Letter to My Exes and Whoever’s Next

This is a thank you, a goodbye, and a promise.

To the Teacher

First, I want to thank you.

You came at a time when I needed somebody to hold on to the most. You were not only a friend, but you also gave me the comfort that I needed in a very difficult part of my life.

I do not consider you a rebound. I consider you somebody that I healed with.

You taught me what it was like to have a healthy conversation with a significant other. You taught me what it was like to laugh and enjoy a day. You reminded me what it was like to simply enjoy somebody’s presence. You reminded me what a relationship should feel like.

We remain friends, and I will always treasure what you reminded me of, because I was coming out of a marriage where I did not have a friend. I was alone.

I would seek ways to fill my loneliness in places I should not have been looking. And my ex husband did the same.

I would avoid going home just so I would not have to interact with him. I would avoid conversations or bringing things up because I knew nothing would ever get fixed. Because the times I did ask for things to get fixed, they were fixed for a short period of time, and then those actions would dissipate.

So to the Teacher, I thank you so, so much for just being who you are.

And though we did not work out in a relationship, because we are sincerely better friends, I appreciate you so much because you reminded me of things within myself that needed nurturing.

You are such an amazing soul, and I am so grateful for you.

To the Scientist

You are my rebound.

You are everything my ex husband was not. Smart, driven, accomplished, desired me and curious. And in the process, I overcorrected.

I saw safety in you. I saw a home in you.

And I sincerely remember falling asleep in your arms for the first time and being surprised, because I had not felt that kind of peace in a long time.

But that peace was short lived, unfortunately.

Whatever demons you had to struggle with, whatever things were consistently on your mind, whatever anxieties you could never calm, they were projected onto me.

And at some point, it felt like I was expected to help you with those anxieties, to help you with those demons, and to help you go through life.

That bubble we experienced, the one where I felt safe, the one where I felt loved, the one where I felt desired, the one where deep conversations were had, the one where hikes existed, and plans of the future, and all of the hopes and dreams that were supposed to be our relationship in the beginning, that bubble died as soon as you moved in with me.

And because of that, you let your depression cloud everything that was so beautiful between us.

Yes, it was the house I bought with my husband. Yes, it was not our future, but it did not have to be so hard to adjust?

Did all the weight have to be carried on my shoulders?

Just because you are a single dad and you had to carry the weight for so long does not mean that I did not have weight to carry, too.

I also had to carry weight from my previous marriage. I also had to carry the weight of the household on my shoulders. I also had to carry the emotional strain that was weighing on me because you were depressed.

And within that time, nothing was fixed. It just got worse.

The bubble simply popped, and you were no longer the safe place.

I was now the target.

I was the target of all the drunken nights where you would continually ruminate on the same thing over and over and over again.

It was not the pool party anymore. It was not the plane flight. It was not the arguments we had on trips.

It was me.

It was me pointing things out in you that you did not like to hear. It was me shining a light on your insecurities.

And because of that, you made me the bad guy.

I did it in the most loving way I thought I could. I did it the best way I possibly could, but it was still too harsh for you to handle.

Any little bit of criticism turned into a huge, overwhelming argument that was not necessary.

A simple need, asking you to help around the home a little bit more, became an accusation that you were not doing enough.

And that was never the intention.

The intention was to lift some weight off my shoulders. To get help. The help I asked for from my ex husband.

And now the pattern was repeating itself, and I did not want to hold the weight anymore.

I was tired of holding the weight.

But because you made me feel desired, and you made me feel safe at some point, and the bubble existed, I held on until I could not hold on anymore.

Until the idea of getting married scared the living wits out of me.

Because I could not imagine another 40 years with someone I had to walk on eggshells around, someone whose feelings I could not risk hurting.

And I did the best I possibly could.

To Whoever Is Next

So this is the letter to the next person, whoever you are.

I lost myself so many times in the last 13 years, and I found myself. Now I am here again. Recovering. Healing. Being the person I wanted to be for such a long time.

And I am discovering her all over again.

And this version of me is beautiful.

It is amazing.

Because I will no longer abandon myself.

I will no longer put myself in a situation where I am carrying the weight of a man on my shoulders.

It is not my job to heal you.

It is not my job to make you feel more like a man.

But it is my job to support whoever I am with, to be a partner, to be connected to them, to ensure growth with them, to be a compliment to them.

They are no longer the person who is going to tell me how to heal, tell me who I am, tell me what I should and should not do.

They will love me for who I am.

This strong, beautiful, bold person that I have become over time because of all the trials I have had to endure.

Though my two really heavy relationships weighed on me so much, I am a better person because of them.

And I do not think I would have been able to heal my trauma without these relationships.

So with that being said, I want to thank the next person that comes along.

Because you will get the best version of me, and we will live a beautiful life.

And I promise that.

Whatever I thought I left behind in relationships is no longer the same.

I was able to tie those knots.

I was able to close those holes.

And now it is just me.

Now it is just me, fulfilled.

And man, whoever is next, it is going to be a great adventure.

Signed, the woman who finally chose herself.