Why I Do Not Believe in Soulmates and What I Believe Instead

I Do Not Believe in Soulmates

I do not believe in soulmates.

I believe there are several people on this earth you could maintain a real connection with, if both parties are putting in effort and choosing each other on purpose.

And I say that as someone who sincerely thought my ex husband was my soulmate.

When I Thought My Ex Husband Was My Soulmate

When we met, I assumed we were both very attracted to each other. We had the same wants. We had the same values. We loved talking for hours on the phone with a glass of wine. We spent weekends together, and it was a great beginning of a relationship.

The honeymoon period lasted way longer than it normally would for a lot of people. I feel like we sincerely had a good connection.

I adored his mom and his dad. I loved the relationship we had, especially in the beginning.

The Part Where I Showed Up, Over and Over

I supported him through all of his endeavors.

I supported him when he wanted to become a comedian, going to comedy nights with him two, three times a week.

I supported him when he decided he did not want to do comedy anymore and he wanted to do a podcast, like a video thing with his best friend. I supported him through that too. I went to a conference with him, everything.

I supported him when he decided to become more of a radicalized Christian in church.

I supported him when he wanted to go to school.

I supported him even though he told me about his finances after we got married.

I supported him through everything.

Granted, I am not innocent either.

He supported me while I got my MBA.

He supported me with my crazy ideas, like traveling, and me being the typical Gemini that I am.

There was a time we had scheduled to go on a cruise in the Mediterranean and we could not really afford it. I was freelancing full time and he was supporting us in a lot of ways, but we went anyway. It was very tight financially, and he still supported me.

He supported me with my social calendar too.

We both tried to create boundaries, like not scheduling more than one social event a day, especially on weekends, because going back and forth all the time is exhausting. He did not do well with that.

I supported his ADHD.

And he attempted to support my high sex drive.

When the Mask Started to Come Off

Over time, I started realizing he was not necessarily attracted to me physically in the way I had become accustomed to in the past with other partners.

And instead of communication and him trying to understand who I am, little things would happen that bothered me. They were like small moments that added up into a bigger feeling.

For example, we went on a couples trip one year for someone’s birthday, I do not remember whose birthday it was. All the husbands and boyfriends knew their significant other’s sandwich order. My ex husband did not know mine, and we had been together for years at that point.

It felt like he never really took the opportunity to get to know me in the way that matters.

Then there was my birthday gift that still makes me pause when I think about it.

I have PCOS. Yes, I grow hair on my face. It is a symptom. I try to eliminate it as much as possible because it is an insecurity of mine.

For my birthday one year, he got me a magnifying mirror because he said sometimes I miss spots on my face.

That kind of thing, those little jabs at my appearance, they land. Even if he thinks they should not.

And I noticed something else too.

When I lost about 15 pounds and I was at my lowest weight, he became more sexually aggressive toward me, like more attracted to me. And I felt turned off by that. At the time I was doing HCG shots and my libido was shot anyway. I had no interest in sex at that time.

But the bigger point is this.

I wanted to feel wanted. I wanted to feel desired. I wanted to feel like my partner saw me and chose me, not just when I fit some version of what he imagined.

The Shift That Changed Everything

For a long time, I believed he was the one. He was it. I was not going to be with anybody else for the rest of my life.

Then divorce happened, and my perception of the soulmate idea changed.

Because once you have been all in, fully committed, truly believing you found your person, and then you watch that reality fall apart, it does something to you.

It made me question the whole concept.

Not love. Not commitment. Not devotion.

The idea that there is only one person on this planet who is meant for you.

I do not believe that anymore.

And honestly, I do not even know if I was his soulmate, if soulmates are a thing. Sometimes I felt like he was choosing to be with me, which is amazing, but also like he might have been settling for me because I was not physically what he imagined himself being with.

Maybe I am putting words in his mouth. Maybe he would disagree with that completely.

But I can only tell you what it felt like from my side.

What Happened After Divorce

After I got divorced, I got into a relationship shortly after with a really good friend of mine.

And I thought, maybe this is my soulmate. We have been friends for a long time. We got along really, really well.

But in hindsight, we were just better as friends.

I really wanted it to work in the beginning. In any relationship, I always want it to work, because who likes to break up with somebody, right.

We are still friends. We still have a good rapport. We still get along. We did a podcast together, and even on the podcast our rapport was very good.

Sometimes connection is real, and it is still not the right romantic match.

That matters.

Then I met my ex, the scientist, and he would always tell me, you are my soulmate, you are this and that.

And I did not know how to tell him I do not believe in soulmates.

Because if anything proved to me that my ex husband was not my soulmate, then I do not know what else could.

Dating Again, Without Expectations, Has Actually Calmed My Anxiety

As I have been embarking on this new dating experience and trying to uncover a little bit more about myself, I have noticed something.

It has relaxed my anxiety to not add expectations onto the person I may or may not be talking to.

It is not that I do not care.

It is more like, I am not placing all of this pressure on a stranger to be my future, my plan, my person, my everything.

And that has been freeing.

Reconnecting With Someone From My Past Taught Me Something Real

I connected with someone from my past that I dated 18 years ago, a long time ago.

And I found it interesting because when you are in a relationship, it is one thing to have the same values when you first get together.

But it is also about growing together within those values, right.

Innately you are still the same person at the heart, but some things might change over time.

And to me, that is a great representation of choosing each other and choosing to be in the relationship every single day.

When I reconnected with him, I realized him and I had grown in similar ways throughout time.

We both went to therapy.

We both connected with Christianity in a way that helped us grow, in conjunction with therapy.

And when we started talking again, it was like all the boxes were checked, but there was still this gray area because I was not necessarily ready for a relationship.

But I was entertaining conversations about the future, checking boxes, and all of that.

Unfortunately, it did not work out, for very personal reasons that I am not going to discuss on the blog.

But with that being said, it was pretty cool to see somebody you already knew it did not work out with in the past, and realize you grew in similar ways anyway.

To reconnect and see how their growth molded them into the person they are today.

My New Dating Rule: I Do Not Reach Out First

As I continue to embark on this dating thing, I also realize, especially on the apps, there is a huge difference between me reaching out to someone as a woman versus someone reaching out to me.

So I have made it a rule to not reach out first, because it changes the intent of the communication.

Now, if the person reaches out first, it is different. And I have noticed it.

I know it has only been a few weeks since I started my dating journey again. I am only on one app.

But this difference has been great.

Not Being Anxious About Being Chosen Has Changed Everything

Also, not having the anxiety of not being chosen has relieved me of the responsibility of seeking a relationship.

And I am loving it.

I am enjoying it.

And I am looking forward to what the next few months bring.

So If Not Soulmates, Then What

This is what I believe instead of soulmates.

There are multiple people you could build something meaningful with.

But it only works when both people choose it.

When both people show up.

When both people put in effort.

When both people are honest about what they want, and they live like they want it.

That is the difference between a fantasy and a relationship.

If you want, I can also add a short conclusion that ties all of this together with one clean takeaway sentence, still in your voice, so the ending hits a little harder.

Yes add a short conclusion… this is good

Conclusion

So no, I do not believe in soulmates.

I believe in choice. I believe in effort. I believe in two people growing, messing up, repairing, learning, and still choosing each other anyway. And right now, dating without forcing outcomes, letting people show me who they are, and not carrying the weight of being the pursuer has been the most peaceful thing I have done for myself in a long time.

If the right person comes, I will know, not because the universe wrote it in the stars, but because we will both choose it.