2016 - A Year in Review

I'd like to think this "Year in Review" idea could be an annual thing.  I like to reflect on the past year and its triumphs and challenges.  I really began this year in a good place as I was planning my wedding to The Comedian.  There were hopes and dreams that I wanted to accomplish.

Year in Review

I was working at a job where I loved the people, but as the year wore on, so did the job.  I worked from 8 am to 6 or 7 PM on some days plus going outside in a construction environment did not weigh very well on my energy.  I started losing myself.  I didn't feel that I had the energy to work on the one thing that brought me life, this blog.  Not only that, I struggled to lose weight for the big day.  I remember lying in bed with The Comedian after a long heated discussion about following our dreams.  He felt that I was losing my passion.  I sincerely was just in a rut.  I told him that by the end of the year, I would quit my job and pursue freelance writing full-time.  This would give me the opportunity to focus on what I loved most, writing.

Luckily, after a few craigslist posts, I found some great clients who both gave me the opportunity to quit my job and still make enough money to support myself.  I was on a roll.  My goal came to life.  This past holiday season has been full of meetings and pursuing even more clients.  Val's Bytes will not be left behind either.  Look out for new podcasts in a different format in 2017.

I have been to two weddings this year, including my own.  I don't remember any baby showers.  And I was given the greatest gift of all, a husband who supports my every endeavor.

As I reflect back on this year, I think about all of the negative things that happened.  The shooting at Pulse Shooting Pulse Nightclub in my hometown of Orlando, deaths of so many celebrities including Prince, and the emotional stress of working a job that drained me both mentally and physically.

Create a Your Own Destiny

But I am grateful for changes that occurred that brought me closer to what is on my vision board.  As a challenge to you, I want you to create your own vision board (I will put mine down below).  If you visualize and pray for the things in life you want, they will come.  Keep a positive outlook and don't let negative thoughts enter your mind.  The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle says,

“See if you can catch yourself complaining, in either speech or thought, about a situation you find yourself in, what other people do or say, your surroundings, your life situation, even the weather. To complain is always nonacceptance of what is. It invariably carries an unconscious negative charge. When you complain, you make yourself into a victim. When you speak out, you are in your power. So change the situation by taking action or by speaking out if necessary or possible; leave the situation or accept it. All else is madness.”

A goal without a plan is a dream (I saw this in a meme the other day).  With this year in review, I want you to create an opportunity for success.  Visualize the things you want, keep a positive mindset, and those things will come.  I know because it has happened to me.

Happy New Year!

The Rise of Dating Apps – Infographic

There is no doubt about the fact that we have seen a phenomenal rise in the use of dating apps and websites in the last number of years. Societal and technological changes have contributed to this rise with people more accepting of casual relationships and also we have witnessed the proliferation of smartphones and the Internet. Tinder, Grindr, Badoo are just a few that are now synonymous in the world of dating but it might surprise you which app is actually the most popular in terms of downloads.

Our friends at Carvaka have put together this interesting infographic which details all the data and statistics that you need to know about the monumental rise in dating apps all over the world.

-Elizabeth Morris, Head of Content, Carvaka Sex Toys

The Settler vs The Reacher

Coincidently, when it comes to figuring out to post, life usually hands me a lemon.  In this case, I was binging on How I Met Your Mother (for the second time) and I came across this episode where Marshall is told he's the "reacher" and Lily is the "settler" in their relationship.  Of course, there's a funny plot twist where Lily eventually gets jealous of Marshall when he's kissed by a beautiful woman who she ends up knocking out. Around the same time, I was talking to a friend of mine regarding his latest conquest.  He has been adamant about not having a relationship.  He had been married then in a long relationship before moving to his new town and had no interest in getting serious with anyone else.  Let's just say; my friend looks like John Cena.  He is attractive and motivated but has no interest in settling down.  The woman he started dating is very well off but even after his plea to not get attached, she got attached.  She is the reacher because she was trying hard to change his mind or impress him so that he would settle down with her.  This is a classic case of a settler and reacher.

During my time dating, there was a long period where I had no interest in settling down or getting married.  Yes, I might have had a boyfriend in my early 20s but marriage was so far gone out of my mind, I had no plans to do it until I was ready.  Like my 30s.  At that time, I dated a lot of umm "mimbos" (really good looking men with no intellect whatsoever).  I think it was a conquest for myself because I considered myself an ugly duckling (Insert horrible 90s school photo here -Thanks James!).

When I discovered hair gel, mousse, makeup, and tweezer, I found I could use my intelligence for my benefit.   Bring on the handsome men!  I didn't commit to anyone of these people because I didn't want to be the settler.

After a while, and my ex-fiance, I realized that I didn't want to go down that route anymore.  I was 27 and finally ready to realize that maybe I should find someone.  I now became the reacher.  The men I did like, I tried too hard, and the men who were not smart just turned me off.  I remember I dated this guy with a gold grill.  I couldn't bring him around my friends.  When he told me he was falling for me, I freaked out.  How did this happen???

I realized that even at one point I was reaching for someone who wasn't even my type.  I learned that the mental connection was all that I needed.  It was my love language, quality time.  Regardless, he was a commitophobe, and that didn't work out in the long run.

After watching that episode of How I Met Your Mother, I started to wonder if I was the settler or the reacher in the relationship.  I think at this point; I don't think I'm either.  I think both the Comedian and I bring great qualities to the table.  I guess I'll let you be the judge.

No One Wants to Hear about a Happy Relationship

“No one wants to hear about a happy relationship.”  That’s the Comedian said after doing a bit on stage.  Before he told a joke, he would run it by me to ask whether it was okay.  I honestly didn’t mind.  I knew it was an exaggerated version of our reality.  Once, a woman pulled me to the side after he performed on stage and said, “You don’t have to let him talk about you like that.”

Sincerely, it was okay.  I had gotten comfortable with being the butt of 90% of his jokes.  In all seriousness, comedians talk about what they know, and if they spend most of their lives with you, then you will be the butt of their jokes.  I usually laugh it off and say “I signed up for this when I decided to date a comedian.”

It’s the same as being a dating blogger.  I spent countless hours talking about my latest conquests and how the majority of them went wrong.  Now, that I’m in a happy marriage with the comedian, I am scrambling for good material.  I have no issues talking about myself but who really wants to read about a happy relationship?

It’s true.  Most of us watch reality TV because we feel that if this rich person’s life is falling apart in front of us, then maybe we aren’t so bad. These past few weeks, a lot of people approach the Comedian and me and ask, “How’s married life?”

I sincerely don’t know how to answer.  It’s great.  Nothing has changed.  We are still two creative peas in a pod just trying to make our way in the world.  He’s the type of person who can make you laugh and the next hour has a serious conversation about the development of society.  It’s crazy to have found this combination in a person, but it works. Someone told me to

enjoy this time because you never know when things will change.

She is right.  I’ve seen my friends go through ups and downs in their marriages.  But the strong always prevail.  I admire the strength in understanding your partner, and when things get tough, they are really there for you.

The comedian even said in his vows that you need someone to grow with you and push you to be the best version of yourself.  I would like to challenge everyone to talk about their happy relationship.  It might make the idea of finding the right partner much less stressful.  He is out there.

On a side note... our wedding video is out!

I hope you enjoy!

https://vimeo.com/191169594

Why Technology is Killing Intimacy

I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts yesterday, Heather Dubrow's World, by one of the housewives of Orange County.  Heather Dubrow had Dr. Drew Pinsky on her show, and he mentioned something that got me thinking.  Technology has gotten in the way of intimacy. What do I mean by this?  Well, apps like Tinder give people the ability to choose by looks alone.  I know some might look a little deeper as they probably want to get to the know the person before they swipe right.  But it also allows a person to have more than one match at a time.  When I was single, I was guilty of the same thing.  I would talk to 5 guys at a time (that was my limit before I started mixing up stories).  Also, because the connection is superficial, it will probably end up in a hook up rather than a relationship.  I'm not saying that someone could not end up finding the love of their life on Tinder, however, that is the "exception, not the rule" (Yep, that's from "He's Just Not That Into You", it's a great movie that debunks a lot of dating faux pas).

Also, there's texting and emails.  I have about ten years of professional experience under my belt.  As younger people come into the workforce, I notice one annoying habit; they don't pick up the damn phone!  Instead of chasing down a customer for an answer before delivery, they send an email.  Then their excuse is, "well, he hasn't answered my email yet."  Really????  Call the guy, leave a voicemail, make some effort.  This is the same idea in a relationship.  How does one add intimacy in a relationship when they are just texting?  I have been guilty of the same thing.  As a matter of fact, the Comedian, who is older and wiser, does point out that the conversation could be resolved faster if I just made a phone call.  It's a generational thing.

Needless to say, we have allowed texting to be a replacement for a normal conversation.  People even break up through text messages.  There is something to be said about those people who put their phone away while spending time with friends, family, or their significant other.  They have the right idea.  We are losing the ability to have intimacy in any relationship because we have a phone up to our face about 75% of the time.

If you're looking for a real, intimate, relationship, try a dating site like Match.com or eHarmony.  Then take the time to qualify the person by talking to them on the phone.  You don't have to meet them in person, but you will have a better chance of real intimacy if you just talk to someone.

I'm Officially Mrs. Comedian!

I’ve officially been married to the Comedian for a month and two days.  I know I’m a bit late on relaying my experience but what better time before a long weekend to indulge in some wedding highs and lows. Overall, it was exactly what I wanted.  A big party.  I couldn’t have asked for a better group of people to celebrate such a special occasion.  Everyone asked what I wanted out of the wedding, and my reply was simple: good food and good music.  We had both!

For those who don’t know, I’m obsessed with sharing how Orlando is not just a town for theme parks.  There is so much else to see and try.  Because of this, I chose a wedding venue that embraced old Orlando

and what it used to be with some Spanish flair.  We had our wedding at tapas restaurant named Ceviche located right in the heart of downtown Orlando.  The brick streets and old buildings give the whole area of Church Street it’s character.  I could go into ghost stories about this particular area, but that would be an entirely different blog.  I have frequented this restaurant with a good friend of mine plenty of times to talk about business and life over champagne and great food.  The details in the woodwork all over the restaurant took me over the edge.  I was sold.  I had gone to other venues, but they didn’t appeal to me nearly as much.  The Comedian and I are a unique, creative couple and the venue needed to embody that.

A few months before the wedding, everything started to hit me hard.  I was struggling with the financials.  How was I going to pay for everything?  Then it hit me.  The florist I initially hired went bankrupt.  Say what?!?!  I went into a panic mode.  Kelly, the event coordinator at Ceviche, came to my rescue.  She gave me a couple of names, and I was put in touch with Jaimz at Florida Flowers and Orchids.  She quoted me less than the original florist, and the flowers turned out amazing.  The biggest debacle with this was, I had already paid in full.  Since the services were not rendered, the bank was able to help me out and I was credited the money for the flowers.

Situation diverted.

Finally, the day had arrived.  We had the rehearsal the night before and then I went out with friends, walked

to the gorgeous Grand Bohemian hotel, and spent my last night as a single person alone.  It was nice to have a big king size bed to myself without a snoring dog an earshot.  (I do love Rosco, but he can be loud).

I woke up the day of the wedding around 8 am like a little girl on Christmas morning, took a shower, and met my sister and some friends for breakfast at this cute little French bistro in downtown Orlando called Le Gourmet Break.  I believe the owner makes the croissants and they are to die for!  We went back to the hotel to start the process of getting ready.  My hairstylist and make-up artist, Karen from the Karmel Design Team, got there around 11 AM.  She started on me to get me prepped, and I sat in a robe the majority of the day pacing around.  I did hire a wedding coordinator from Events Unlimited by M, Maria, who was my saving grace.  I could not imagine worrying about setting up the wedding and all of the chaos that must have ensued without me knowing.   I would have paid so much more for her (thanks for the family discount!).  I am a little OCD when it comes to things getting done so it was hard for me to sit still and I kept thinking of new things that would come up.

After the bridesmaids were done with their makeup and hair.  Karen sat me down to start the process of making me a bride.  At the same time, Stephanie, my photographer from Lily Lu Photography, and Rose from Sophia Rose Photography and Film showed up.  They started asking me a slew of questions, and I was immediately overwhelmed.  I think it’s because, as a bride, we want everything to be perfect.  We want to give the right answer quickly so that nothing is missed.

My makeup was now done, and I was posing.  The flowers arrived, and things were moving.  I think the next 30 minutes to an hour were a complete blur.  My best friend from college, Hanio, and his wife had gifted us with transportation from their company Airport Super Express based out of Miami.  He was a little lost, and I tasked one of my bridesmaids to give him directions.  The blur ensued.

We got downstairs to the van and left to the venue which was a block away.  (Who wants to walk downtown in a wedding dress?)  We all walked into the venue, the bridesmaids, parents and more were all lined up while I hid from the Comedian with both my mom and dad.  Then the moment came, I walked down the aisle to my cousin playing guitar.  I was speechless.  The roses lined down the aisle, and the smile on the Comedian’s face was all I ever dreamed of.  It was sincerely a perfect moment.  Our pastor was funny, and the vows were touching.  This was it… we were married!

We took pictures then headed to the reception.  When we entered, the rest was another blur.  Time flew.  The Comedian and I had our first dance; then I dance with my dad which is another dream of mine.  With all that we have been through as father and daughter, this was the only moment I would had ever asked for.  Thank you, Daddy, for giving that to me… now I’m starting to tear up.  Back to the party.

We ate, said hi to everyone, the photo booth arrived (thanks mom for the gift!); we took some more pictures, and the speeches were given.  Savier, the Beard from The Beard and the Mole, and my sisters spoke with heartfelt verses in front of the crowd.  Then we danced.  DJ Sparks put on such a great party.  I did not expect anything less.  We picked him up from another wedding that had the same result.

After all was said and done, we found a petty cab downstairs, and I drove off into the distance (well the hotel) with my husband.

I honestly could not have asked for a better night.  Thank you, everyone, who helped during this crazy time!

P.S.  I don’t have the professional pics yet, but when I do, I promise to share.  In the meantime, here’s a trailer from Sophia Rose.

https://vimeo.com/190464051

The Truth to Matchmaking

It seems every time I meet a guy friend of The Comedian's, I get asked, do I have any single girlfriends.  The answer is, yes, I do.  Whether I feel they are an appropriate match for that person is a biased opinion. Hooking people up or matchmaking is a science.  You can't just hook two people up all willy nilly.  The Comedian believes I have a sickness because I'm always trying to hook people up.  Yes, I do think if there's an opportunity, I will jump on it and try to get two people together.  I love LOVE and I want people to be in love like I am.  It's just not that simple.  After I have made the grave error of trying to put two people together, I realize that they are not ready for a relationship or they simply don't want one.

I was having a conversation with a friend of mine the other day.  We were talking about matchmaking.  I had come across a friend who is a great catch.  Granted, he doesn't live in Florida. What I didn't express to her was that he was in no position to be in a relationship.  He simply didn't want one.  Rather than pushing some romanticized idea down a man's throat, I would rather leave him alone until he's ready and willing to make the jump.  A couple of instances I was fortunate in matchmaking, both the guy and girl were looking for relationships.  One example, in particular, I met this guy when I was single who's personality did not mesh with mine romantically.  He explained to me what he was looking for in a relationship.  A light bulb went off because I knew someone who fit his criteria to a "T."  I strategically brought him to a place I knew she would be and five years later, they are still together.

Another caveat is some people want relationships without being ready for one.  There's something to be said about doing the work on yourself before entering into a committed relationship with someone who is mentally stable.  I always tell people,

You can't be happy with someone else if you are not happy with yourself.

I worked a lot on myself before going into a relationship.  There were a lot of frogs I had to kiss before I found my prince charming.  What I find interesting about them is that many of them are still single.  I think what drove me the craziest in my single life was the lack of consideration a man would have for my time.  If you make plans, either stick to them or cancel them.  Sigh... some guys are just cowards.

Anyhow, I see some of my girlfriends struggle with dating.  I get it.  It's tough out there, however, if you're confident, love yourself, and recognize that when someone likes you that you respect their feelings, then you are ready for love.  I also say,

You have to be the person you want to be in a relationship before you are in a relationship.

If you think it's totally acceptable to go out with your girls three times a week, that's fine.  But think of how someone you might be interested in would perceive that imagery.  If you're looking for someone to party with, then you might be doing right by you.  A real man is looking for someone he can enjoy his life with.  He doesn't want to fight over petty things or worries that you might dive into a deep depression because he forgot this was the anniversary of your first kiss.

Matchmaking is not a simple hook up, at least it isn't for me.  Real love deserves thought.

My Rattled Psyche

My psyche has been rattled quite a bit over the past few months. Wedding planning is more like a psychological roller coaster that takes you from super excited to damn right devastated. I spoke to one of The Comedian’s coworkers yesterday whose daughter is planning a wedding and she mentioned her daughter is at the stage where she does not care anymore. Well, that’s where I’m at right now. Through this whole process, I have met incredible people, and I’ve realized who was willing to go the extra mile. I do cherish my friends and family to my core. However, one has to realize you can’t save them all.

Recently, I had a conversation with someone who made me realize why I love my friends so dearly and that I have the natural feeling to want to help them regardless if they might have done something negative. It’s the reason why I blog. I like to hope that somewhere in the world, I’m able to help someone with my words or stories. That some woman out there might be on the verge of making a wrong decision, she reads the blog and a light appears in front of her.  I love to provide a service to help those in need of clarity in their personal lives.

I hope with all of my experiences that I will be able to provide the glimmer of hope someone was seeking.  I sincerely believe I was put on this earth to endure some hardships, interpret it as an opportunity to find strength, and share it with the world.  Wisdom does not come with experience; it comes with the ability to make your experiences learning opportunities.

It happens to be the same reason I have the tendency to want to help people in their relationships. Not too long ago, I spent an additional 30 minutes in a car with an Uber driver giving him advice in his relationship. Regardless of whether the Comedian felt that this was appropriate, my drunken persona felt that this was the right thing to do at the time.

The theme of my bachelorette party cruise was one of finding ourselves again.  Through all of the babies and significant others, we lose sight of how amazing we are as women.  We're strong and resilient.  Whether we make plans in the future to go to Ireland or Argentina is all up to us.  There is a magnetic pull for us to move forward in a productive and happy direction.  I will never forget what the trip has taught me about myself, and I will never forget the conversations.  I think that's why I'm so rattled.  I needed to be reminded that we all are amazing, and we deserve the best.  I remembered that I love my friends and family , I love meeting new people, and I love to dance like no one is looking.

My psyche will be normal again

Wedding planning, working full time, and finding a path in freelancing can take a toll on someone.  I sincerely cannot wait to get the wedding behind me.  There are so many things that are changing right now that I can't speak about because it is a bit premature.  However, I am very excited.   Let's just say; I will have more time to write and travel as I've always dreamed.  Who knows, I might go back to school.  I think my calling is to help people in their relationships.  It's not easy to see what is going on in your relationship from the inside, but an outside wise perspective might give you that light you've been seeking.

Coincidently enough, this was Joel Osteen's prayer for the day:

“Father, today I raise my level of expectancy. I choose to take the limits off of my thinking. I know that You are able to do exceedingly, abundantly above all I could ever ask, think or imagine. Thank You for the blessing You have in store for me in Jesus’ name! Amen.”

A Commitphobe strikes again!

I am sincerely honored to get asked advice from someone who I normally speak to in my social circle.  Thank you so much for reading my blog! Here goes:

Dear Val,

I have fallen for a commitphobe guy which I dated for 2 months. He has been in relationships up to 5 years but only because of his children. Every time we got close to one another he would pull away. Last week, he introduced me to his friend and cousin. Then next day, I noticed texts were getting colder. That Saturday we met up again, I felt his coldness when we attended his partner's party. That's when we finally had a massive argument. He made excuses that I was disrespecting him at his partner's party, like crossing my arms and not turning my face from me. He took photos of me crossing my arms to prove it to me. He then stormed out of party and asked "Where shall I take you?" He wanted to go home and said I should go home too. I was confused, distraught, and didn't easily leave. I tried to reason with him but it got worse.

Since that day he's been stalking my Facebook and putting sarcastic posts up. I cropped one of photos up from the party and posted it not in a bad way. He then posted he needs a vacation and was writing to his friends to go away next week for his birthday to Istanbul.

1. He knew I wanted to go to Istanbul and worse still is I booked the trip.

2. Also knows paid for a bed , breakfast & dinner date, and a yacht for his birthday.

He has also cropped my pic out and posted as profile pic.

When I post pics from party he likes them of course sarcastically to hurt me or puts quotes he will be in a relationship in 2016.  I sent him a few pics of him from party and he sent me the 2 pics with me looking other way or crossing arms.

This is just an excuse, why doesn't he move on then or delete me instead of checking my posts and being bitter.

I should move on yes but it does hurt me. I am fed up with his mind games but I miss him too in some sense.

Could you give me any advice, please?

Sincerely,

K

_________________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear K,

First and foremost, I would like to thank you seeking advice from me.  I really appreciate it.

Second, here's my advice...

I'm not sure of your friend's previous situation however it seems he is extremely emotionally immature and not ready for a real relationship.  Some commitophobes tend to make excuses to not get into another relationship one way or another.  He has to be hurt from some previous experience to be scared to want to commit again.

From your email, I noticed there is some abusive behavior that is not healthy for you or for him for that matter.  You were probably excited to share the pictures from the party and his response was negative.  This is a classic case of trying to build his ego.  He is only concerned about making himself feel good and not with your own well being.

If there's any way for you to potentially go on the trip with a good friend of yours at another time without a huge penalty, I would recommend that.  The reason why some guys don't let someone go is because they do not like the idea of rejection.  Again, it boosts his ego knowing that he can always go to you when he needs you.  This does nothing for you, only causes you confusion and pain.

Like I told a friend not too long ago, if you love something let it go and if it comes back it's yours.  In this case, your guy here needs to grow up emotionally a little bit before he can have someone significant in his life.

As hard as it is to walk away from someone you fell for, do it for yourself.  You will be much happier in the long run.  Relationships are not supposed to be this hard so early.  It is supposed to be all butterflies in your stomach, happy moments, and longing to be with that person ALL of the time.

You're absolutely right.  It's going to suck for a little while.  Put yourself first.  You should be number one in your life all of the time.  Loving yourself only makes it easier for someone else to love you.  Trust me, I've been there, I remember the happy moments and wonder why I ended things but then I realize I love myself too much to put myself through the pain again.

Let me know how you're doing through the process.  I can suggest some books or even podcasts to listen to that will make you feel better while you are going through the break up.

Sincerely,

Val

Caller Smart - The app that will block catfishing

Have you ever wondered how to prevent potential Catfishing or ending up in a situation like my friend from one of my previous blogs, What's your last name again?   Well, guess what?  There's an app for that! Katie from Caller Smart reached out to me to spread the word on how their app can help eliminate the possibility of having the wool pulled over your eyes.  It can happen to anyone.  Imagine being at a bar and you exchange phone numbers with a guy that has just made you giggle for the last half an hour.  What if you can look up his phone number to solidify that he is actually who he says he is.  Not only that, but there is a forum on Caller Smart  where other gals can put comments about that particular person under their phone number.  Just another saving grace that will keep you from dating someone who potentially just want to get into your pants.

Katie Boudreau from Caller Smart explained during our interview that the app is a community phone book that is free and available on the iTunes store.  There are additional services such as background checks that cost a little extra through a 3rd party site.  What you do is look up a phone number and check out whether there are any comments regarding the person in question.  This also works for telephone scams.  When did it become okay for telemarketers to call our cell phones??  You can leave feedback on the number as well letting the world know how awful of a tipper the guy was or whether he was just scamming to get into your panties.  The comments are monitored so keep the raunchy language at home.

Katie said that privacy is taken very seriously and you can only search by phone number not by name.  What was also really interesting is that there are scammers out there who target those in their silver years.  It reminds me of the days I was a telemarketer myself and sold credit cards to my elders. (sigh... college jobs but the past is the past) There are people out there who claim to fall in love with those who are older and alone.  Then they convince them to send them money.  That's sooo awful!

Keep yourself safe and those you love safer from scams, deuchebags, and just really really bad people.  Download the Caller Smart app from the iTunes store or check out their website at CallerSmart.com.

Wedding Cake Rant

I have a confession... I don't like cake.  This is my struggle.  The wedding industry is telling me I have to spend $500 on something I don't like to eat.  My fiance, however, does like cake so the battle is not completely lost.  I really do want to get a cake to do the whole "shove the cake in your husband's face" thing BUT I just have a really hard time with all of the insane price tags. You could say I'm unconventional but that's what makes me... well me.  I didn't grow up thinking I would have a huge elaborate wedding, I'm not a princess.  If someone else puts a tiara on my head... I'm going to scream.  I am a people lover.  When I realized marriage was a reality I started planning things I would totally be okay with.  I grew up liking Spanish guitars because my father, uncles, and cousins played guitar.  It was a part of my life so I wanted to integrate that into the ceremony.  The rest... well I want a party.  Where everyone is smiling, laughing, having a great time, and celebrating our marriage.  That's what I want.

My real question is... why is everything so freakin' expensive?  I will be honest.  Maybe I'm super frugal but the idea of spending more than $500 on a wedding dress was so hard for me to digest.  I couldn't swallow the price tag.  I tried watching "Say Yes to the Dress" but I heard the amount these girls were spending for a dress they would wear once and I almost fainted.  I also got a call from a boutique and they told me their starting price was $3000.  Say what?! Why?

I don't want to negate anyone else's dream.  This is just my perspective.  If you have the financial ability to spend anything you want on a wedding, go for it.  I can't.  I am grateful to those who are assisting us.  I definitely could not afford this festival of food and fun without you.

I'm just asking, can I spend less than $500 on a cake or invitations most people will throw away?  Can I not have to DIY everything?  Can I spend as little as possible and still have the night of our lives?  That is my current mission.  I just wish that when someone mentions the word "wedding" the price tag didn't jump three times.

And We Watched Football

We looked at the stars while he passed me my drink. This is just the way I’ve always wanted to experience life. The beach chairs in his parent’s backyard gave us the perfect view of the sparkling night sky. I met him through a mutual friend at a club and our personalities just clicked. I wondered what attracted me to him in the first place because it wasn’t his sense of style or his good looks. There was just something about him. “Hey, the game will be on in about 30 minutes. You wanna jump in the pool for a quick swim before the game?”, he asked presumptuously.

I nodded with delight. We both got down to our knickers. I jumped in first and realized I didn’t have a drink in my hand, “Hey Pedro!” I called, “Can you grab our drinks?”

He turned around, grabbed both of our red plastic cups, and headed back to the pool. He set the drinks down on the ladder for easy access and started to splash water in my face! “Hey! My hair isn’t naturally curly!” I yelled.

We both laughed. He grabbed my drink and we started to ramble on about how stars were created and whether they will exist at the world’s end. You know, real nerdy stuff.

I couldn’t help but smile and laugh when we chatted. I’m not sure if it was the high or the inebriation. It doesn’t matter I was having a blast. Pedro got out of the water, grabbed our towels, and told me the game was about to start. This was a mutual team of ours that we loved watching together and for whatever reason when we watched them together, they won.

Pedro’s parents were gone for the week visiting family in California so there was no reason I should be in a hurry to leave. That was one thing that bothered me about him. He was in his 30s and still lived with his parents. Also, I didn’t even know when he had his last relationship. It was apparent he had no intention of ever settling down. I enjoyed his company as it was. There were no strings even though over time I started having feelings for him. In time, it would come to fruition that we will always have our memories.

I sat down on the long sectional and he was in the recliner. He looked over to me and said, “Hey, come over here.” I happily obliged. I sat on his lap and the game begun. We clinked our plastic cups, I grabbed some snacks off the table next to the chair, and watched the emotional rollercoaster that we call football. I don’t know what’s worse, Grey’s Anatomy and their constant need to have characters die off or watching a team that is never consistent. So emotional! Needless to say, I love the sport.

It was simply the best. We cheered, cried, he teased me because I gave up too early, and our team won. Then we went up to his childhood bedroom. After that, well, I never kiss and tell.

"What if?" is a scary phrase

Recently, a close friend of mine lost his father.  It got me to thinking about my relationship with my father.  Naturally, the first thing I think is that life is fleeting.  People come and go, bad things happen, good things happen, you have great relationships, and wonderful memories.  Some of those moments lead us to hours of therapy that I'm not sure how I paid for. Anyhow, I didn't have a really close relationship with my father growing up.  He just wasn't around.

Growing up in the military has it's unconventional moments.  First, I never had a friend for more than 2 years.  Not that I was a bad friend but they would move away.  I remember my best friend from elementary school moved to Alaska.  I mean... how were we going to stay friends without the internet?  Second, my dad would spend overnights on base or at training.  He wasn't home very often.  He retired for a short period of time, didn't like being a civilian, and got right back in.  Which led him to Panama.  Needless to say, my dad missed the most awkward parts of my life, the teenage years.  There were a lot of factors in him not being around and I'm not 100% sure about a lot of it.

When I was about 27 years old, my dad came out of the woodworks and established an ongoing relationship with me.  I can't say I see him all of the time but we do email each other on a regular basis and I have finally learned where my personality came from.

Back to death, I still wonder what the future holds with my father.  Even in the wedding planning process, getting an answer out of him is a bit nerve wracking.  I would really like him to be a part of my future kid's lives and want him to come up to Orlando more often.  This could be a cry but I don't want to think "what if".  Parts of me don't want to make the effort but if life is so fleeting, maybe I should so that I could have that relationship that I want with my father.

Gosh!  That's all I really want... a better relationship before it's too late.

Wedding Planning is for the Birds

If anyone really, really knows me, I sincerely don’t like being the center of attention.  I like to meander through the crowd getting to know people one on one.  Shoot, I always turn beet red when people start singing “Happy Birthday” to me.  Being put right in the spotlight is not really my thing.  So what does that say for my experience in becoming a bride?  I’ll tell you.  I have this sensation of anxiety anytime anyone asks me, “So how is the wedding planning going?” Again, if you really know me, you know that I’m a hustler and I don’t like to wait to get things done.  With that being said, almost everything is planned except for the wedding cake, bridesmaids dress, and other tiny little details.  I do operations for a living people!  Haha!  I guess my only real anxiety with wedding planning is finding the finances to pay for it.  I have always been good with saving, however, this expense is a little bit out of my reach.  Our parents have been great in helping us out financially but it’s just not enough.  I’m not sure how else other people stress out about the details.  Maybe it’s the fact they want to please everyone on their guest list and they want to everything to be perfect.  However, I’ve learned over time that nothing ever comes out exactly the way you planned.

I’ve expressed my anxiety of wedding planning to some people and they tell me, “Just enjoy the process”.  I do like to put together parties but I also like to know that I can afford things.  Don’t get me wrong, we’re not desperately poor by any means, we’re just middle class Americans trying to plan something close to the wedding of our dreams.  I just didn’t realize flowers cost so much!  It’s crazy that I saved almost $100 by removing 1 rose from each of the centerpieces.  Insane!  If I had all the money in the world, I would cover the whole room in flowers and have flamenco dancers and a photo booth.

We have been blessed by some great people who are doing us favors.  I am truly grateful for that fact.  My next endeavor is to do this timeline.  Seriously, I didn’t know each and every detail needed to be planned out.  I guess the bridezillas of the world have created extra work for us more laid back types.

On a happier note, we got some of our engagement photos in!  Enjoy!

Don't Get in that Car

I recently heard something on the radio that was quite disturbing.  A girl was raped after getting into a car with a stranger.  My first question is why would anyone get into a car with a stranger?  It boggles my mind the naivety of some people.  Maybe it's my thick skin or the fact that I've had so many close calls, I'm not really sure.  Don't people remember their parents teaching them about "stranger danger"?  That concept applies all of your life, not just when you're a child. I know that most rapes occur within a person's social circle. According to the Rape, Abuse, & Incest National Network (RAIIN), 4 out of 5 sexual assaults are done by no one you know.  But I want to be an advocate for those who might not make the best choices when it comes to trusting someone they don't know.  Recently, I found a social experiment where a popular Youtuber lured unsuspecting women into his car.  

[embed]http://https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xk4VmYrquAs[/embed]

I am speaking from experience.  There was a point in my life where I was just as naive as some women who make dangerous decisions.  

Here is another scenario.  You meet someone at a bar and he invites you over to his place after.  What do you expect is going to happen?  He's going to be a nice guy and you two are going to have a long night of conversation.  Probably not.  I remember a line from "How I Met Your Mother" that said,

"When it's after 2:00 a.m., just go to sleep because the decisions you make after 2:00 a.m. are the wrong decisions."  

Just go home, hold some dignity, and enjoy the fact that if he is a good guy, then he will call you because he respects you.  If he is not, then he wasn't right for you.  I don't know how many times I had to convince myself of the same.  Sometimes our insecurities cause us to make bad decisions.  That's exactly why the movie "How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days" made so much sense. 

I can't say any more than women need to make better decisions and take pride within ourselves.  We are not perfect and bad things might still happen but we can prevent some of those bad things going left instead of right or vice versa.  I can honestly say that most of my bad dates could have been avoided but my own curiosity was a blessing and a curse.  Most of the bad decisions I've made could have had different outcomes if I put my self worth first.  I do also believe that God does not put you through anything you can't handle and it is all done in His time. 

If you have any questions about sexual assault or need someone to talk to, I am here as a listening ear to both men and women alike.  

Achievement Lately

I've been thinking a lot about achievement lately.  Here I am binging on House of Cards, a Netflix series about politicians climbing their way up the administrative ladder, doing the exact opposite which is sitting on the couch.  The irony right??  I am being partially productive by multitasking.  There has been this pounding in my heart that I should write this particular book.  I've been avoiding it because I know it would be a daunting task.  There are so many intricacies because I know the story needs to be told so the same thing does not happen to another young woman out there. One of the reasons it has been weighing on me is because it was the most traumatic experience in my life.  It literally opened my eyes to the potential evils out there.  Most people who know me say that I'm strong.  I just think of any occurrence in my life could not be as nearly as awful as what I went through over 10 years ago.

The good news is that last night I wrote.  And when I wrote, I felt okay.  It wasn't awful.  This was extremely motivational.  I guess after years of self therapy and prayer that I am actually over it.  But then why write a book?  I sincerely believe this story will put things into perspective.  I am not not unlike many people out there in the world.  I was a young girl who was influenced by a man with a big dream.  What is also really great great about the story is that this influential man was arrested over a year ago for grand larceny, just to add to the pot.

It's just time.  I've written draft after draft over the years and I know that it will be a great addition to the literary world.  It's the story I was meant to write.  They say if God keeps telling you to do something then you should do it and the more time I put off, the more guilty I feel.

Yep, gotta do it.  Now if I could just figure out how to finish watching House of Cards and get back to being productive.

Commitaphobes vs Monogamers

A good friend of mine, "Los" (short for Carlos) and I have talked several times about commitephobes and monogamers.  Both of them exist in the dating world.  I admit, for a long time, I was a commitaphobe.  There was a point I was about to get married to someone and I wanted to run so far, he would never find me.  I also dated several guys to the point where it was easy to run.  This had to do a lot with my abandonment issues.  It was easier to leave than to get too close to be vulnerable.  I then found my match... "The Comedian".  Oddly enough, he was known as a monogamer.   So what is a monogamer?  That is someone who is always in long term relationships.  My younger sister is a monogamer.  It is rare that she is out of a relationship for a long period of time.  She likes being in relationships and so does my fiance. When I met "The Comedian", I wondered what made me different from the other relationships he had in the past.  Would I be another long term relationship that would lead to eventual heartbreak?  I think my honesty upfront cleared up a lot of questions.  I would not be in a relationship unless I knew it was going to be something real.  There was something very different about "The Comedian" and there were other things that kind of put us together like the law of attraction.

There was definitely a change in me when I met him.  I knew it had to be a special guy for me to settle down.  It was kind of like Carrie and Big.  My ex fiance was like Aidan... I knew something was wrong and I ran.  "The Comedian" was always my "Mr. Big".  He has a big personality and a big heart.

I have come across both monogamers and commitaphobes in my quest for love.  I think I also liked the chase of a commitaphobe.  Those who made it too easy and they didn't challenge me caused me to want to run the other way.  I guess I wanted the "bad boy" in a sense.  Someone that was hard to get.  Who doesn't like an unhealthy challenge? (haha jk)  I think my friends who are married thought I was kind of a nut for these challenges but all in all I was on a quest for something great.  My own version of Sex and the City.  Carrie says it best,

“I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.'”

I'm not sure how a monogamer and a commitaphobe got together but it works.  He pulls the best out of me and I do all that I can to learn to be vulnerable.  I know he loves me for my heart and the ability to continue to grow with him.  I made a decision that if I was going to really find love, I would have to let go and that's exactly what I did.

We're Engaged!!!

It finally happened!  The Comedian and I are engaged.  All is good in the world.  I know that I am about two weeks late on sharing this news with the world other than my friends and family and social media followers but I digress… I won’t lie and say I didn’t see it coming, however, I did not know the details of what the Comedian was planning.  The moment I knew something was awry was when he asked me which bowtie he should wear.  Normally, he does put on a bowtie unless we’re headed to a wedding or something similar.

After getting all dolled up, we were on our way.  The Comedian said we would stop to just take a walk for a little bit.  Needless to say, I was starving so deep down inside, I was thinking to myself that I didn’t want to keep my hopes up and imagine that we were sincerely out to dinner after our excursion.  He parked at our favorite park, Cranes Roost, which happened to be under construction.  I was a little saddened by that because it’s such a great park and I was looking forward to stroll.

The Comedian then lead me towards a little area in front of the lake right in front of a wedding party taking pictures at the same time.  (How serendipitous, no?)  He held my two hands, looked into my eyes, and then started his speech.  At that time, I’m screaming in my head, OMG IT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!  He goes on to express that I will never know how much he loves me (my heart beats even faster) then he gets down on one knee and asks, “Will you marry me?”  Naturally, I burst into tears and just kept repeating the word “yes”.  He gets up and we share salty kisses due to my inability to stop crying.

Then the Comedian takes me back to the car, tells me to put my purse in the trunk, I sit in the passenger side and he blindfolds me.  At this moment, I’m thinking to myself, “Oh we’re going to his parent’s house”.  I’m only ticked off because he tells me that traditionally there’s something else we do and that would be the only thing that crossed my mind.  Imagine, a woman in the front seat of a car with a blindfold on?  It was definitely a bit of a spectacle considering the Comedian kept telling me that other drivers were looking suspicious when they took a glance into our car.

We finally arrive at our destination, the Comedian rolls down his window and someone screams, “Is that you, Gio?”  I thought, “Hold on a second, who is that?”  We get out of the car and the Comedian tries to guide me to the door, while blindfolded.  Needless to say, we walked through the grass and I was wearing heels.  It was an accident waiting to happen but I made it without a twisted ankle.  We stopped, he took off my blindfold and everyone one yelled, “Surprise!” Over 60 of our closest friends and family were at the Comedian’s parent’s house for a surprise engagement party.  I was consumed with love and tears.  I couldn’t believe he planned all of this without me knowing.  It was absolutely incredible.  There are no words to describe how I was feeling at that moment.  Just wow…

So you ask, “What is it like now that I’m engaged?”  I will tell you, it is a bit relieving in the sense that we have grown so much as a couple and it has made it to this milestone in our relationship.  I spoke to some friends of mine who have known me for a while and they are just sincerely happy.  After all of the bad date stories, mediocre boyfriends, and so many other hurdles, I have finally found my prince charming.  I am utterly on cloud 9.  The Comedian has been an amazing person to learn and grow with.  I am just honored that we get to continue to grow for many, many years to come.

Here are some more pictures from that day...

5 Ways to Boost your Confidence

Being a strong woman in a world full of people ready and willing to push you down can really take a toll on your confidence.  I literally just finished reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert after much procrastination and watching the movie 500 times.  I was inspired by her story, especially her trip to India that led her to regain her confidence.  It is important to remember that we are beautiful, sassy, smart, innovative, movers and shakers of our environment.  But there is that one day that you are feeling just a bit down.  Here are some ideas to pick you up when you're not feeling top-notch.

Dress the way you want to feel

It is amazing what clothes can do to our self-esteem.  Have you ever looked in the mirror and said to yourself, "Damn, I look good"?  Ladies, you can sincerely feel like this all the time.  You know how the saying goes;

"Dress for the job you want"

The same goes for your mood.  Dress for the mood you want to have.  If you want to feel sexy, slip on that thong you know makes you feel like you are being a little naughty and it will exude on the outside and if you want to feel like you can take over the world, put on a power suit.

Drop the negativity

It's sometimes hard to see when people are bringing you down, especially when you're a women.  We all get caught up in the drama and gossip in the world around us.  It's so easy to just get sucked in.  I mean that's why reality TV is so addicting.  We love to revel in someone else's life when its worse than ours.  Well, snap out of it!

I know it can be difficult to get rid of friends who might be bringing us down as well but you have to remember that friends sometimes come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.  If the reason is up and they are bringing you down, it's time to move on.  Exuding confidence is all about YOU, not the other person.  Trust me, I am guilty of being a people pleaser but I know when to drop my losses.  Walk away from the negative talk and get yourself back in stride.

Talk to yourself

That's right, I said it.  Look in the mirror and talk to yourself.  Find a mantra that works for you like, "I am beautiful, no one today is going to bring me down" or "I am going to take over the world".  Whatever it may be, make sure its a positive, reassuring mantra that you are going to say to yourself.  The most important thing about this routine is that you have to do it daily and you have to believe it.  If you don't believe it, repeat it again until you do. Positive self-talk is so powerful

Hit the gym

You don't necessarily have to go to the gym but work out.  Do something.  Get off the couch and get moving.  WebMD says that working out releases endorphins which basically means it releases a chemical that makes us happy.  The same chemical that makes us smile when we hear a baby laugh.  Not only that, but after working out for a little while, you'll feel better about your body, you'll have more energy, and most importantly, you'll be more confident.

Surround yourself with positive people

I recently heard from someone you should surround yourself with people who are smarter than you.  I have always been a strong believer in having friends and significant others who bring you up and not bring you down.  I have been blessed with a great set of friends and every time we're together, it just reassures me and reminds me of how awesome they are smart, beautiful, positive women with the most amazing hearts.  It did take a while to get the negative people out of my life and it was worth it.  Find a mentor, surround yourself with amazing people, and your confidence will be the last thing you worry about.

Keep in mind these are just tips.  If you going through depression, please seek professional help.  From someone who has experienced depression before, it might be hard to get out of your own way when you're feeling down in the dumps.

Stay sassy, confident, and remember you are the most beautiful woman in the world!

5 Steps on Flirting at the Bar

I love these wedding pictures of the Comedian and I from New York.  There were way too many props for the photo booths and goodies given out on the dance floor.  Definitely a time I will remember for the rest of my life, but I digress.  We're here to give you tips, tips for the ladies.  I know it might be intimidating but let me hold your hand through this process.  Don't forget to be yourself and have fun! Yes, normally, a bar is not a great place to meet a significant other, however, you never know.  Why jeopardize an opportunity when it presents itself?  As a woman, the social stigma is to allow the guy pursue you, however, if someone catches your eye why not make yourself available to be pursued.

1.  Take a quick glance

Remember, most men find hitting on a woman intimidating especially when she is out with her girlfriends.  If you catch someone looking at you and he tickles your fancy, give him a quick smile then turn your head back to your friends and casually continue talking.  The test is the second glance.  If you catch him looking at you again, look at him, bat your flirting eyelashes, and smile again.

2.  Divide and Conquer

You must separate yourself from your friends.  Let them know someone caught your eye and you are going to give him the opportunity to speak to you.  Just in case something wrong happens, they know where you went.  If the guy is interested, he will approach you.  By leaving your friends, you made the

situation less intimidating.  It might be hard to fathom but a group of women can be scary.

3.  OMG!  He's coming over?!

When he does approach you, just say “hi, how are you?”  Don’t come on too strong by starting your whole life story.  You don’t want to scare this guy off.  He will continue the conversation and if he is truly interested in getting to know you, he will start asking questions about you.

4.  Let the drinks start rollin' in

If you hit it off in conversation, he will more than likely offer to buy you a drink.  If he does, accept it but do keep on an eye on that drink but keep your drink minimum to 2 or 3 at most depending on your tolerance.  You don’t want to get drunk and do things you might regret.  Drunk flirting can get you in situations you might not be ready for.  You don't want to accidentally tell him about the time you got in trouble for a hit and run right off the bat.  As my friend Los says,

"Only release a little crazy at a time."

5.  To date or not to date? 

There is a possibility this guy might become inappropriate.  If he makes a sexual reference right off the bat, just tell him it was nice to meet him and go back to your friends.  Remember, you are flirting in a bar.  You are the one in power of the conversation.  If he is truly interested in getting to know you, he will not bring up sex the first time you meet.

Finally, if the vibe is great, exchange numbers and go back to your friends.  Don’t forget the real reason you went to the bar, to spend time with the people who will love you no matter what.  So sashay your way back to your cooing friends and fill them in on the juicy information.