Dating After Divorce: How I Learned to Trust Again

I didn’t want to be single. The idea of going out into the dating world scared me. I knew that if I could find someone stable, someone I knew, that I wouldn’t have to endure the dating scene. I loved being a wife. I loved the routine of Sundays where I would meal plan for the rest of the week. I loved having someone to come home to. The problem was towards the end of my marriage, I became extremely lonely. There was a rhetoric that was being forced onto me when I wasn’t ready to be the Christian he wanted me to be. When I questioned anything, the answer was always prayer to God. Though comforting, it was never the full solution. I felt alone and unseen. 

I won’t go into the details of the demise of my marriage. I’ll share that at another time. Today, I want to talk about what it was like going into the cesspool they call the dating scene and learning to trust someone again. 

The biggest issue with the end of my relationship was the scars were invisible. That’s the thing about being with someone who is a covert narcissist. They are so charming to the rest of the world, everyone loves him, but at home, he’s a different person. You don’t get the charm. You get the gaslighting, silent treatments, and the mental load piled on. 

Avoiding the Dating Scene

I will be honest, I was not completely divorced when I began my first relationship. At the time, my ex husband and I were separated, practically no contact, for about a month. This relationship honestly came out of nowhere. In my marriage, I wanted him to be my best friend. I really wanted someone I could be 100% myself around without being criticized for saying something inappropriate, drinking too much, or any other criticism he had of me. When a friend of mine for 16 years, who I found attractive and had a crush on before I got married asked if we should give it a shot, I was excited. 

I thought this was what I wanted. What I realized was I still had scarring from my marriage. I was so afraid to express my feelings. I was afraid of being rejected but I forced myself to say what was on my heart because I knew I didn’t want to end up in the same position I was before. I was lucky because this person, we’ll call him “the teacher”, was emotionally willing and able to take what I was saying and actually listen. 

The day I went to the courthouse to get divorced, he met me right after to comfort me. It was a really difficult time but I am grateful for him. We had a great time just talking. We laughed, spent our weekends together, and genuinely enjoyed each other's company. 

We dated for 9 months and realized we were better friends than lovers. I do not regret having this relationship because it healed me. I forced myself to express my feelings when in the past I would get lectured on how I should give those emotions to God or that I wasn’t making any sense. This person actually listened, gave me his thoughts, and it felt like a coherent relationship. 

Well, as I came to find out, I wasn’t completely healed. When we broke up, I was scared to go out into the dating pool. I heard so many horror stories, worse than what I encountered when I was single. But if I wanted to get back to the wife routine, I was willing to embark on this new journey.

First Dates: Fears, Flaws, and Fun

It took me a little over a month to be ready to actually meet someone off the dating apps. I recall talking to some great people and postponing dates because I simply wasn’t ready. I was still reeling from the breakup. I’m kind of bummed that I did that. In hindsight, it was all for the best because if I wasn’t emotionally ready, then I couldn’t give my all to a new person. 

I am going to toot my horn a little bit. Though, I realize I am not the skinniest person in the world, I know I am attractive to those who like a little extra, smart, financially stable, and I can carry a conversation. I did not have doubts about finding people to talk to. All in all, the “talking” part before meeting someone was what I excelled at in the past. 

I did have a list of wants before going into the dating world. Initially, I started with Bumble, Hinge, and Upward (a Christian dating app). I didn’t realize how many fake accounts would contact me. 

Hint: if they only want to talk on WhatsApp and refuse to talk to you on a regular text or phone call, it's likely a hoax. Walk away. They aren’t real. 

I think my first real date after my break up was on a trip to New York. I decided I was going to take it upon myself to travel. I didn’t want any celebrations or dinners to plan. I wanted to walk around, see parks, eat great food, and enjoy the nightlife the way I wanted to. I changed my location on Hinge to New York City a week prior and started chatting with several men right away. I found it overwhelming to be honest. Then again, I’m a woman from a smaller city. New York City saw a new person and it hit me all at once. 

I was immediately entranced by one person. Let’s call him the Soccer Player. He met me at my hotel with flowers and took me to a few bars since we met later in the night. We stayed up until 4 AM talking about our pasts, laughing, and drinking. He had to work the next day but promised to see me the following day, which he did. We went to a speakeasy where I remember my cousin who was dogsitting called and I became tearful after seeing my husky on FaceTime. The Soccer Player and I stayed up until late as well. 

What I wasn’t prepared for was what happened after. The Soccer Player practically ghosted me. I reached about before leaving to continue our conversations and he barely responded. Needless to say, months later, I read this book called How Not to Die Alone and decided to reach out. He admitted he didn’t want to be in a long distance relationship and then our conversations turned very sexual. I stopped talking to him. 

Learning to Build New Boundaries

As someone who went through couple’s counseling, accelerated response therapy, and read a lot of relationship books. I knew what I wanted or rather what I wanted to look for. I wasn’t giving into one night stands or manipulative men. I did make some mistakes by being a little too direct with my feelings when someone called their ex wife a b**tch when she refused to let him see his kids. I should had just brushed that off as someone who was frustrated but I digress. 

It was a strange world for me because I did date men. We went to dinner and they would not make a move on the first date. This was wild to me. In the past, they would try to get into my pants the first opportunity they got. I don’t know if this was a weird phenomenon, maybe men were more weary about making the first move because of the #MeToo movement, or it was the type of men I was meeting during this time in my life. Maybe my vibe was completely different. 

I did date the Car Salesman for two weeks. Initially, he didn’t make a move on me until our second meeting. We became inseparable for two weeks but there were some red flags I couldn't ignore. I ended up calling him out and ended the short lived relationship. 

I had finally learned, though I had been historically an anxious attachment style, that it was okay to let bad things go even if it was hard. I still would have an anxious attachment style because of abandonment issues I dealt with stemming from my father and repeated with my family and ex husband but that was the healing I had to endure in my current relationship. Those are some deep wounds that have invisible scars that exist today but much less visible with the secure place I am today. 

It’s Okay to Begin Again

Though I was intimidated by the dating scene after getting divorced, I realized it was worth it in the end. Yes, everyone comes with their own scars. I believe at the end of the day, the marker of a good relationship is how you recover from conflict. 

Dating in your 40s is especially difficult because there are so many men who have wounds from past relationships, they carry baggage, and there’s the added complexity of children. Nothing against single dads, but you’re not just dating them, you’re dating their family dynamic.

I do not regret leaving my marriage. I do regret not doing it sooner as the red flags were peering their ugly heads for three years. I was filled with too much guilt from my wrongdoings to think I deserved something better. All in all, it is okay to begin again. It may look hard in the beginning because you have to deal with the healing from your previous relationships but I guarantee that with help from therapy, some prayer or meditation, journaling and self reflection, you’ll be in a better place. Time will heal the wounds and you’ll be better prepared to see the warning signs clearer.