Over the last few months, I've been on this journey to really discover myself as a person and finally let go of all that has held me back from my past. I believe I've said this in a blog before but it seems that there has been this apparent wall that has been holding me back from really letting it all go. In my efforts to be the best version I can be for myself and my new relationship, I think I've been pushed to really let get to the nitty gritty of my past and finally face it. Overall, I am very private about what had occurred that one year in my life to those that I meet. I don't want it to define me as a person. I never wanted to be a burden for whatever reason. But I have come to learn that those who truly care about you want you don't ever see you as some pity party. They see you as you truly are.
This past weekend, I had the opportunity to really delve deep into my hidden pain and face it. I'm not one to preach to anyone, however, there is a lot of power in what Jesus has done for us. Giving himself up so we don't have to endure the pain of sin. We don't have to live in shame for what other people have done for us. We don't have to bear the burden of someone else's thoughts of who they think we are. I have found that forgiveness itself is very powerful.
Something had resided in me for so long and I thought that my strength would be best used if I repressed the pain. Making it seem that no emotion would go towards those thoughts of insecurity and shame. I would consider myself just numb to what had happened. I used my strength for all of the wrong reasons. I didn't know it at the time because I felt I was protecting myself but really, I was just repressing emotions that needed to be set free. After all of this, I realized, true strength comes to those who can forgive their attackers. Someone who can face their fear and say, "It's okay. I forgive you."
It seems so simple, however, when you confront dark pain, it takes a lot out of you. I still have some forgiving to do, but I know I'm headed in the right direction because I feel at peace and a huge weight is lift off my shoulders. Now, I am on to really living.