I am beautiful, and no one is going to dim my shine today.”

Or…

“I am a force, and today is mine to own.”

At first, it may feel silly. But self-talk is powerful. Say it until you believe it. And if you don’t believe it? Say it again. And again.

4. Move That Body

You don’t need a gym membership—just move. Dance in your kitchen, go for a walk, do a quick YouTube workout. Exercise releases endorphins, those magical chemicals that make you feel good (think baby laughter, but internal).

And beyond that, it gives you more energy, a better mood, and a serious glow-up in the confidence department.

5. Surround Yourself with Positivity

You are the company you keep. Hang with people who challenge you, uplift you, and believe in your greatness. I’ve been blessed with incredible friends who inspire me every time we’re together—smart, strong, and endlessly supportive.

Yes, it took a while to clear the toxic energy, but it was worth every bit of that journey. Find a mentor, lean into your tribe, and watch your confidence soar.

One final thought: these are tips, not a cure. If you’re experiencing depression, please seek help. As someone who’s been there, I know it’s not easy to get out of your own way. You don’t have to go it alone.

So stay sassy, stay confident, and never forget:
You are the most beautiful woman in the world.

Friends, confidence