“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”
― Marilyn Monroe

Last night, in between watching the NBA Finals, I watched this documentary about Marilyn Monroe. Call me a history geek but I love to watch stories of famous figures and where they came from. Something about their road to fame has always intrigued me. I didn't know much about Marilyn Monroe minus the fact that she committed suicide, sang to the president and the numerous quotes I see on Facebook and Instagram.

I found that she was an extremely insecure person who hid her reality behind this persona she created. I mean, it seemed it was genius that she was this sexual temptress and knew exactly what she was was doing. But at the end of the day, it was all a rouse. Just something that she was expected to be and she put herself there. I watched her struggle through her life fighting the stigma she was thought to be from the beginning of her career. I mean she consistently read books to fight the fact that she didn't finish high school.

After watching the documentary, I came to think to myself how much I related to her at one point in my life. It was so easy to push people out instead of letting them see the demons I hid in my closet. Granted, I wasn't an orphan and went from foster home to foster home, but I was very alone for a long time. Alone in the sense that I felt like no one really knew who I was and I chose not to share my deepest thoughts. It was easier to put a wall up and not deal with being vulnerable.

What I realized over time is that I would drive myself crazy by being that alone. I can understand that Marilyn probably didn't want to be in her head. Women, in general, do have their thoughts go a mile a minute. I remember there were times where I would get so frustrated with myself that I would just want to scream. It's crazy what a little self reflection would do to you.

I do want to reiterate that knowing who you truly are inside and out is so important to your own sanity as well as those around you. Over time, I have been able to hone in on my idiosyncrasies. I am no where near perfect but I do recognize my faults and work on them. Also, I have realized that I've never truly been alone. I've always had God right beside me through my journey of life. It's crazy to think that was the one thing I couldn't grasp for the longest time and now that I do, I am so much happier. I do wonder, what could had been done to save Marilyn.