Bad Dating Habits and How to Fix Them

You've been on a few dates, and things aren't adding up. You think you're doing everything right. You are your most awesome self. The problem is you're not getting past the first or second date. Now, you're drowning your sorrows in terrible chick flicks (check out the Christmas Prince for an awfully bad one) and mint chocolate chip ice cream (my fave). I hate to say this, but sometimes the problem is you. You might be aware of it, but you may have some bad dating habits that need to go away fast.

Being too available

I get it. You are super excited to go out with the hot guy from the gym. I'm proud of you. BUT you don't have to go out with him the same night he asks you out or even the night after. The chase is what makes dating exciting. Guys have their radars out for crazies. Don't give him a reason to put you on his crazy list.

When he does ask you ask, say you're not available for his first opening. For example, Joe from the gym asks if you're available on Friday for a date. You say, "I'm sorry, I have something going on that day. What about Saturday?" By offering another scheduling option shows you are not sitting at home waiting for his phone call but that you have a life outside of the date with Mr. Amazing.

You don't embrace the idea that you could be someone's girlfriend

What do I mean by this? You have the habit of being the drunk girl at every party, you're a little promiscuous, your apartment looks like something exploded everywhere, or you swear like a sailor. I am a huge believer that dating is like an interview. Yes, it's more personal, but you're still putting your best foot forward.

Funny story, I love to be on time for social events. I'm actually exactly 30 minutes late to make an "entrance" if needed (I am Latina so being on time is not usually a standard. Most people are still getting the party together when I arrive). The Comedian, on the other hand, is always running late. BUT on our first few dates, I mentioned that I absolutely hated being late. He made it a point to be on time. When his mom mentioned to me that he was running late "as usual," I was extremely confused because that wasn't my experience with him. Low and behold, a few years later, I learned I was bamboozled. It was too late. I was in love.

The point of this story is to be the person you want to be in a relationship before you start dating. No one likes a cursing slob with serious baggage from their previous relationship. It's a bummer. Get your life together and figure it out before letting someone into your heart. They will be impressed by your efforts.

Being too picky

I agree that you need to set standards. But the likelihood that you are going to find Mr. Grey is doubtful. There are not many super handsome millionaires who can fulfill sexual fantasies, intellectually stimulate you, and have time to cuddle. I believe you should create a list of five "Must Haves". These are deal breakers that you will not budge on regardless of the guy.

To help you with this list, I've created this template --->Dating Terms

Flakiness

I think this is one of the bad dating habits I despise the most. I'm still trying to figure out the reason behind flakiness. It probably has some underlying insecurity issues. People base integrity on someone's word. If Val says she's going to be somewhere, then she's going to be there. If for whatever reason she can't make it, then she'll call or text to let the person know something has come up. It literally takes a few seconds to snap out whatever funk you're in and say, "Listen, I'm dealing with some issues right now, and I won't make it tonight." That's it. A good friend will understand.

If you don't have the courtesy to let your date know what's up, then you're not ready to date. Have integrity, be a good person, and let them know you can't make it to the party, outing, or whatever. Talking about flakiness reminds me of someone I dated a few years ago. If you're interested, you can read about it here.

Not addressing your insecurities

I can name several habits that tie into insecurities. I believe you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you. When we're not secure with ourselves, we do things like lie about who we are, refuse to be needy because we don't want to seem weak, or consistently apologize for everything. I admit I am guilty of lying about how many men I've slept with because I was insecure about the number or apologizing because I had some daddy issues I seriously needed to address. You're not alone. There are people out there experiencing something similar to you right now. Own up to your mistakes and address them accordingly. You don't need to apologize to someone to make them love you even though they are in the wrong.

I think we all need to gain perspective on who we are as a whole to get grounded. When you have a bigger picture view of the world, you'll start seeing things a little differently, and your priorities will be much different. Until then, continue to focus on your happiness. Trust me, things fall into place when you are striving for happiness and positivity.

Holiday Gift Ideas for Your Significant Other

Yesterday, I put out a survey on Facebook to ask what people would want their significant other to get them for the holidays. The main consensus I got was that you should really know the person you are in a relationship with. Many of the people responded to receiving gifts that were very personal. If you're still stumped, here are some tips for getting the right gift for that special person in your life.

Gift ideas for the adventurer

Some of us have the wanderlust bug. What would mean more to a person who has a sense of adventure is to plan a getaway to have somewhere they have been hinting. I love to travel so really a trip anywhere outside of my house is ideal. For someone that is more romantic, plan a staycation in your hometown at a beautiful resort where you can lay in bed all day and get massages. For someone who is a little more adventurous, plan a small trip to the mountains to go hiking or by the ocean for a peaceful weekend away.

There is room in your budget for even the smallest trips. Seeking adventure does not have to cost an arm and a leg. It's really the thought that counts. If you need help planning a trip away from home, check out this website Great Value Vacations.

If you have young kids at home, get a babysitter and take your husband or wife for a night on the town.

Gift ideas for the tech geek

These gifts also work well for those who like to be super organized. Courtesy of the Comedian, he feels anyone involved with tech would like to get their wires in order.

The Grid-It Organizer has always been a lifesaver on trips. Usually, the Comedian organized all of our chargers for our phones, laptops, Chromecast, and other things a tech person might need to keep handy.

Along with the organizer, we usually carry an Anker 6-Port USB charger. Instead of having ten power blocks for your different phones, we only have this one charger that we plug all of our devices into. When you're traveling, you could be limited to the number of plugs in your hotel room or space in your bag. Using these two tools help.

If you have a bigger budget, then obviously you can get even more elaborate. The Comedian usually drops hints on the things he wants. Next is a 4K TV but that's not in the budget for this year. I always make sure to check out CNet before buying anything tech related. If your SO knows their stuff, they can smell an imposter from a mile away. You'll want to do your research, check reviews, and make sure you are getting the best gift for your budget.

Gift ideas for the fashionista

Many of my friends are makeup lovers. They invest hundreds of dollars in good quality eyeshadow, blush, eyebrow pencils, and more. If you're a guy and this is not your wheelhouse, it is probably best to stay away from trying to buy makeup for that special lady in your life. This goes the same for shoes and shopping. Pay attention to what your SO is saying especially around the holidays.

I like to keep a special section in my Evernote about the things I would want to buy for my significant other. If you're not sure about your girlfriend or wife's size, don't buy anything clothing related. Trust me. You'll avoid an awkward conversation. Keep it safe and buy a classic piece of jewelry like a solitaire necklace, diamond earrings, or a nice watch. In all honesty, you can never really go wrong with a beautiful piece of jewelry.

Gift ideas for the person who has everything

Sometimes I find myself at a loss. I know my husband well enough to know he needs socks, undershirts, or random stuff for his office but I feel that lacks personalization. If you're like me and you want to get your significant other something different, something special, or something out of the ordinary. Give them an experience. Once my cousin's girlfriend gifted a day in his dream car. I don't recall the car, but it was about the experience rather than a physical gift.

Another idea if someone is a sports enthusiast, get them tickets to watch their favorite team, or make a trip out of it by taking them away for a weekend to watch a game. I know I would love some tickets to a New York Giants or Florida Gators game. Shoot... I haven't been to Gainesville, Florida in years!

Etsy has tons of personalized, handmade items that make any gift extra special. Be sure to read the reviews of those who have previously bought items. I'm a review reading maniac, and I haven't been unsatisfied with anything I bought on Etsy so far.

My overall point is to pay attention. If your boyfriend or girlfriend is a sneakerhead, then they'll want sneakers. If they like comedy, get them tickets to see their favorite comedian perform. The consensus I got from they survey online is gifting an experience is much more impressive than a physical gift.

If you need direction on what to get your loved one for the holidays, feel free to reach out to me at val@valsbytes.com.

Happy shopping!!

(There are affiliate links in this blog post)

Is it Too Early to Bring My SO to Meet My Family?

It's official! You've been cuffed.  After dating some great ones and some bums, you have finally locked yourself down into a relationship.  Congrats! Now that the holidays are here, you start asking yourself whether it's too early to bring your new beau to meet your family. Is it too early for your significant other to meet them?

Before making your final decision, bring out your yellow legal pad and make a pros and cons list based on the following questions you should ask yourself.

Know your audience

One of the scariest things to do is think about the potential political conversation that could happen at the table. Your new lover is likely to be in the middle of the argument of the year about the latest health coverage changes, and there is nothing you can do about it. They are your family, and they say things because they are comfortable with their opinions.

Your abuelita (grandmother) will possibly say something way too premature for your new relationship, causing you to worry whether you jumped the boat. Is your SO the type of person who can handle a little bit of adversity?

If you can envision your SO being comfortable with any situation that involves your family, then take it as a good sign. Keep an eye on them during some stressful situations and conversations in your day to day life. Or give him a heads up on your family dynamic. When you see they aren't even phased by what you consider to be crazy, you've got a good one. Don't let him or her go!

Trust me. I've been there. I remember someone in particular who I wasn't exactly proud to bring around my friends and family. Cowboy boots and a gold grill come to mind. He was SOOOO not my type so I kept him hidden because I knew that I would receive some backlash from those who loved me most. Which goes to my next point.

Define your relationship

Whether you're a guy or gal, cuffing season is an interesting time of the year. People get into relationships to stay warm for the winter but if you intend to keep them through the colder months then drop them like a bad habit right before Valentine's Day, then maybe you shouldn't introduce them to your family. First, it will give both your SO and your family false hope that you finally found someone serious. Second, it's messy. Don't bring them to a holiday party if they are only intended to be a winter fling.

If you feel this is something that will last, and you can be with this person for long-term, then yes, introduce them to your family. They are already dying to meet the person that makes you smile when you say their name.

Is it the right time?

Maybe you have only been dating for a few weeks or even a few months. The length of the relationship doesn't really matter. It's how you feel on the inside. A good friend once told me,

When you know, you know

And as dumb as it might sound to you right now because you don't think that way, trust me, it's true. There's just something about your SO that's different than the others. It feels different, and it feels right.

The holidays are a social season. I personally see my family more this time of the year than any other. If you're the same and you want to show off your newest relationship, think about all of the scenarios before bringing them in front of the firing squad. After asking yourself all of these questions and you don't see any red flags then get your SO prepared for the time of their life because they are about to make a first impression on your loved ones.

Is it Rabbit Season? No, it's Cuffing Season

For the past few weeks, I've been mentioning cuffing season on social media and to my friends. It's not a surprise that most of you don't know what it is since it's a fairly new phrase. No worries, I'm here to save you from wracking your brain and sleepless nights. I heard this phrase a  few years ago, right around the time I got engaged to The Comedian. I thought it was a phenomenon only related to engagements, but that's not entirely true. It really has to do with what this time of the year does to people. From November to February, men are 15% more likely to end up in a relationship.

What is cuffing season?

I can't think of why the word "cuff" was used to describe what's going on during the winter months. I wish maybe cuddling season caught on but whoever punned the phrase made it stick. Experts tell us this is something that has been going on for years, but now we can put a name to it.

Ask Men asked relationship expert, psychologist, and CEO of the matchmaking service, Lasting Connections, Sameera Sullivan, for some insight:

“Cuffing season is that period of time between fall and the dead of winter when people start looking for someone they can spend those long, frigid months with,” says Sullivan.

The season is all about bringing people together, and that includes keeping each other warm. I also think that some people want to avoid the dreaded question from their grandmother who always asks when they plan on getting married. Trust, I've been there. Unfortunately, now they are asking when we are planning to have kids. I just take a sip of wine and walk away.

It's hard to be alone during the winter. You see all of your friends buying presents for their significant others, and they all have a date for New Years. I can see how having someone by your side, even temporarily, is a quick fix.

Beware of serial cuffers

Don't start throwing away all of your granny panties yet. Some men and women are serial cuffers meaning they grab a lover for the season then conveniently break up with them around Valentine's Day. First, there's something about that day that means you're in it for the long haul and second, its right before Spring Break. Who wants to be tied down at the beach?

Beware of those guys who say, you're different and keep you at arm's length. Be sure to ask about their dating past to see where you stand. With the dying hook up culture, cuffing season is a way back to chivalry where people are spending more time with each other than their Tinder app. It could be the hot cocoa and the fireplace that's creating this change, but that sounds like a fantastic time to me.

How do I get cuffed?

The colder winter months are a perfect time for someone who is sick of casual dating to settle down. I always tell those that I'm counseling that first, you have to be in the right mindset before leaving the single scene behind. If you want to be in a relationship, picture yourself in a relationship, and act as if you are in one as well. Putting that mindset in the air will make it more likely for it to happen.

Also, understand what kind of partner you want. Print out this Dating Terms worksheet to help you narrow down to the five traits that you must have in a partner.

When you get that figured out, get on a website with more serious candidates. I may be biased, but Match.com is my personal favorite (maybe because that's where I met The Comedian). Or get out of your house and start socializing. The world has a funny way of putting things together when the timing is right.

If you need any guidance during cuffing season, feel free to contact me here. I will be more than happy to guide you on your way to happiness.

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The Dating Vocabulary Guide

I was on Snapchat the other day, and I clicked on this article on dating vocabulary. My mind was blown. I guess being out of the game for a few years left me in the dark. No amount of conversations with my friends prepared me for this article. Then I thought to myself, if I didn't know these actions had actual words tied to them, then that means that you all probably don't either. So I put together this handy vocabulary guide to help you understand terms you might encounter in the dating world.

Benching

Let's take teasing to the next level. Benching is when someone decides they don't want to date you exclusively but they know you're still into them, so they string you along.

If you haven't noticed by now, I'm obsessed with the show How I Met Your Mother. A great example is from the episode named Hooked where Ted refuses to believe that someone he is dating has him "On the Hook". The character he's dating, Tiffany, has no intention of following through with an actual relationship but he drops everything for her.

This is the scenario; you haven't heard from the person you are interested in a while. They send you a text message saying they miss talking to you. You try to make plans with them, but they make excuses for meeting up thus they are keeping you on the bench.

A good way to tell if you are the bench is to ask the person to meet you for coffee or a drink. If they are a no show, they have benched you.

Breadcrumbing

What's interesting about this word is that it happened to me tons of times, but I didn't know there was a term associated with what was happening. Breadcrumbing is when someone you are interested in texts you all the time, maybe sometimes calls. They flirt with you and make you feel all special, but they have absolutely no intention of meeting you in person.

What a crock! You're dealing with a digital tease.

But sadly, I've encountered this several times. The person on the other end of the conversation leads you on by leaving breadcrumbs (hence the term) to keep you interested. I believe this often leads to catfishing because you get emotionally invested in someone that isn't wanting to commit or really wants to meet in person.

Catfish

There's a whole series on MTV dedicated to this phenomenon. Catfishing is when someone pretends to be something that they are not by using other people's identities by using their pictures, online profiles, and so on.  I watch Catfish on MTV on occasion to grasp what is going through the minds of those who are catfished and the ones doing the catfishing.

Most of the time it's an ego thing. The person doing the catfishing either isn't confident about the way they look and hide behind a prettier face, or they are seeking revenge for something that has been done to them in the past. Usually, the victim is really insecure and lacks people skills, so they feel that the person behind the emails and texts is there to make them feel special.

If a person does not want to do a video call with you after talking to them via email or texts or calls after two weeks to a month, then RUN! There is way too much technology out there for the person you are interested in to have excuses. If they really like you, they will find a way. If not, walk the other way. Trust me. You will be happier in the long run.

Cuffing Season

There's a reason for the season, and we are now in cuffing season. You've heard this phrase thrown around out in the dating sphere but what does it mean? Did you know that men are 15% more likely to end up in relationships during November through February?  The holidays some something to people or maybe you prepare yourself for your grandmother asking when you are going to get married. Instead of dreading the conversation, you prepare yourself with a Thanksgiving date and other family outings.

Also, because it is a bit colder, it's just nice to have someone to keep you warm and Netflix and Chill because the beach isn't as readily available. Just beware, right before Valentine's Day, you may get ghosted.

Ghosting

I wrote a whole blog about this topic. You can find it here. Ghosting is essentially a cowardly way out of a relationship. Let's say you're dating a person for a while or at the very least having regular conversations via text. Then they disappear. There's no sign of them anywhere. You've been removed as their friend on Facebook, they've blocked you from other social media channels, and they refuse to answer any of your texts or phone calls. They have literally fallen off the face of the earth.

This person has ghosted you.

It's like Gone Girl but not nearly as drastic. My best advice to someone who's been ghosted is to move on. The person making an effort to remove you from their life didn't care enough to tell you why, so you shouldn't dwell on it a second more. I know I know... it's easier said than done but trust me, it's for the best.

Haunting

I have been with The Comedian for almost five years, and this still happens to me. Because I was a serial dater, I have many skeletons in my closet. Some I thought were dates that didn't go well, or I wasn't attracted to them. Either way, I know that it's been half a decade since I have attempted to talk to anyone who I casually dated in my past. But for whatever reason, there's still the occasional guy that will poke me on Facebook or message me on Instagram.

Haunting is when people you used to date who are no longer part of your life still look for you in some way or manner. They like pictures on your social media, they are poking you on Facebook (I still don't understand poking), they are trying to slide into your DM (direct message, just another vocab word for the day).

This is the worst part, sometimes they want sex. Say what? Don't you see I am happily married and have no intention of ruining that just because we were great that one time? Sigh, sometimes I wonder about my previous choices.

Anywho...

As time moves on, new words will come about. If you have any questions on this vocabulary guide whether you are a victim of breadcrumbing, ghosting, or whatever, feel free to reach out to me at val@valsbytes.com. I'll help clear up any misunderstandings and move you forward to a real relationship.

Before Finding Love, You Have to do the Work

Okay. I am going to give you a stern talking to. Are you ready? Good. Since I have announced that I am a certified matchmaker, I have been approached several times. It's been great! However, as soon as I ask people to fill out a questionnaire that will take them 15 minutes, they look at me like I have six eyes.

What I come to understand is that people want things handed to them for free or no work at all. It's absolutely insane. Yes, you can find love without filling out a crazy long questionnaire or asking me for help. That's fine. I won't be mad at you.

It's not just the questionnaire

Before getting into a relationship with the Comedian, I had personal hurdles I had to overcome like abandonment issues and sexual assault from my past. Everyone has baggage especially when you start dating in your late 20s, 30s, or even 40s. It's inevitable.

You had previous relationships, kids, issues with family members, and events in your life that have emotionally scarred you. I always say,

"It's not what you have been through, it's how you handle it that makes you who you are."

Those things from my past do not belong in a relationship. What did I do? I went to counseling, I read some self-help books like the Secret, and the Power of Now and I started looking at life differently. I wanted to be more balanced.

The Self-Awareness Era

We have so much information at our fingertips. More than likely, if you continue to have failing relationships, the common denominator is you. Not the other person you dated. I mean maybe there are some inklings that they weren't the right person for you. The definition of insanity is,

"Doing the same things over and over and expecting different results."

Take ownership of your life and look at your past experiences. Do you have a "Captain Save a Hoe" complex (meaning you always want to "save" your significant other)? Do you always choose people who are verbally abusive because your parents were verbally abusive to you?

We don't realize that sometimes we choose our partners unconsciously. I will tell you that I have a HUGE military guy complex. I consistently dated men in the military because my dad was in the Army. It was like they flocked to me like some sort of butterfly. These men were a reflection of my father; it is what I knew.  Even CNN recognized that its common for you to end up with someone like your parents.

What am I saying? Do the work. Find out what makes you tick and take a look at what happened to you in the past. Read some self-help books that teach you who you are, take a personality test like the one found on 16personalities, find out your love language, and learn more about your zodiac sign. These tests are actually really cool because they are uncanny and really spot on.

Understanding and loving yourself first will help you be a better partner to anyone who crosses your path. I can only help you so much to get you to a better you. I like to tell people that I can lead a horse to water but I can't force it to drink. This means that I can give you all of the tools in the world to find love, but if you don't take my advice or guidance, then I can't promise that you will get what you want.

There's a reason eHarmony has a long questionnaire

If you're serious about finding love, you need to do the work. When I embarked on a serious journey, I went to eHarmony and filled out their lengthy personality questionnaire. The purpose was to understand what I wanted in a relationship and those looking for love know who I am. Matching people is one part intuition and one part information.

If a deal breaker is your potential partner is a smoker, then it will probably not work. I need to know that upfront. If don't want kids, that could be a deal breaker for someone else. I might feel that two people belong together but if they don't match on other levels especially when it comes to future kids, religion, and family values, then it won't work.

I really do want to match and see people fall in love. It gives me great pleasure to know that I had part in your happiness. Understand that you have to do the work on yourself for balance and peace before getting involved in a relationship that will last for decades.

Do the work and you will see dividends.

If you're interested in learning more about your perfect partner, download this Dating Terms worksheet.

Why Traveling Was Good For Our Relationship

I have traveled before I met my partner Gareth (as I like to call BG, Before Gareth.) I had gone to various random places in the states with my family. The usual California, New York, Zion and I saw my best friend get married in Australia.  I would say that I hardly traveled. Five states and once out of the country in my 20 something years that is barely seeing the world.  Since I have had the pleasure to be with my fun, adventurous partner, we have NEVER gone a couple of months without a holiday or change in location. He is my adventure, and it has made us better for it. Here’s why…

1. Got us out of our comfort zone

When you’re in a new city, you have to try new things. New food, new gym, new everything. That can be scary for someone that is used to being in a bubble. I have grown so much since I have met this man that I feel like I am a different person. I owe that to him and the adventure we have had traveling the world. Let me just put this into perspective I used to be scared to go anywhere by myself, I’d have mad anxiety, and now I can travel by myself to a different country. One of my favorites quote is

“A comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there.”

Not sure who wrote it but traveling has gotten us out of our comfort zone.  It made us turn to each other when you have a life like a gypsie. You can’t go to your parent's or friend's house. Yes, we have phones and can call anyone at any time, but it’s different. We have just had us, and it’s forced us to communicate with each other even when we would rather not.

2. Taught us how to go with the flow

Things are stressful when there is no place to hang your hat. You can plan, and life laughs, life has taught us to plan and then go with the flow. We have moved to a different state within a week; we plan vacations a day in advance. We are last minute people that fly by the seat of our pants, and when things get stressful, we get mad and then laugh because that’s life and this life is us. We also had an inside joke for the longest time of blaming it on Florida. Life goes by too quick to not laugh about that crappy thing that happened.

3.  Made us appreciate US.

You meet a lot of people while you travel and you see a lot of your friends through a social media lens. Nothing is perfect, and we aren’t either, but I can honestly say the more people I meet, the more I know I was meant to be with this Irish stud. I have been on holidays and vacations with other boyfriends, and I was never fulfilled or always bored. I can look at this man for hours and still have more to talk about, and the great thing is I know he would say the same. We once missed the lights of Paris because we were too busy talking in the hotel room. I wouldn’t change a thing. The more people I meet, the cities I go and the more time passes, the more I love this man.

4.  We got to know each other on a different level quickly.

We went on our first holiday on our 4th date, and we got lost and walked FOREVER in Vegas. I had a blast. But because we have traveled a lot our first two years of dating, we were together 24/7.  I had been in relationships before that a week on holiday them was way too much time. So it refreshing to be with someone I can’t get enough of and it almost been two years we have been together! You can’t hide your true self when you’re with someone so much. I know that I will spend the rest of my life getting know the man beside me, but I’m thankful for the time we have had traveling. It has allowed us to quickly get to know each other to know that we wouldn’t want to be with anyone else.

Thank you for tuning into my post on Val’s Bytes, check out more post’s at ANYTHINGGIRLY.com

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The best compliment to any blogger is sharing a post, so I invite you to share and thank you in advance if you do. Comment below with how traveling has been good for you! Let me know your favorite Holiday, so I can put it on my Wish List of places to visit.

Secrets to Making a Breakup Be the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You

When we talk about breakups, we don’t talk about how positive they can be, we focus on how horrible they are. I was in a relationship for almost nine years, and when that ended, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. So, if you’re reading this and you are pre-breakup, mid-breakup, or even post and trying to move on, start with changing your thoughts about break up. It is positive, it’s change, it’s a new beginning, and most importantly, it’s a new you. Getting your heart broken is the way to start over and make a life you will never need a vacation from and will never need to break up with. It’s so easy to say this, so I have made a list of things that helped me move on and get to that positive place. Here they are…

Cry, scream, and be all the emotions

What I mean by this is feel all the emotions. You can’t move on if you push things down and never address them. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time. It’s gonna be a bumpy road, emotions will come and go, but this will be the best thing to ever happen to you and one day you will wake up, and the shadow will be gone, and you will be happy again. I know you’re asking the biggest question just like when Carrie got her heart broken by Mr. Big for the millionth time.

You know, Carrie from Sex in the City, asked “When will I laugh again?” Miranda responded “When something is really funny.”

That’s how being happy will be one day, it will just click. Until then move on to the rest of this post.

Make a list of all the things that annoyed you

Get specific about the guy and the relationship. This is a great list to have on your phone so when you feel like texting him, or you hear a song you both loved you can read the list and remember why you broke up. When the time comes, and you’re with someone new it’s an excellent way to compare the new guy with the old and make sure they are nothing alike. Who wants to make the same mistake twice? Am I right?

Make a list of all the things you love about yourself and your life

Self-worth is the most important thing anyone can change. If you don’t like you, then who will? This list can be hard in the beginning, try to be very specific and keep adding to the list and read over this list every time you’re sad or not feeling like you are enough. Everyone has good qualities and has talents, appreciate yours. One of my favorite quotes by an unknown author is

“You are YOU and that is your power.”

Embrace your power and embrace your uniqueness. Which leads me to the next point.

Change your self-talk

A world of disappoints will turn into a reality of winning. Words are important, they all have meaning and truth. How is it the nicest people often treat themselves the worst? I came to find that I was quite rude to myself. So take the negative challenge, and I replace I can’t, I won’t, I’m sorry and no; I replaced it with yes, thank you, I can and I will.  It makes a world of difference. One of my favorite movies is Alice in Wonderland, and it’s because she tries to do six impossible things before breakfast. And with a mindset like that the world is yours. Be nice to yourself and say nice things. If you need some motivation or an example of affirmations, click here. You will not be disappointed.

Start working out

Even if it’s just a walk with your dog every day or starting a new class at the gym, get out and get your body moving.  There are so many studies that state walking is good for your brain. There is a form of therapy called EMDR, and it focuses on changing your thoughts and memories while using both sides of your brain. It’s an incredible form of therapy because you are not talking your way through your problems and getting obsessed. You never tell your therapist what it’s about and you work through your thoughts and memories replaces them with less dramatic more positive feelings. I recommend it to anyone wanting to heal from any past traumas.

Try new things and meet new people

Have you always wanted to take an art class? Or learn how to dance? When you are at work what do you wish you could be doing? When getting home, DO IT! Scared to do something is the best sign that you need to do that very thing, so DO IT. When I was moving on from my past life, I chose always to say yes. My world had gotten so limited like the relationship I was in.  When you get scared to take that as a personal challenge to do it. Always say yes. You will be surprised at the things you can accomplish and the people you will meet along the way.

Go on vacation

traveling is the best thing for a broken heart. We forget that life is more than the bubble we live in. It’s a huge world and it will bring things into perspective plus you have so many memories to bury the past with which in the end will help you to move on.

Read self-help books and listen to positive podcasts

I know it’s cheesy but there is good stuff in others experience and advice. Heck, you wouldn’t be reading this post if you didn’t want to change yourself so get obsessed with being better, feeling better. Even trying to better yourself can help you feel better. So get to it, I love The Motivational High Five but find what works for you.

Re-establish friendships with friends and family.

Bad relationships lead to breakups which then have unfortunately put our loved ones as collateral damage. Re-establish those friendships and like I said before don’t be scared to make new ones.

Create goals

Are you happy with your job? No? Change it. Do you hate where you live? Yes? Move. You only have one life to live to get living it instead of surviving it. You don’t like something change it. And keep changing it till you love it.

And finally, upgrade on that relationship

This breakup will be the hardest thing ever do but the best choice you’ve ever made. there is someone out there that will make you look back at the relationship you just left and you will think how crazy you were to ever be so upset it ended. Find someone better, that fits you better, communicates better and has a similar love language as you.  We don’t look hard enough to find the people that will suit us best and possibly be our soul mates. So look because I can tell you by experience when you find them you will be happy. Life will be so easy and you will look back at your past relationships and laugh that you ever thought that was love. Don’t settle, your fairy tale does exist.

Thank you for tuning into my post on Val’s Bytes, check out more post’s at ANYTHINGGIRLY.com

Follow me on Instagram @heidimaesearle

And Facebook at Heidi Mae Searle

The best compliment to any blogger is sharing a post, so I invite you to share and thank you in advance if you do. Comment below and let me know what has helped you get over a breakup!

How to Get Closer to Your Significant Other

The supreme happiness in life is the conviction that we are loved, are the words of famous French novelist, Victor Hugo, and for sure it’s the greatest truth. Noble thing as knowing that you are in love with somebody is a very rare thing in modern society, that’s why it’s even more precious. Finding your soulmate is already difficult, but when it happens there comes a tricky part, how to get closer to your significant other. The happiest people are those who have energetic and active relationships. It doesn’t matter where do you live or what culture your life is influenced by, it stands as a self-evident and universal truth, happiest people are those who care very much about their relationship.

Talk about your dreams

Moment of realization that this might be the most important thing in every relationship is when my girlfriend told me her greatest wish that she never told anyone, I realized that I never considered that part of her personality. When you know what is behind those eyes you look every day, and for what they strive it becomes something special. Sometimes it feels like you are on the mission to concur the world and to fulfill dreams for your other half. Others dream becomes your dream; you are giving hope for future success, an influence that should be present in any relationship.

Traveling with your significant other

Somewhere on the beach, you can see a few fragments of the orange sun disappearing. There's no work for tomorrow, just enjoying the moment with your life companion, it will make your heart dance. After with your significant other, you will create a unique psychological bond, especially if travel experience was pleasant. Either way, you will have flashbacks of that journey as something special. Couples who have traveled together enjoy greatly the freedom and independence it provides, it excites and makes your relationship last longer by encouraging dynamical bond.

Try new things

Work as a team, do not compete, you can find some hobby, let’s say archery. Competition is great, but in the end, someone is always defeated. You can avoid this by doing things that require teamwork. Let’s say, gardening, on first glance; you think this is boring, well let me tell you my story, you might change your mind. Last year my girl and I started working on our yard. We both thought that it looked dull. It had grass and fence and nothing else. So we started making plans, where should these flowers go, and where the fountain should be. We helped each other and build something, it was our creation. This spring when everything started to flourish we were so happy what we made together. It connected us, through work, decisions, and realization what we are capable of doing when we work as a team.

You are on half way of making your partner feel completely loved just by asking yourself what should I do to stay connected? Well, don’t stop, try things, try to find the answer, an experience that will follow is the very essence of intimacy and really knowing your partner.

5 Signs You're in a Bad Relationship

Are you dating a narcissist? Master Manipulator? Emotional Terrorist? Here are some signs that you are in a bad relationship. I was told these signs a million times by people over the past years, and I pushed them back saying “he isn’t abusive things aren’t that bad, he doesn’t hit me.” If you find that you are doing this and minimizing the abuse maybe you need to take a step back and honestly evaluate your relationship. So here is a list of 4 things to watch out for and can show you that maybe it’s time to move on from this relationship.

1.  He Controls everything.

And it starts with your activities together it’s with his friends, his hobbies, and it’s all in his time; the activities you want to do never seem to work out. He isolates you from your family; you don’t see them as often as you did. Soon you start making up excuses to the people you love on why you never see them and why he never comes to you. He sabotages your friendships making you think that you choose to get rid of your friends.  Then control goes on steroids, and you start working from home, you no longer have a car, and when you leave the house, he is texting and calling wondering who you are with and how long you will be.  Soon he controls the money, and you no longer have your own, even though you work for it. Now don’t get me started with the sex because that’s going to be controlled too. It will be his choice on his time and his way. You will be left unsatisfied and unfulfilled with life and the relationship and when you complain he will make you feel like everything wrong in the relationship is your fault. Like I said before he is in control of everything, so he is going to control the blame.  This is manipulation at its finest, and it will make you think you are crazy. Take a second and stay grounded; it takes two to tango so don’t think the bad relationship is all your fault.

2.  History of past Abuse.

How does your partner talk about his ex’s? Does he refer to them as crazy? When he talks about who he dated, did it end badly with each one?  You better think twice about being with someone that talks that way. There is a common denominator, and I don’t think it’s that he only finds crazy women to date. A strong, grounded, mature person doesn’t have to label someone as something to protect their ego. A man that has integrity can date remain friendly after it’s over. Listen to the ghosts of his past, they are telling you exactly who he is, and someone like this doesn’t find crazies he creates crazies.

3.  The giving and taking are not the same.

In a bad relationship, there will always be one person that is the taker and the other the giver. That’s how you have been able to stay with him so long but also the reason that you’re feeling drained. You’re giving everything and doing everything, and he will give you enough to keep you around.

4.  The game of emotional abuse: belittling and stonewalling.

Does he tell you things that are physically wrong with your body? Does he always fail to celebrate your successes? Does he stand up for you with friends or family? Does he call you his doormat? Then when you get upset (because these are all hurtful things), he then ignores you till you apologize for getting angry? This is all in the plan because if you think you aren’t enough for him, you get so low that you get to thinking you can’t live without him. You will bend over backward doing anything he wants to keep him around. No one deserves to be a doormat, close that door immediately and open another that will lift up the doormat, dust it off and treat you like the amazing woman you are.

5.  Cycle of abuse

Another reason you stay because when it is good, it’s SO GOOD. I remember crying after my ex, and I bought a house together, and we saged it and talked about all the positive things that were going to happen in the house. Well for once we did an activity I wanted to do.  And it was fun, happy, and he was all in and paying 100% attention to me. The high of things going well never lasts. Eventually, the honeymoon stage is over, and the cycle begins again. He will belittle, Stonewall or flat out choose anything or anyone over you; you then get upset and then you’re called crazy. Meanwhile, you think it’s your fault and stay because you  THINK you can learn not to be crazy. But in reality, you aren’t crazy, and anyone that gets belittled, stonewalled and flat out chosen last would be upset. You are Normal; You will find a reasonable person to love, and you will be fulfilled and completely healthy.

So if you can relate to this list and you think your relationship is very similar, Please Go! You’re beautiful, smart, strong, and even though you have been conditioned to think otherwise and even though it will be the hardest thing you have ever done; do it. He will never change, and you will stay unfulfilled and drained. You can have a best friend as a partner, someone that’s excited to see you. I remained in an abusive relationship for almost ten years, in the end after I changed my bad habits and worked on myself and came to find it still was not working because he didn’t want it too. I tried to leave three times before I did. It was the hardest thing I ever did. Now that it’s all over and I’ve been with an amazing man I have the relationship that mirrors my parents. I am so glad I did it. It took a long time to get here, and I’m so proud to be where I am and be who I am. We are both in love with each other and will do anything to make sure each other are happy. I didn’t think this existed, and I didn’t think a relationship could be natural, and it is.

Thanks for coming to the party today, I’m sorry it feels like such a downer, but it does end well. This story has ended happily ever after for me, and I hope this post helps change someone’s nightmare into a fairytale. Life is too short, and we only regret the things we never did. You won’t regret living a more fulfilled life and leaving the draining relationship. Let me know if you liked the post or it helped you in some way by commenting and sharing.

XOXO

5 Topics Couples Don’t Discuss Until It’s Too Late

Murphy's law teaches us only one thing. Couples should discuss topics that can go south before they occur. Marriage is a fortress; its stability depends on how much attention you devote while building its base. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, that’s why you should discuss this topic on time; it might spare you of nerve-wracking situations in marriage.

Finances and money investments

Math and love don’t get along. Falling in love is something utterly irrational, and it should stay that way. No one ever said, I might spend my life with this person”, it just happens, like a bolt from the blue, without thinking you are already wearing a ring. But there should be a place for numbers in marriage. Even for little things like groceries, double companions should be equally involved. It allows marriage to be founded on confidence and trust. Long-term financial planning is of particular importance because it ensures the intentions of the spouse and strengthens a marriage. The less concern you get, the more, you will enjoy your marriage, and it will be easier to overcome other problems.

Sex life

Determine your sex life. Be clear how often would you like to have sex. I get it; everything works fine, sex is great, and you are deeply in love, you apparently think, why should I discuss something which is already perfect? In fact, if you want it to stay like that, it is important to start talking about sex life so you can prevent potential problems that might be just around the corner. The downfall of passion is waiting for you, and, sooner or later, it will happen. This is normal, but it won’t seem so if you don’t discuss it before it happens. A possible outcome is that your partner may start to doubt you, it is almost inevitable. This can be a cause for major problems in a marriage. Feel free to talk through every possible situation that crosses your mind.

Spirituality

You might end up in a relationship with a person that doesn't share your beliefs. No one expects big changes or surprises in this area after going to the registrar. Let’s say I’m a deeply religious person, but my wife is an atheist. That’s all right, I respect her views and beliefs, and she respects mine. But when children come along, you might face a situation where neither of you knows how to educate them. How do you make a compromise when things are opposed? A solution to this problem might be expressing both sides’ attitudes to the children as they grow so they can decide what is better for them. You may be lucky with a partner who is not stubborn, but imagine all this with a person who doesn’t want to make concessions. This could put marriage into question.

Career goals and aspirations

People should always think about getting married if they tend to pursue higher education and job success. We are living in modern society, and the “housewife norm” in traditional families is a thing of the past. On the other side, our reproductive organs are still same. There is no such a thing as accelerated pregnancy, and that won’t exist anytime soon, so partners should be aware of each other's plans in their professional lives. Different attitudes about having kids may be a great destruction force that can threaten a marriage, so it’s better to talk about that before it's too late, but not too early and not on a first date.

In-laws issues and influence of other people

This part should be simple, it’s your marriage, your story, and it should be without external influences, but reality is something else, other people will try to shape your marriage. Newlyweds will always have a strong bond with their parents and friends, that's normal, but there should be boundaries when it comes to your partnership. Each decision should be made by the spouses and their agreement. It is critical to envisage this before you drop the anchor. Involvement of other persons increases the chance of an unstable marriage.

Many other things are important to discuss before you lead your darling to the altar but from my experience, this are most important

10 Ways You Know You're in a Good Relationship

As you all know I am a relationship know-it-all, I can look at any couple and tell you how long they will last. If you believe this statement, then you are a fool. I am no expert, but I have had my heart broken and stepped on like the doormat. But I learn from my mistakes I can tell some definite signs that you are in a good relationship and since I'm in one, I can live to tell the tell. Here they are...

1. You are physically and mentally healthier.

   I have always struggled with my weight and my analytical mind. I have come to find that this amazing, handsome specimen calms my fears and pumps me up. I am in the best shape of my life and have a healthier, mind, body and soul.

2. No more "I can't" or "I won't."

   It hit me one day that I have to get to know myself again; I am no longer living in a bubble scared to go outside. I am in a relationship that has expanded my horizons.  In the past, I thought I was too dumb to do some of  the things that I am doing now. It's an amazing feeling to have someone that runs with you instead of holding you back. When you're with someone that speaks positively about you and to you, it helps change yourself talk to be more positive. The world unlocks itself when you take I can't, or I won't get out of your vocabulary.

3. Your goals are getting achieved.

   Firstly my goals are a lot higher or harder to reach, and I achieve them. I am with someone that is a go-getter, and he helps me with my goals, and we even have goals as a couple. We have a life that we are working towards achieving and it’s a great feeling to have someone that is growing with you.

4. Life is easier.

   I use to get so frustrated with things not working out, I've come to find that my man makes me laugh at these moments. He sees me for the imperfect person I am, and I don't feel stupid or ashamed; I feel heard and understood. Life gets a lot easier when you're laughing through the mistakes and failures as well as the good times.

5. The giving and the taking feels natural and equal.

   There might be days where I don't do as much around the house, and my man does the dishes and wipes the counters. We are are not counting who did what, we are picking up where the other left off; we are a team.

6. Less fighting more laughing.

   We hardly fight, I think we can we have fought once. I'm not saying that your relationship isn't good because you fight. We have been through some pretty stressful situations, and somehow we don't fight, it's just us. When one of us is upset or says something or does something snappy we call each other out on it and the person apologizing, and we move forward. It's not about the lack of fighting but about how you move forward when you do.

7. Honesty is the best policy.

   We always tell each other the truth, the brutal truth which sometimes means like I said in number 6 that you get called out. It might sting a little, but I would rather have a partner that helps me grow and be better than someone that keeps me stagnant just to save my feelings.

8. No secrets.

   You keep one secret from your partner and the secrets turn into the book of secrets, and soon it's what's keeping you from being honest with your partner. We made a rule always to tell the truth and say it as nicely as you can. Some things should only be between you and your partner and when you have that be sacred your relationship will follow. I will not let anyone or anything come in the way of my partner and me; he is the most important being. His secrets are my secrets, and that's what has brought us closer together.

9. Hours of talking and the honeymoon stage has ended.

   My man and I miss some important moments in our lives because we are too busy talking. We missed the Eiffel Tower lit up at night because we were chatty Kathy's in the hotel room. We are always late to meet friends because caught up in some conversation. We have been dating two years soon, and we still talk like we have just met. We talk about everything under the sun, and it's weird because we are with each other 24/7 together.  It also makes talking about hard things easier; we talk to understand not to respond.

10. Never stop choosing your partner first.

    I think this is the most important thing; your relationship will never work out if you don't put your partner first. I have had to tell myself "This person is my family and no one else matters." you start choosing your hobby or friends over the person and you might as well just wave your relationship goodbye. I'm not saying you can't see your friends, but everything comes in balance.

I hope your relationship is as good as mine and I'd love to keep adding to this list so comment below on what you think makes a good relationship.

Follow me on Facebook at Heidi Mae Searle

And Instagram @heidimaesearle

XOXO

The Ultimate Dating Basket Giveaway

March madness is among us!  Coming from a University of Florida Gator, this time reminds me of the years I was there when we won 3 championships in 2 years (2 basketball and 1 football).  In commemoration of great times, I felt it was time for a giveaway.

I've talked about them so many times in my blog and in our podcast, Love Bits and Bytes, that it's only right you should have them for yourself.  Included in the basket are two of our favorite books:

• The 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman
• Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man by Steve Harvey

Not only that, we want you to put your dating chops to the test.  I have also included a $25 Darden restaurant gift card plus something spicy to end your night (if everything went well).

This is a great basket for both guys and gals.  Make this a great opportunity to get something for yourself, take your significant other on a long-awaited date, and it's free.  Just enter below.

The contest will start on March 15th, 2017 and end on March 30th, 2017.  The winner will be announced on April 4th during the Love Bits and Bytes podcast.

Only one winner will be chosen.  You must be over the age of 18 and located in the continental U.S.

You can find out additional ways to enter this giveaway after submitting your email address.

Enter below for the Ultimate Basket Giveaway!

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Online Dating - You're Doing It Wrong

Smartphones and apps have opened the floodgates of free online dating. And why not? You can meet lots of interesting people online - more than you'll meet in a loud, smoky bar. You can filter them to make sure their age, appearance, background, and interests are compatible with yours. And it's fun. Research firm GlobalWebIndex reported in 2015 that 91 million people are using apps like Tinder. Why not? Tinder has millions and millions of users. Surely the person you're looking for has an account.

NEEDLE, MEET HAYSTACK

Maybe so. But Tinder's strength - that it is so widely used - is also its weakness. You're not looking to date millions of people. You're looking to find a particular someone.

General-purpose apps and dating websites try to convince you that having lots of members is a benefit. But in most cases, such sites are a waste of time. (That's one reason their customer ratings are so low.)

Suppose you’re interested solely in guys with beards. Or maybe someone who shares your religious background. A general-purpose dating app may let you set filters so you see only members who match your criteria.

But that doesn’t mean you’ll find lots of them. Like you, people in niche categories find general-interest dating sites and apps frustrating, inefficient, and boring. So you don’t find them there.

A MATTER OF FOCUS

Luckily, savvy website operators have created specialized dating sites for people with particular interests. You can now find a website to help you connect with guys with beards, or fellow Catholics, or big beautiful women, or guys with children, or women with tattoos, or married people interested in discreet relationships, or...well, you name it!

A niche dating site is more efficient because you don't have to wade through the profiles of lots of people who don't match your interests. Better yet, such a site is a community of people who share your attraction. You'll enjoy a real sense of community at a niche site. You can pick up useful online dating tips, chat with like-minded singles, and compare experiences.

A niche site attracts precisely the people you are looking for. And because it rewards their searches with qualified potential partners, they stay active. They tell their friends. The site becomes more and more useful over time.

Best of all, you can be sure that you'll find just the kind of dating partner you're looking for.

Let other singles waste their time swiping left and swiping right on Tinder. You're better off with a niche dating website where you can meet exactly who you're looking for.

Contributed by Dating VIP

What to Expect When... Getting Married

First and foremost, I have a couple of announcements.  The podcast is coming back!  After a year and a half in hibernation, I knew it was time to bring it back.  But this time, there will be a new format and a cohost.  I am super excited because we recorded some of the shows today and the banter is just fantastic.  Look out for the first episode this week. The other day, the comedian and I were talking about preparation for marriage.  When you buy a car or have a baby, some people take the time to do their research before finalizing on a decision.  Why don't we do that when we decide to get married?  I lucked out in the sense that the Comedian was extremely adamant about building a foundation before making any serious moves, like getting married or having children.  You can't fix a relationship that's already broken.

There are some people out there that believe a child can put a band-aid on a serious problem or that sex is the solution to avoiding a relationship.  It's kind of like alcoholism.  The problems just don't disappear because your mind is somewhere else.  They will be there when you get back.  I had a good friend of mine was going through a divorce and decided to move across the country from Orlando to LA in hopes that a change of scenery would bring him back to his usual self.  Unfortunately, it didn't.  He went into a little bit of a depression and decided to move back.  In reality, his support system was here in Orlando.  The people around him nursed him back to himself, and he was able to date again.

I'm not saying our system is perfect, but we can both say we know the other person well.  The Comedian promises he has more romantic gestures up his sleeves and those are the kinds of surprises I like.  There is a reason the court in Florida gives you a discount on your marriage certificate when you take a course before getting hitched.  Marriage is supposed to be forever.  That's what we all say in our vows.  Take the time to read some books together or try one of those "get to know you" questionnaires they have on Pinterest.  I've done a few of those with the Comedian early in our relationship.  I'll even add a link to a few for good measure.

Many of us women have this dream of finally being loved by our prince charming.  I know it's easier said than done but take the time out to get to know your prince before he becomes your King.  He could very well be a frog.

Here are some books to read together and links to those questionnaires I promised.

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts

Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married

100 Random Questions to Ask Your Boyfriend

40 Personal Questions to Ask Your boyfriend

13 Questions to Ask Before Getting Married

The Rise of Dating Apps – Infographic

There is no doubt about the fact that we have seen a phenomenal rise in the use of dating apps and websites in the last number of years. Societal and technological changes have contributed to this rise with people more accepting of casual relationships and also we have witnessed the proliferation of smartphones and the Internet. Tinder, Grindr, Badoo are just a few that are now synonymous in the world of dating but it might surprise you which app is actually the most popular in terms of downloads.

Our friends at Carvaka have put together this interesting infographic which details all the data and statistics that you need to know about the monumental rise in dating apps all over the world.

-Elizabeth Morris, Head of Content, Carvaka Sex Toys

The Settler vs The Reacher

Coincidently, when it comes to figuring out to post, life usually hands me a lemon.  In this case, I was binging on How I Met Your Mother (for the second time) and I came across this episode where Marshall is told he's the "reacher" and Lily is the "settler" in their relationship.  Of course, there's a funny plot twist where Lily eventually gets jealous of Marshall when he's kissed by a beautiful woman who she ends up knocking out. Around the same time, I was talking to a friend of mine regarding his latest conquest.  He has been adamant about not having a relationship.  He had been married then in a long relationship before moving to his new town and had no interest in getting serious with anyone else.  Let's just say; my friend looks like John Cena.  He is attractive and motivated but has no interest in settling down.  The woman he started dating is very well off but even after his plea to not get attached, she got attached.  She is the reacher because she was trying hard to change his mind or impress him so that he would settle down with her.  This is a classic case of a settler and reacher.

During my time dating, there was a long period where I had no interest in settling down or getting married.  Yes, I might have had a boyfriend in my early 20s but marriage was so far gone out of my mind, I had no plans to do it until I was ready.  Like my 30s.  At that time, I dated a lot of umm "mimbos" (really good looking men with no intellect whatsoever).  I think it was a conquest for myself because I considered myself an ugly duckling (Insert horrible 90s school photo here -Thanks James!).

When I discovered hair gel, mousse, makeup, and tweezer, I found I could use my intelligence for my benefit.   Bring on the handsome men!  I didn't commit to anyone of these people because I didn't want to be the settler.

After a while, and my ex-fiance, I realized that I didn't want to go down that route anymore.  I was 27 and finally ready to realize that maybe I should find someone.  I now became the reacher.  The men I did like, I tried too hard, and the men who were not smart just turned me off.  I remember I dated this guy with a gold grill.  I couldn't bring him around my friends.  When he told me he was falling for me, I freaked out.  How did this happen???

I realized that even at one point I was reaching for someone who wasn't even my type.  I learned that the mental connection was all that I needed.  It was my love language, quality time.  Regardless, he was a commitophobe, and that didn't work out in the long run.

After watching that episode of How I Met Your Mother, I started to wonder if I was the settler or the reacher in the relationship.  I think at this point; I don't think I'm either.  I think both the Comedian and I bring great qualities to the table.  I guess I'll let you be the judge.

Why Technology is Killing Intimacy

I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts yesterday, Heather Dubrow's World, by one of the housewives of Orange County.  Heather Dubrow had Dr. Drew Pinsky on her show, and he mentioned something that got me thinking.  Technology has gotten in the way of intimacy. What do I mean by this?  Well, apps like Tinder give people the ability to choose by looks alone.  I know some might look a little deeper as they probably want to get to the know the person before they swipe right.  But it also allows a person to have more than one match at a time.  When I was single, I was guilty of the same thing.  I would talk to 5 guys at a time (that was my limit before I started mixing up stories).  Also, because the connection is superficial, it will probably end up in a hook up rather than a relationship.  I'm not saying that someone could not end up finding the love of their life on Tinder, however, that is the "exception, not the rule" (Yep, that's from "He's Just Not That Into You", it's a great movie that debunks a lot of dating faux pas).

Also, there's texting and emails.  I have about ten years of professional experience under my belt.  As younger people come into the workforce, I notice one annoying habit; they don't pick up the damn phone!  Instead of chasing down a customer for an answer before delivery, they send an email.  Then their excuse is, "well, he hasn't answered my email yet."  Really????  Call the guy, leave a voicemail, make some effort.  This is the same idea in a relationship.  How does one add intimacy in a relationship when they are just texting?  I have been guilty of the same thing.  As a matter of fact, the Comedian, who is older and wiser, does point out that the conversation could be resolved faster if I just made a phone call.  It's a generational thing.

Needless to say, we have allowed texting to be a replacement for a normal conversation.  People even break up through text messages.  There is something to be said about those people who put their phone away while spending time with friends, family, or their significant other.  They have the right idea.  We are losing the ability to have intimacy in any relationship because we have a phone up to our face about 75% of the time.

If you're looking for a real, intimate, relationship, try a dating site like Match.com or eHarmony.  Then take the time to qualify the person by talking to them on the phone.  You don't have to meet them in person, but you will have a better chance of real intimacy if you just talk to someone.

I'm Officially Mrs. Comedian!

I’ve officially been married to the Comedian for a month and two days.  I know I’m a bit late on relaying my experience but what better time before a long weekend to indulge in some wedding highs and lows. Overall, it was exactly what I wanted.  A big party.  I couldn’t have asked for a better group of people to celebrate such a special occasion.  Everyone asked what I wanted out of the wedding, and my reply was simple: good food and good music.  We had both!

For those who don’t know, I’m obsessed with sharing how Orlando is not just a town for theme parks.  There is so much else to see and try.  Because of this, I chose a wedding venue that embraced old Orlando

and what it used to be with some Spanish flair.  We had our wedding at tapas restaurant named Ceviche located right in the heart of downtown Orlando.  The brick streets and old buildings give the whole area of Church Street it’s character.  I could go into ghost stories about this particular area, but that would be an entirely different blog.  I have frequented this restaurant with a good friend of mine plenty of times to talk about business and life over champagne and great food.  The details in the woodwork all over the restaurant took me over the edge.  I was sold.  I had gone to other venues, but they didn’t appeal to me nearly as much.  The Comedian and I are a unique, creative couple and the venue needed to embody that.

A few months before the wedding, everything started to hit me hard.  I was struggling with the financials.  How was I going to pay for everything?  Then it hit me.  The florist I initially hired went bankrupt.  Say what?!?!  I went into a panic mode.  Kelly, the event coordinator at Ceviche, came to my rescue.  She gave me a couple of names, and I was put in touch with Jaimz at Florida Flowers and Orchids.  She quoted me less than the original florist, and the flowers turned out amazing.  The biggest debacle with this was, I had already paid in full.  Since the services were not rendered, the bank was able to help me out and I was credited the money for the flowers.

Situation diverted.

Finally, the day had arrived.  We had the rehearsal the night before and then I went out with friends, walked

to the gorgeous Grand Bohemian hotel, and spent my last night as a single person alone.  It was nice to have a big king size bed to myself without a snoring dog an earshot.  (I do love Rosco, but he can be loud).

I woke up the day of the wedding around 8 am like a little girl on Christmas morning, took a shower, and met my sister and some friends for breakfast at this cute little French bistro in downtown Orlando called Le Gourmet Break.  I believe the owner makes the croissants and they are to die for!  We went back to the hotel to start the process of getting ready.  My hairstylist and make-up artist, Karen from the Karmel Design Team, got there around 11 AM.  She started on me to get me prepped, and I sat in a robe the majority of the day pacing around.  I did hire a wedding coordinator from Events Unlimited by M, Maria, who was my saving grace.  I could not imagine worrying about setting up the wedding and all of the chaos that must have ensued without me knowing.   I would have paid so much more for her (thanks for the family discount!).  I am a little OCD when it comes to things getting done so it was hard for me to sit still and I kept thinking of new things that would come up.

After the bridesmaids were done with their makeup and hair.  Karen sat me down to start the process of making me a bride.  At the same time, Stephanie, my photographer from Lily Lu Photography, and Rose from Sophia Rose Photography and Film showed up.  They started asking me a slew of questions, and I was immediately overwhelmed.  I think it’s because, as a bride, we want everything to be perfect.  We want to give the right answer quickly so that nothing is missed.

My makeup was now done, and I was posing.  The flowers arrived, and things were moving.  I think the next 30 minutes to an hour were a complete blur.  My best friend from college, Hanio, and his wife had gifted us with transportation from their company Airport Super Express based out of Miami.  He was a little lost, and I tasked one of my bridesmaids to give him directions.  The blur ensued.

We got downstairs to the van and left to the venue which was a block away.  (Who wants to walk downtown in a wedding dress?)  We all walked into the venue, the bridesmaids, parents and more were all lined up while I hid from the Comedian with both my mom and dad.  Then the moment came, I walked down the aisle to my cousin playing guitar.  I was speechless.  The roses lined down the aisle, and the smile on the Comedian’s face was all I ever dreamed of.  It was sincerely a perfect moment.  Our pastor was funny, and the vows were touching.  This was it… we were married!

We took pictures then headed to the reception.  When we entered, the rest was another blur.  Time flew.  The Comedian and I had our first dance; then I dance with my dad which is another dream of mine.  With all that we have been through as father and daughter, this was the only moment I would had ever asked for.  Thank you, Daddy, for giving that to me… now I’m starting to tear up.  Back to the party.

We ate, said hi to everyone, the photo booth arrived (thanks mom for the gift!); we took some more pictures, and the speeches were given.  Savier, the Beard from The Beard and the Mole, and my sisters spoke with heartfelt verses in front of the crowd.  Then we danced.  DJ Sparks put on such a great party.  I did not expect anything less.  We picked him up from another wedding that had the same result.

After all was said and done, we found a petty cab downstairs, and I drove off into the distance (well the hotel) with my husband.

I honestly could not have asked for a better night.  Thank you, everyone, who helped during this crazy time!

P.S.  I don’t have the professional pics yet, but when I do, I promise to share.  In the meantime, here’s a trailer from Sophia Rose.

https://vimeo.com/190464051